Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now I've done it... again

okay, now knock off the snooping. although in this case, since it involves your son, I would be doing the same thing. but otherwise, if your son wasn't involved, I would say it gets addicting and can end up hurting more than helping.

now back to what you found out. wow about the time...that is really late, was S2 out that late? where was this hotel in relation to things he did with S2 that day? when it comes to the kids, I would want to know....H and I are courteous about things regarding them, and it would really scare me if we weren't co-parenting as well as we are. I'm not asking for him to check in with me about every little thing they do, but I want to know where they are living, and if there is anything out of the ordinary I would definitely like a heads up. for instance, during the week when I have the kids, I would never take them out of town overnight w/o letting H know, and I would expect the same of him on the weekends. not asking permission, but a courtesy.

Just caught up on your thread. I am so sorry!!! Darn, girl you are strong. I would have went A$$ crazy on H if I found out he lied when the kids were with him. Course, I would have regretted it later, so GOOD JOB!

The thing is, I am where you are. In life, I first started out saying, my H would NEVER cheat on me, never do anything to hurt me or the kids, and would always put us first.

Now, I say, I am just grateful that I don't have to worry about my kids' safety/happiness when they are alone with H.

See, if that last thing gets stolen from me, I don't know what I'll do.

Morgan, the motel is just a few miles from my FIL's. I don't know why they didn't just stay there as H said he was.

If I give the benefit of the doubt, which I admit is difficult, I would say that he intended to stay there. As far as I know, this is the first time he's seen any family since this whole thing started. Perhaps he was just too uncomfortable. He told them he was bringing S2 home to me. Maybe, at that point, he intended to. Maybe he didn't know what to do. FIL said they left around 9 PM. I have no idea what they did for the following 3 hours. He had S2. Yes it was late. I don't know what the man is/was thinking. I don't know what to make of S2 saying "Papa sleep in car. That bed too big" either.

I will tell you one thing. S9 is from a previous relationship. We never married, but when we split, it was never like this. We agreed we didn't get along, but we also agreed that S9 was #1 priority. We have always worked together, not without disagreements mind you, but we have committed to cooperation in parenting.

My H has always had a holier than thou attitude towards S9's dad and his parenting. Now look. S9's dad has never gone more than 2 days without talking to his son, he has always been involved, and I would never be worried like I was this weekend.

My L, who advertises as a Christian attorney, says I am being outright foolish by letting things go this far. I think she has taken a personal interest in me. Her H walked out on her when her youngest was 15 months old. She got her law degree as a single mom. Now she divorces people for a living. Interesting, to say the least.

This is how she puts it:

Honey, I know this is not what you want. This is your plan A and you have been holding on waiting for him to come to his senses. Maybe he will. I'm not saying he can't change, but right now, he is using your tender heart and your vulnerability after just having a baby, and he is walking all over you. He isn't showing that he is concerned with you or your children. He isn't showing any respect. You don't even know where your son was for 2 days. You need to set some boundaries. I can put lots of pressure on him without you even filing, if that's what you want. I think you should file. You can always dismiss the case if he wakes up.

There you have it. I think lwb and MK were discussing the fine line between battered wife syndrome and unconditional love. I draw the line when I can not be confident in my children's well being. I don't want a D, but I cannot legally protect my kids without opening some kind of case. My L said that, if I had called the cops, they would have done nothing unless I was able to give substantial evidence that S2 was in danger. Their is nothing on paper saying H cannot take S2 out of the area or anywhere he wants. He can take him to OW's mystery apt, and refuse to give him back, and I would have to wait for due process. Since I don't know where he is, I wouldn't even be able to serve him til he went back to work in November.

On the other hand, because there is no court order, I can deny him access. I can refuse to let H take them. I can insist that he only visits here or that I drop off and pick up at the park, etc. If he didn't like it, he would have to go through the court. He would have to provide an address because now he insists that he is living out of the van. L said she would be willing to call him, lay out the law, and insist on a written agreement before he saw the kids again. It wouldn't be as strong as a court order, but it would say hey, you can't do it this way anymore.

Sorry for the long post, but I really feel like H crossed a line here that I just can't ignore. A very strong boundary must be put in place. I'm just not sure what the best way to do it is.

absolutely you need to set some bounderies....good luck and stay strong!!!

Goodness, he is on a shopping spree. Took $260.00 out of the ATM yesterday afternoon, then another $40 later. Spent about the same on Saturday.

Is this some kind of test? Is he just pushing to see how far he can go? I feel like he pushed and pushed until I had no choice but to tell him to leave. Now I've held back on the bank accounts and everything. I decided to just let him be. Now he's clearly emptying it out. Maybe he's just seeing if I've really given him free reign or if I'm going to come after him and try to "mother" him for his behavior. As far as money, I'm not going to talk to him. I'll put the CD into savings as backup for overdraw. Hopefully he doesn't notice. I'm not going to talk to him about the kids either. I am going to see my lawyer and get some paper work together regarding the kids. Then I'm going to wait for contact from him.

The way I see it, he lied to me (again) and he lied to his family. Maybe it wasn't a big planned conspiracy, but it still wasn't right. Maybe it was a big planned conspiracy. I just don't know.

nephartiti, your lawyer is sooooo right on. I work in federal law enforcement and deal with custody issues on a daily basis (parental kidnapings with custody agreements in place). NO ONE will get involved (other than a polite talk, possibly) if you are still married and there is nothing on paper about separation or custody. You will be powerless for at least a few days, if not longer.

However, I think you are right, H got stressed about facing his family, didn't want to 'cave' and bring S home so probably drove around and thought of the motel. I don't think your S was ever in physical danger or possibility of neglect, but his world was shaken up a bit by the changes. He was still with Daddy though. If you did get something legal, you could try to set boundaries about OW being around when H has the kids.

I am so sorry.

WOW to the spending spree!!! Glad you took your money out before this happened.

I think the shopping spree is a test. In the past I've blocked his ATM card when he went out of control. I haven't done so in a long time, but when he picked up S2 he asked "Does the card still work?" He has been using it. He knew. However, he asks, then goes haywire. He's basically out of money. He doesn't realize that some of his bills are going to come out of the acct automatically within the next few days (he never did the bills).

Oh, well. It's time for him to be a grown up and deal with his own stuff.

My L said there is nothing I can do to keep kids away from OW unless she is a pedifile or on drugs.

That's too bad about OW and keeping them away from our kids. I hate that.

He seems to be testing you, that's for sure.

Hope you have a good night.

Well, the account is empty. I have transfereed funds to cover the bills I know are coming. Maybe I'm just enabling him.

I think, however, that he has possibly gotten his own place. He purchased groceries for the first time since he left, $100.00 worth. Although I would have preferred him to come home, I'd rather him be in his own place instead of hers. Of course it is speculation, but it would explain the huge withdrawals in the last 2 days. I'm trying not to draw conclusions as it almost always gets me in trouble. Have to stop that.

I have learned 2 very valuable lessons in the last two days.

1. One must be careful about jumping to conclusions, especially if one is prone to over-reacting, which I am.

2. One should not allow themselves to be pushed to do something they do not want to do.

I filed a petition for legal separation today, and I feel horrible because this is NOT what I want. There has to be another way to feel safe in regards to my kids and money. Maybe my fears in this area are unfounded. I have my share of money in my account. The weekend with S2 was strange, but, as far as I can tell, H didn't take S2 to OW's place, he did bring S2 home, and he was safe. So why do I still feel so threatened?

Crying now. S2 brought me an ice pack b/c he thinks I have an ouchie. How cute is that?

Just feeling hopeless and sorry for myself today. I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back.

Hope everyone else is doing better.

You know what? I hate being uninformed. I hate being taken off guard, made to wonder, made to worry. That is what H has done to me all summer. That is what your H is doing, making you wonder and worry instead of outright saying "I rented an apt today, in case you noticed the withdrawals". Kills me!

And yes, he is possibly getting his own place, which is good because of OW, but bad, because he is making plans to be away from home for a bit. Support him if he approaches you. Offer to help make it comfortable for your S, NOT for H!!! But do it for your S.

You have to protect yourself and he has basically cornered you by not giving you enough information to feel comfortable.