H just called (again!?!). I thought it was D, so I picked up.
He asked if I listened to the machine; I said yes, so...? Well, then you would know that the party with S is tomorrow night, not tonight (a bit snotty). I said no, the message was so garbled, I didn't even know who had called; D was able to hear the name. All I got was that this other mom was interested in having D come over, too, to play with her D (they know each other from scouts).
He softened then, said that he left S there to play a while, anyway, and he would go to the party tomorrow. He even laughed a bit about the garbled message. Then said he just "wanted to make sure that I knew what was going on," and then sounded hurried to get off the phone. I said thanks, night, and hung up.
More like, looking for another chance to paint me as the bad guy. Too bad for him that it didn't work. It gets more bizarre by the minute. wth?
Plus, D is scheduled to call me to say good-night in about an hour. I talked "at" him over one of the kids while they were on the phone this past week, that whoever wants to speak with the kids should be the one who calls--I don't want to keep pushing them to call him, and that he should call if he when and if wants to. I didn't even put the phone to my hear to listen to any response he might have. Today, when he picked her up, he said that he would remember to have her call me, that he didn't mind. Whatever. Go ahead and keep me in mind.
From now on, keep in mind, the correct way to deal with a person who has committed a wrong against you is to "cut them socially." That means to act as if you don't see them. They are completely invisible to you. You physically look the other way and never make eye contact. That is a well recognized social insult and will be understood by everyone around you. And the good thing is, you can't be arrested for it.
I like it. I have actually done exactly that, when her children have said hello to me across the street. I always call back a happy hello, to them--the poor things.
I went into that sitch Wed afternoon already feeling very down--I am sure that it played into my response. I should have struck up my own funny story with the other mom I was standing with. I guess my pressure-cooker had to blow at some point.
You know what? I think it may have been the thing that pushed me into acceptance. I can't tell you how much better I feel tonight, even though I am home alone. Even the in-laws are away for the weekend. I spoke with my cousin (Brooklyn might be on my agenda for tomorrow), then heated up some dinner. I'm watching the Yankees play and feeling ok. No inner turmoil.
I finally feel like I am thinking clearly for the first time in a long time. I am not being ruled / ruined by my emotions and reactions.
Now, the question--
Looking back on the past 6 (10) months, have all of my past actions to date ruined any chances that my H and I may have a future again, someday? I don't want one now, mind you. He is too caught up in what he is doing. I just don't know if I have pushed him too far away.
With my current detachment, would my actions be any different, anyway?
donna, you aren't done, you still do want a chance with your H...if you were done, you wouldn't care if you still had a chance with him. its okay to want to be with your H, but as hard as it is (and it is so freaking hard), try to get the focus off of him, off of how you acted in the past. go forward. move forward. who knows, maybe he'll be back, maybe he won't, but as long as you are moving forward and getting the focus on yourself as an individual, you have a better chance of a happy life (with or without him).
I don't mean to sound cavalier here...trust me, I know very, very well just how hard this all is. I do the same thing at times. but I know when I feel the best and when things seem to go the best in my life, is when I am keeping that focus on moving myself forward.
good luck!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Your actions as big as you sometimes made them, have all been irrelevant to H. His actions are the ones that preclude going back.He is the one ending the marriage. Based on his actions I think that the chance that you will ever get back together is not good. But it never was good. Nothing you did or can do will change that. He is the actor, you are just the reactor.
Funny, how from the inside, I think (thought?) I am so different from everyone else, that we were so different from everyone else. That somehow, our love would survive. That my love for him could shine the way home for him.
Now, I just have to get back to me. Spending the day cleaning, watching some tv, etc. Such lackluster, normal stuff. I used to have a normal life.
It seems and feels like a Catch 22. Stop caring about him in order to let him go but that could lead to the end of loving him. Yet once you detach your chances of healing seem better. It is risky, but it has made my life better, but only temporarily. because I am detaching, I am also feeling like I no longer want a reconciliation and divorce is inevitable. I get that feeling that says to just get it over with and start over. My head knows that is not necessarily a better solution but my heart feels abused.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
My friend's mother's funeral is today. I didn't want to keep calling and bothering her yesterday (she was so busy with family), but apparently my H did...he emailed me the details this morning and asked that I go to the afternoon service, he would go to the evening after dropping the kids with me. I should have gone to the church...
This is H's email:
Quote:
the services for (bff)'s mom are this afternoon and tonight. i would appreciate it if you could go between 2 and 4. i will drop off the kids betwen 6 and 7 so i can go between 7 and 8. the funeral home is on main street. i'm sure you have this info already but i just wanted to be sure.
i hope you reconsider the camera. you have three in the house. i don't want the $800 one i gave to you as a gift or the one we gave S. i bought the little one for general use and don't think i am being unreasonable in asking for it. you could use Ss for everyday stuff and the d50 for your art. as for your coment that you have aked for things that i have not given to you, all i come up with is the computer. if that is what you meant, i should have one this week and be able to copy the kids games so they can play them on both. other than that you have everything else i own. you will notice that i only put $600 in your account this week. i used the other $50 for the clothes for the kids. the amount of money i give you is supposed to cover all the kids needs. there should be plenty left over every month. i'll check my e-mail before i bring the kids back to make sure you will be there.
I wasn't trying to be petty about the camera. And it was a gift to me. But in the end, is it better to be right? I'm not sure what holding out on the camera would do right now, and I can use the other one.
The stupid tv and computer were the things that were taken that I asked for back, for the kids, not me. He ended up buying another tv for himself (after we traded), anyway, as the one that I got at a garage sale wouldn't hook up to his dvd player.
I also wasn't trying to stiff him for the $ for the kids' clothes--I never even had a chance to acknowledge the purchases before he wrote this.
I guess there will be things that happen in this mess that are bound to piss him off. Again, another foreign concept to me to leave it alone, when for so long we "never went to bed angry." Well, I guess that was only me, looking back. He just sucked it in and let resentment grow. At least he is letting it out, now.
I want to de-escalate the anger and tension, but also not seem to be ready to roll on everything. Any advice?
