Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now I've done it... again

I know how you feel about starting over, even with H. Its like, we know what they are capable of when they become unhappy, so will it happen again? Plus, a different person. Probably someone divorced...that's scary too.

In the end, we will always have a jaded sense of trust, because of being betrayed. I guess we have to tackle those things when we feel more ready.

sounds like you have some good plans!

the thing is, there is no easy way...either with h or with someone else, or even just on your own, its all going to be hard/challenging/new. but I'm hoping no matter where we all end up, we'll all be the stronger/better/happier for meeting those challenges.

OMG, what a day!

Ok, we were under construction, so I decided to take the kids to the movies. We were finishing lunch and ready to rush in the movie when I get a text msg from H "May I take the kids today?" I almost sent a text back, but decided I would think about what to say and address it after the movie. I turned off my phone. I was a little irritated by the last minute aspect, as if he expected us to be sitting at home waiting for him when he hasn't stopped by in over a week. I also despise text messaging.

After the movie, I checked my v-mail. H had called and asked me to call back (no details on msg). I turned my phone back off b/c I really didn't know how to handle this. When I got home there was a msg there too! One of my residents had a plumbing issue, so I called the plumber first.

As I was finishing on the phone, I hear something. I look up and outside and what do you know? There is H with his head over the wall of our back yard (he has to stand on the bumper of the van to get high enough) and S2 is climbing a ladder to reach him!

I was more than a little caught off guard by the whole thing and I kind of lost my cool. I grabbed S2 off the ladder and said "What are you doing over there (to H)?"

This is good. He says he was "driving by" and saw our S2 peeking over the wall. Yeah, right, whatever. That ladder has been there for weeks and S2 has never even noticed it. Now it is possible, but wth was H doing driving by the BACK of our apartment (it's a church parking lot mind you)?

It got a little heated because he said "remember we made plans for me to take the kids?"
"No they weren't plans. You said you were THINKING about it. I figured you would call to make plans"

Anyway, I agreed to get S2 ready, but I took my time b/c I had to recollect myself. I was way too worked up. I think I left him waiting in the van for almost 15 minutes before I felt I could go out there and not blow everything I've worked for.

I'm trying not to get too excited, but H was looking me straight in the eye the whole time. That is the most eye contact we've had in ages. He notice S2's new shoes and raved about them. He noticed our D's new dress and said he loved it. I was opening a juice box and he asked, "did you dye your hair again." "no, but I was thinking about it" "Well it looks nice" "Thank you" (I know my punctuation's horrible, but my fingers are tripping.)

Then...

I was holding the baby and he leaned in to kiss her, and he touched my arm. I pretended not to notice. Then he leaned in again to kiss the baby and ran his hand down the length of my arm. That was not necessary.

So, I tried to be cheerful as my S2 drove away looking a little unsure.

Two and a half hours later, H calls again. He said that he was calling me back, that he had tried my cell (still off) and was calling to see what I needed. I told him I hadn't called. I talked to S2 (he was doing ok). H was pleasant. I was too.

I did mess up a little with some R talk. As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back, but it wasn't too bad, and I dropped it right away. We were talking about our storage unit. He was saying how he was thinking of giving his book collection to his brother and taking stuff to his dad's. I asked "The person you are living with won't let you move your stuff in?"

"No, I'm not going to do that. It's not my place."
"Well, you've been there almost a month, you must be comfortable enough."
"Comfortable enough to sleep, but not move my stuff in. Maybe it's pride, but I just won't do it."
"Do what?"
"Move in with someone."
Then I had to ice the cake with (sit down everyone)
"Is it pride that keeps you from coming home too?" (I know, I know. Big No NO)
He looked away, sighed, and said "probably"
Then he looked me in the eye again and said, "That's pretty sad, huh?"
That's when I dropped the subject by getting distracted by S2.

H looked more like himself again. He ditched the glasses and was back to his normal hair style (thank God), and he had a present for S2 from Target (there was a charge from Monday. I know its snooping, but I'm so glad to see he was thinking and shopping for his kids.) I told him about the fish idea, and he was really excited about that too.

This has taken an eternity to write, but it all happened very quickly.

I'm not going to get too excited. I'm going to stay dark and let him keep doing the work. The trick I have to learn is how to handle him when he won't leave me alone!

S9 and I took our alone time (Baby stayed home, but took a nice long nap) priming and painting our new shelves. So, all in all it was a pretty good day. The house is just a little too quiet w/out S2 though.

That sounds very good. No more R talk, BUT he knows you want him home again. I think that is good, really. It is not like you are pressuring or have any expectations so why not let him know he has a beautiful family in his safe home. You did a stellar job!

Re: Stats- I hear the stats for couple who go to the Retro Weekend is very good, much better than MC.

Keep up with the physical skin contact and maintain eye contact. Listen to your tone of voice and stay positive. You will be happy with or without him so he will be happy just to be around you. I am proud of you. Boundaries are good but benefit of the doubt is better. If he pops his head over the fence next time yell, "Daddy's here!" As if you are announcing the Return of the Prodigal Son or something.

My H also has no things or clothes at his OW place as he just crashes there. he lies so I don't really know but this is what he and his aunt say. It is really gross even having that convo isn't it?

Yes, gross is the word.

I can't sleep. I miss S2! The only other time he's been away from me overnight was when I was in the hospital for 3 days with my daughter. I hope he's ok. Well, he should be asleep by now. I wanted to call, but figured if I did, it might just remind him he wasn't home and set off a tantrum.

I just hope they are really where H said they were. I know this is VERY bad, but part of me wants to drive by and just make sure. Better to just trust the confirmed liar. If I were to drive by, and they weren't there, I would go insane. That would not be a good thing.

"Why do they say
have a nice day anyway?
We both know they wouldn't mind
if I just curled up and died.
Well, let's not give that one a try." Tori (Almost Rosey)

Don't know why those lyrics came to mind just right now. Guess I'm tired.

Thanks for the tip on the peeping Tom response, MK. That would have been better.

Speaking of Tori, I bought myself a ticket today for a Dec. show. I'm going solo. I'm thoroughly looking forward to it.

Why is that hilarious that you busted him poking his head over the fence!?? Oh my, how odd!! You did AMAZINGLY keeping your cool, especially for your kids' sake. That is just so weird. You did fantastic. And yes, keep up your work, its been hard, but appears to be working and worth it. I wanted so badly to R talk with H yesterday and reminded myself about the inevitable backslide. Its hard to fight what we want to really do and say, but we are all getting better.

Hope your night went fast and you got some sleep.

Neph, you did a great job handling that situation. Good for you.

like lwb, there is something about you busting him with his head over the fence that I find hilarious.

hope your night went okay. I know its hard for them to be gone, hopefully they are just having some good bonding time.

I called and talked to S2 this morning. H said he had a little trouble falling asleep, but they just cuddled and he was fine. I think it is good that they are spending time together, even if it feels weird to me. If there is anything that will remind him of the goodness in his life here at home, it is his children. The more, the better I think. I'm trying to stay out of the way of that. I do believe his scarceness around here is strictly an avoidance of me. It's not "safe" to him. He doesn't want to be pushed in the corner. So, I'm going to keep giving him his space.

I also have to demonstrate that I believe he is capable. His place as father is crucial. By letting him take S2, I believe I demonstrated that I trust him and his abilities in this area. Hopefully I made the right decision.

Thanks everyone for your support