Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MC - nervous and need advice

Mediators are used to nervousness. They know how to handle things. You'll be ok.

I don't know. I kind of hope we can talk w/her separately at first.

I had an appointment with a mediator but couldn't make it, so my (ex)wife went and the mediator wouldn't talk to her. They have to maintain neutrality. Their job is to help the two parties come to a conclusion.

Well, we started w/mediator/counselor.

It went OK. H expressed interested in divorce for the first time. =( Still said he wants to do S first.

I said that I did not want to get divorced (and I was very clear about that, and have been consistently) but as there is a third party in the picture, decisions made in counseling would be triangulated so I do want the LS.

-C said H's decision seemed impulsive to move out seemed impulsive; H claimed otherwise.

-C wants to get us communicating more respectfully. I said I am reserved and feel crowded out from my feelings because H is SO expressive (or all about him, as I often feel).

-I said that the separation enabled me to make some positive changes, going to NYC was just what I needed, and I needed to have fun. I know this isn't DB but I also said I wanted to date. Maybe I shouldnt' have said that.

H's reaction to counseling is that he does not have the money. Well, I happen to know that art supplies and dinners w/OW, etc., seem to be higher priority to him. So my leverage is that it is cheaper than a lawyer and that I want to use it as an opportunity to talk through things that we would need to discuss w/lawyer anyway. Still has the attitude that since I have more money, I should pay.

But H agreed to a few more sessions and even agreed to pay his share.

And I put on Arethra when we got back and danced around and was happy. H didn't look too happy.

OW is still in the picture.

breton,

Everything was fine. This was the place to get things out and you did. I actually like the positive change statement.

Just take things one step at a time. And now that you have an idea what to expect, it will be easier the next time.

You did fine.

IMP

I don't know. I think it did get H thinking. It got me thinking as well.

I am finding myself less open to reconciliation. I set the bar higher.

Sounds like yu feel good about how it all went. I'm glad you're still thinking and perhaps about different things as well.

I don't know if I feel good.

H had the NERVE to say that he was always making sacrifices.

Evidently I didn't make any.

breton,

Who nows if your H is thinking or not. What is important is that you are thinking.

IMP

Had DB session. H is mad at me. Probably doesn't like it that he is not going to be able to support himself in the lifestyle to which he had become accustomed, I'm going to be able to lead a comfortable life w/o him and he is pretty much on his own.

Guess he'll have to work that out w/the girlfriend.

DB counselor suggested that perhaps goal of situation now is to not make things worse--negotiate things in a cooperative manner.

I made some progress for a time but H is going to have to face his role in the situation at some point.