What's he been doing the last couple of days before that? Any especially good things happen at work? Has he been working out more recently?
Not really Eddie. I don't know what got into him the other night (other than wine) so it's hard to say. But honestly, it doesn't even have to do with the sex anymore, our M issues I mean. I'm still pondering it all. hmmmm
My H is very good about this and has a strong boundary. I called him a name once ("A--hole" I think) and he very calmly but firmly stated something similar to the above. It's clear.
LFL,
You wrote this about your H over on Hdog's thread. I know I am way late on your relationship problems with your H but everything I have ever read in the last 6 months make him sound like a helluva catch!! Seriously I find myself thinking I really LIKE this guy!! And you are such a great person it seems impossible to imagine that you guys can't get things on track.
Are you sure you have done enough of your own personal self-improvement and self understanding? I'd ask the same of your H but it is hard to answer that question for other people. sometimes it just becomes a projection of your own issue!
It just seems like there is one small missing piece to the puzzle of your marriage. Good luck finding it!!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
But thanks for your input! Actually things are going very well right now and I think it is mainly BECAUSE I am doing more self-improvement, self-understanding. When I am feeling down about the M, it usually has to do with my perceptions (and unfortunately they are off at times) My H says the same things. When we get overwhelmed with other parts of our lives (like the kids) or when we feel individually stagnant (personally bored) we used to blame the M. But we have grown so much the past few years. And we TALK about it now which is so great. And as I was stating on HD's thread, it just would not have been possible (the reconciliation) is we did not find new RESPECT for one another. Has it improved our SL? yes and no. Frequency is still pretty low (once or twice a month) but it is good when we have it so I can't complain too much. And yes, he is a catch! Thanks for noticing! Would I be with a loser?
Just need to vent. I'm worn out today. Not because of my H but because of me. I just can't figure out how to get out (and stay out) of this M funk. Most days I seem to be cruising along just fine and then other days I'm literally thinking of throwing in the towel. This is not good. I keep questioning whether my "happy states" are just a bunch of BS to cover up my pain. That the way I REALLY feel is unattractive, unsexy, unpassionate, bored, resentful, etc. WTF? My H is still trying. But I just can't let him in. It's me. I know it is. I'm the one with bigger problems. I can't accept what he gives. Why? Why? Why? I think it may because if I accept him for him and our M, that I know I'm shutting the door on another life. On having more. On having "an out." But I did that in our M before and it made me depressed. And him. And led to disaster. I wasn't even thinking about ending the M. He did. So...here we are. Oh the irony. And I kept laying in bed last night thinking. "I'd leave if the kids weren't involved." Made me cry. But I am staying because I love them more than anything. Some people will think that is a cope-out but I don't. That's how I feel. I need to stay. I can't leave them. That's my boundary. And I'm willing to live in this M until...until when? I just don't know that answer. And that freaks me out.
I will let you in on a secret, one that you already know, but one that is easy to forget.
The grass on the other side of the fence isn't much different that the side of the fence you are on. The simple fact is that there is pain involved in relationships, regardless of which grass you pick.
There is no perfect mate, although some are less flawed than others. Regardless, where there are bovine, there is lots of crap.
Here is the real rub. If you drop your current choice in lieu of another choice, the chances of you getting a better one, drop dramatically. I am not saying that it can't happen, it can. I think that Mojo will end up with a better husband. I think that fearless moved up. Still the statistics are not in your favor.
Lastly, you have to gauge just how much of the crap is being generated by you in the "find a better mate" equation. That's a bit tricky to do.
Statistically, unless there is abuse, or addiction, you are better off improving what you have.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
And I kept laying in bed last night thinking. "I'd leave if the kids weren't involved." Made me cry. But I am staying because I love them more than anything. Some people will think that is a cope-out but I don't. That's how I feel. I need to stay. I can't leave them. That's my boundary. And I'm willing to live in this M until...until when? I just don't know that answer. And that freaks me out.
LFL since you are committed to staying in the marriage for your kids (which I personally believe is the right thing but that's my own opinion), why not give yourself permission to really evaluate everything else in your life (besides your relationship with your H). Are all your relationships with friends and family as good as you want? What about work? Anything more or less you can do there? What about hobbies and outside interests? What ARE your passions????
FYI: I think that Mojo will end up with a better husband. I think that fearless moved up. Still the statistics are not in your favor.
Raven is an amazing man!! But (ironically?) we would have never found each other or connected the way we did if we hadn't been the Left Behind Spouses. Neither one of us wanted our marriages to end and fought long and hard to prevent their ends. And as I've said before Raven and I don't play that game of "are you happier now?" I can't say that I am "glad" my marriage ended because my XH was a great guy and we had many amazing times. I can say I am glad I used what I learned through my fight to save my marriage to make sure that the next man I chose had a much better grip on understanding happiness and owning his own happiness.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
so it's hard to say.
