Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again When to move back in together?

Sara,
I really value your wisdom! Thanks for being interested in my story.
I really, really need some perspective now!

It seems that the LRT worked so well that my H is wondering why I have been so aloof with him and not talking more about our R.

We went on a nice date and he told me with almost forceful conviction that we needed to live together again if our marriage is going to make it. He said that once we recommit to being together, slowly the affection will grow.

I reminded him that I had to move out in order to protect myself from his lies and his emotional abuse, including deep resentment of me coming between him and his lover. He responded that it no longer the case so he won't return to that feeling.

I told him that I will never live with him in adultery EVER again and if I catch him in ANY way with her he will be out. I feel so strongly about this I told him he would come home to his stuff on the front lawn.

And I mean that.

I have built so much confidence being separated that I know my life would be great without him. I am no longer desperate for things to work out. I definately do not want my old marriage back. So that's where I need advice!

Is now the time to state what my needs/convicitons about our marriage are?

He seems to be pursuing living together again, though he still treats me like a nanny.

I would like him to know that I will no longer be in a marriage where I am repeatedly, routinely sexually rejected (has been a problem from day 1), and I am not interested in a man who habitually lies.

I also want him to show me he will commit to working on his issues, without me having to nag him to do it. I have been working on mine, and I have already changed in enormous ways. I have proved that I am willing to change. He hasn't even said he is willing to figure out his problems, let alone change them.

As for the OW, I was thinking of asking for media proof they are not talking, then I realized he could easily hide his correspondance with her.

My big thing is that I do not want him playing two fields. He is free to pursue whatever he wants with her, and I refuse to live with him while he does so. Furthermore, I will take the freedom to also date others. I am soooo tired of him expecting me to be the saint who will let him come and go. I will not be the fool anymore!

He says it is over, but that they talk occassionally.

Should I accept that?
I don't know.

He has been funny, friendly, generous...coming over about five times a week. Helping with the girls.

Should I tell him that I have a few concerns, if he wants to hear them...then gauge by his reaction how serious he really is in respecting me?

We are going to Retrouvaille Oct. 19.

The other option is to continue to play it cool until then.

What do you all think?
The Girl

Difficult question. I think choose your battles. The most important thing, in my opinion, is to do the Retrouvaille. It will be easier to accomplish all the other stuff after that.

My advice is: figure out what you really need between now and then. It's 6 weeks away. The one woman boundary is a good one. Retrouvaille wants it too. So go for that. If he wants to be with you there are no other women in his life. It should be no contact with OW. (But don't police it, you don't need extra arguments.) And lying. You want the truth out of him.

I would save the sexual stuff to work on at Retrouvaille, it's part of the program. Him making changes is also something that is addressed at Retrouvaille.

So that's my advice. Faithful and honest and the rest save til later. Good luck, it all sounds good!

Thanks Sara. I really value your perspective. I need to read your threads, too.

Well, he has given his roommate his 30 day notice. That gives us a month to prepare to move back in together.

I guess I can try to explain to him that I moved out so that he could decide which woman to be with. He is still free to explore that, but I am not going to live with him while he does. Correct? That way, I am posing it as a choice, not a demand.

The problem is that he has previously been unable to cut contact, lied to me, then I uncover it and he gets mad at me for snooping...etc. etc.

What do I really need? That is a great question...
I'll think and pray. I need a strategy...
The Girl

the girl,

I have just posted to you on your other thread but I just wanted to add something here.

Does your H HAVE to move back in with you in 30 days? Would he not wait until after the Retro weekend? It's not much longer and that would seem a more obvious choice of timing depending on the results of the weekend. You might feel happier/ more sure about the moving back in together after then aswell.

It's just an observation, but it seems that your H is dictating the speed of things at the moment whilst I sense hesitation in you. You BOTH need to be happy about the ways you are moving forward.

Does he still work with OW. My H cut contact with OW in one swift move with NO contact afterwards. I think if there is contact, from reading of other people's experiences, it just prolongs the pain and the piecing is harder; the likely hood of a relapse greater. If he still works with OW would your H consider applying for a job elsewhere? The OW in my H's case resigned.

Just some thoughts.

Saffie

Saffie,
Thanks a million for your positive perspective. You are still down to earth, yet hopelessly hopeful!
Even my backslidden H admits that it was a providential move of God that he landed a new job several months ago. So they don't work together, but they are still in the same industry with lots of mutual connections. A big part of their friendship came from working side by side for months, so I have a feeling that is what may lead them to still communicate.
Overall, my husband is a man who lacks integrity and self discipline. He has been that way his whole life. He tried to cut all contact with OW several times over the months, but always resumed. He does not have any long term friendships with any men, or close relationships with anyone for that matter. She apparently became some kind of mini god to him. She isn't a sleazy woman; she is highly accomplished. I know that she is attracted to him because he is mysterious, artistic, unpredictable and, with her, very passionate.
Tonight I am having VERY cold feet about moving back in together. He does seem to be pushing it on me. He also mentioned that I don't seem very enthusiastic about it---like I am at fault. He is the kind of ego driven man that wants to be adored at every turn. People keep telling me that I have to ask for what I want, and be assertive.
On one hand, I am relieved that he is tuning back to me. But I just don't understand how much I should expect, and when I should expect to see it. He thinks if we commit to being a family again, then the feelings will return. I also know that he is coming back because he feels stuck with me, because of our daughters. Otherwise he would be long gone, and has told me so.

My mother thinks he wants to come back because of money. She also thinks that perhaps the OW dumped him once and for all, so he is coming back to me because I still have the door open. I try to speak with my mom about it as little as possible; she hates him and says she won't ever trust him. This grieves me. It is heavy thinking about a life of family ostracizing for years to come. So for now I am trying to tell her that I have to give it one last chance. I had to ask her if she would fly in to babysit during the Retrouvaille weekend.

That is a very good point about waiting until after Retrouvaille. But what should I say to him? That I need more time? He thinks I am hiding from our problems by living on my own. He is right in a way; my house is my safe place, away from his moods, deceit and overall unhappiness.

I am afraid of all the work ahead of us. Maybe I should just agree to move in when he wants--in a month--and just brace myself. Like jumping into a swimming pool of cold water.

Maybe the longer we are apart the less likely I will want to try to reconcile. Which brings up a very, very large fear I have deep in my gut: that I am a lot happier without him.

O, help.

The Girl

tg,

If you want to wait until after the Retro weekend to see what the weekend brings then tell him that - it's not unreasonable.

If you really think he is coming back because of your children or because he no longer wants OP, (or OP doesn't want him), as opposed to coming back because he wants to be with you, do you really want him back. Don't let yourself settle for thinking you are a default option. You are not second best.

You owe it to yourself to find out whether you want your M or not but only do what you feel is right for you.

My gut tells that if you take him back too early then your door is going to start revoloving again. But hey, I don't know him and could be completely wrong. The decision is a weighty one. I would factor your children into it and think what would harm / help them most as well.

Sorry I'm not more help.

Saffie

My mom called to tell me that she won't babysit for us during Retrouvaille. She said she does not want us to get back together.

She says she does not trust him or like him and she never has. She wants me to move on with my life.

She says she does not want to enable people she does not like.

I know she loves me, and has given me close to $10.000 when this fiasco started. She is also not a vindictive, mean or controlling person. This is really the first time in my life she has spoken so plainly about what she thinks of me.

I am very sad. She told me to trust my gut feeling.

Well, so much for family peace.
The Girl

And what would that be?

Saffie

Girl,

Tell your mother if she has any concern or love for her grandchildren she should do this for them. Does she prefer they not grow up with a dad? Does she really think that's better for them? How does she know the next guy won't do the same thing and cheat on you (do you think all of us here expected this from our spouses?). How easy does she think it will be to find a great husband and stepdad for 3 young girls? (Not all guys want to take on someone else's 3 young kids and chances of divorce only increase with each succeeding marraige)? And would she be happy if you date or marry some other guy who seems wonderful, but then ends up molesting the kids? (Highest percentage of child molestation occurs in single or step-parent families).

And Saffie, I think you are a wise woman, but first and second choise can always change (here I'm talking but have agonized over this same thing!!!). A spouse might return because the OP dumped them, or a money situation... but that doesn't mean it can't become a relationship where the spouse BECOMES THE FIRST CHOISE. I know people who have decided not to leave their families because of the kids, or because things weren't great with the OP... or they were dumped. But then later, will say, "I can't imagine not being with my husband (or wife)." Sometimes there's still confusion and uncertainty, and it's time and healing that create the real closeness and bond. I suspect The Girls husband may not even know first or second choise at this time. He may still be confused. But, feelings, situations, preferences, what is truly felt to be valuable, everything.... can change.

I totally agree that first and second choice can change. I guess what I am trying to say is that if you want to have more chance of it working then tg's H needs to see that tgis in her own right the package that he wants to be with. If he doesn't realise that then he is just going to keep revolving and looking for a better option. A bit of time taken now could save a lot of heartache in the future. It could also save the children from becoming more confused.

Saffie