Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Standing between D and DB

I feel like crap today. Not because I cannot detach, not because I I am unsure of how much better I am today as a person than when the sitch started and not because I got the ultimate kick from my MLC W.

I feel like crap because I am confused. I feel like I am trying hard to balance my body, with a foot in each of the 2 boats floating on the water - D and DB. On one hand I stand for my M, I believe in the DB principles and I want to wait out till my W sees the light at the end of the tunnel. On the other hand, I know this D the right thing to do to protect my innocent kids. They are being put in harm's way when they are with their mom acting up like a teenager.

Long story short, I gave my W an ultimatum to stop exposing my 2 DDs to her OM. This is after she decided to spend my D5's birthday with her OM despite my request to plan to do something together. She responded like a brat saying she cares little about my request and I should stop meddling with her adolescent lifestyle. You can catch my full story here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1201837


Please tell me that I was right in setting the boundary. I would like to go to sleep in peace knowing that filing for a D is the right thing to do for me now so that I can have the court stop having her expose my DDs to OM and her alien standards.

OK

I read the letter to her and her reply, I'll be honest here.

Take the kids if at all possible, this was all said in the other thread by many of us. I see a very irrational person in her reply to you. I see her twist what is happening in her reply. I see my STBXW in her reply.

You have your head on straight, she doesn't. Do what is right for the kids, saving your M comes second to the kids.

Thanks lawless. Much appreciated.

I have the kids already 4 nights of the week and W keeps them 3 nights. I would love to have their sole custody, but I can picture a nasty battle if I want to force it out.

I have talked to my L, I have read my state's statutes and I am familiar with my rights. I just need to file my D papers so that I can have the legal system stop an end to this madness. If you guys have any other suggestion, I am all ears.

I don't know anything about your situation but my opinion is that you protect your kids first and foremost. If you feel that your W is hurting them in anyway, it is your responsibily to do whatever you can to try and stop it. Now that being said, I am unsure what the family law court system in like in CO, but I know CA, they don't really care a whole lot about the environment that the children are in as long as they aren't in any kind of physical danger. It is all so sad.

Even if you file for the D, it doesn't mean that you aren't standing for your marriage. You are just trying to protect your kids.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hmmmmm, suggestions....I don't have any children so I don't really know...

Do what is best for your kids. However, understand, that unless her OM has some type of prior charge of inappropriate behavior with a child---she can legally introduce to whomever she wants. Sucks---but check with your state or local laws.

It is hard to stand and I can relate to going back and forth.

Hang in there...

Valentine

Thank you guys again.

Yes, I understand that I do not have much control over how the state decides what is right or wrong regarding the OM they are exposed to. But I am hoping that I have certain rights towards custody before and during the dissolution process. Here are two of the guidelines taken from CO state statutes regarding "Best interests of child" (Section 14-10-124). I have eliminated some legal mumbo-jumbo.

Determination of parenting time: In determining the best interests of the child for purposes of parenting time, the court shall consider all relevant factors, including:

Whether the past pattern of involvement of the parties with the child reflects a system of values, time commitment, and mutual support;

The ability of each party to place the needs of the child ahead of his or her own needs.

Is spending every evening with your OM when you have the custody of the kids before the marriage is dissolved reflects my W's system of values and time commitment? don't think so. Is she putting the needs of her kids before her if the OM visits her apartment just before the kids go to bed?

I just want to get these off my chest before I talk to my L. Its very hurtful and I hate to see the alien in my W, who is so different from the one I have known for 15 years.

You guys are awesome and I am following thru with your advice to protect my kids by going for the D. I never thought I would see this day where I feel good about keeping my head high in ending the M.

Mile High~ I'm in a similar sitch as yourself,,altho I haven't read your whole story just yet I can give you some other CO court tips. I guess it depends on what county your in. If your in Jefferson I can tell you that mediation and 1 day of child parenting classes are mandatory, if that makes you feel any better.

You also need to know that they are back-logged,,whose you're L,,maybe its' mine?!

I agree w/the others here, if you think your child is in immediate danger you will need to get something done right away. If you have enough grounds you can have your county social services do a 'welfare check'. If you're only dealing w/jealousy of OM i'm afraid your stuck in the same boat w/the rest of us,,unfortunately in CO there is no penalty for cheating on your spouse!

Let me know if I can give you anymore help, post on the boards or you can e-mail me too,,kpworkinggirl@yahoo.com

Take Care of you & your little ones,,they grow up so fast.
Kim

Thanks a lot, Kim.

Honestly, I am not jealous of the situation with OM. This has been going on for sometime over several OMs and I have been detaching from my W. But I am concerned about my kids' emotional health and the lessons we are teaching them about life and trust in marriage. Previously my W has left my D5 with OM to babysit. The current OM is telling my D9 inappropriate jokes about being unfaithful in marriage. Again, I still trust my W but I do not trust the way she is acting. I do not want my girls to grow up thinking its ok to cheat on your husband.

It hurts my heart to read this.

I am going thru the same thing now. I HATE to think of some scumbag guy talking to your beautiful D that way, it really just kills me, so I can imagine what you are feeling.

We are the sane ones. I would not trust your W right now to make any "correct" decisions when it comes to the kids.

We have to do anything we can, to protect our babies. It is very, unfortunate that the law does not have better laws in place, at least morality laws.

(sigh)

You are added to my prayers.

Lissett

I don't want to worry you, but if there is a series of men then the risk that she pick up on an abuser at some point is a real one, as I am sure you are aware. I don't know what the sitch is in the US about checking up on these people . . . The partner engaging in the affair is almost invariably in total denial about the possibility of abuse.

It might be worth getting some advice on how to talk to your kids in such a way that they are able to talk to you if there is any inappropriate behaviour. Kids typically don't find this easy unless they know how to say things.

I hope that I am not being unduly alarmist here, and I know that life is hard enough, but sadly these abusive men are VERY good at picking up on situations.

I have two female friends who were abused - one as a youg girl, the other as an older one. Mother in total denial in each case, sadly.