Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy This also posted under "Newcomers"

My wife went to see the OM last night. When she got home she imediately got in the shower. It seemed suspicious when she had showered that morning. She also used "summer's eve". This is why I want to die because I stooped to the point where I checked her underwear she had put in the bottom of laundry basket. Everyone can think I'm crazy but they had alot of fresh stains and they smelled like when a women gets HIGHLY excited. She keeps denying anything with this OM but I had to know. I wanted to confront her so bad but I'm afraid telling her how I know would push her further away. Should I tell her or keep quiet? Could there be an explaination for it? Like I said, I am 44 yrs old, I could die in a car accident and be gone, so I still struggle if it's worth hanging on in misery, etc. How many more years do I have anyways I think sometimes. I just don't know what to do

going-
Well, you have come to the right place. Most of us have been exactly where you are right now (I know I was there back in May 2007).

First, you need to get your hands on Michelle's book Divorce Remedy. I suggest that you pick it up at bookstore, because you do not want your wife to know you are reading it. Keep the book hidden from her. Once you have the book, flip to pagee 124 & read the Last Resort Technique. Then read it again. After you have done that, begin reading on page 1.

The basic DB strategy involves three things:
1 - Do not beg, cry, plead, reason with spouse. Desparate, needy people are not attractive.

2 - Do 180's. This is exactly what it sounds like. If you have been doing something that bothers her, stop.... or if there is some area of your life that needs improvement, do it. But DO NOT tell her or point it out. Let her find out on her own. One of the 180's for me was that I was indifferent (if not rude at times) to her friends and family. Not any more... Look within yourself for these.

3 - Get a life. You need to go out and do things. Join a men's club at church, take karate, boxing, walking club, the list is flippin' endless. You need to do stuff you have never done before. Show her that you have moved on, and will be OK without her. Find your passion and live it. This is the most powerful weapon you have to stop this divorce.

I have read some of your other threads, and here are my observations. First, please be more candid. You said on the other thread that she is moving out, but left out that detail here. The more we know, the more we can help. So pick one thread (I suggest this one) and post only here. Go ahead and offer help to others on their threads, but ask for help here.

Second, your wife senses your neediness. She knows that you are desparately clinging to her. The minute that she is aware that you don't need her is the minute that you begin drawing her back to you. You NEED to emotionally detatch from her, and you NEED to believe that your emotional happiness is not dependent on her love for you. Hey, it ain't easy. It took me months to get there. Forunately divorce is not an overnight thing. Time is your friend here, but you need to act now.

In closing, visit this board, and read what other people are posting. If I have learned anything it's that this group is full of caring supportive people who are willing to help. I'm one of 'em.

One more thing... you need help beyond what we can offer here. You should see a therapist ASAP. And an MD for an anti-depressant. I have read what you have written on other posts and it scares me.

Maybe some women can help answer this one here. But I think mark's advice is spot on. Watch out theo!

Now here's something else I have to deal with. My wife told me today that another co-worker made a comment about waiting to tell her OM (The OM is a co-worker of her's too)some sort of news at work before he comes. This was suppose to be a joke since some people at work know they are involved. Why was that suppose to be funny to me? To clarify, a co-worker said to my wife, "Oh you need to tell Matt that right before he "comes".
Why do people have to be cruel?

I know what you mean. My wife has also made crude/cruel comments as well which is where this seems to fit. I think it's their way of dealing with the guilt. Let me explain, the WS seems to think that if they can provoke you and you get upset then it validates what they are doing. Like everything WAS's do it's pure rubbish and should do your best to ignore. Best to say "yeah okay" and then go for a walk or something similar.

OK... Stop. You are allowing people to manipulate you.

Please, if you learn one thing from me, let it be this:
If you cannot control it, do not concern yourself with it.

You cannot control what other people say. So do not concern yourself with it. You cannot control what your wife does. So do not think about it.

You are swimming in self-pity, and understandably so. You have been through emotional hell. But realize that if you are truly on a mission to save your marriage, you must save yourself first. Stop with the self pity. Be tough. Be up to the challenge.

Theo, there is no need to watch out. I remain your pupil.

By "people" do you mean your wife? Isn't she the one who repeated it to you? Or do you mean the coworker was cruel to your W by making a crass joke?

Your W repeated this to you (if she didn't just make it up) as an in-your-face, "what are you going to do about it?" comment. She is definitely trying to get your attention. She may be enjoying seeing you jealous.

I agree with Mark's advice above, as well. You need to stop pursuing, stop snooping, get the book, and get going.

goinginsane,

I have been where you are. I don't know if you have children but if you do you have to get a grip. I nearly lost mine with my grief. You are helping no-one and you are driving your wife away. Your desparation has already shown her how much you care. Now enough is enough. I tried to kill myself - it really doesn't help - everyone left behind will live the rest of their lives with what you will have done. It won't solve anything but it will hurt a lot of people. Are your parents still alive? if they are, can you begin to imagine how bad they would feel. And as for your wife - you profess to love her and yet you are willing to lay this guilt at her door forever.

A much better course of action would be to prove to her by your actions what a great guy you can be.

Go see a doctor and get on some medication. It may take a while to kick in but it will help. It is not a sign of weakness that you need medication, it is a sign of illness.

Keep posting and let us know how you are because we will worry about you. Please take care. I do understand how desperate you feel but I am living proof that it gets better, and I am a success story, I am with my husband and happily married now. You have a lot to live for.

(((((((HUGS))))))))))

Saffie

goinginsane-

I just have to second what saffie said about the people on this board. They're the most wonderful bunch of people I could imagine coming in contact with. We will worry about you if you're not on often telling us how you're doing. You may have a few people that respond to your thread more often than others, but we're all reading it and watching out for you. Some may just feel that they aren't in a position to lend the right advice at the right time. I would be lost without this board. Times are rough, but coming here has surely kept my head above water. As bad as things seem, I get most of my laughs during the day/night from folks here too.

I was in a spot at one time where I couldn't do it myself on the suicide, but I wished like hell that someone would do it for me.

Keep in mind what Saffie said on her last point.....you do have a lot to live for. We ALL do.

Take care.

SueS

I read on the posts about never giving up. MY WAW left seven months ago. I have no idea how to not give up. Our divorce is final in three weeks. I am working on GAL, but really, the chances of her ever coming back are almost nil. She has made up her mind, moved out, got a job, and relies on the wefare system to provide the balance of her needs. Due to our schedules I see the kids only a few hours a week.

She is dating other men (she works at a health club). It is very hard to not get caught up in letting this bother me. It's one of those thought that keep going through your mind. You want to try to find out who she is dating. Spying is not an option, beacaue she will hit me with a restraining order.

In such a situation, how can one not give up.