Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Please someone help me!

very sad,

Your story sounds very much like mine. My H said the same kind of thing about me not showing enough love when we were together, not in love w/me anymore, our marriage was a mistake, etc. My H didn't file for D (yet), but he's living w/OW.

However, once I stopped pursuing, attempting to reason w/H, and being an emotional wreck around him, he started to be more loving with me. He even admitted that he wasn't as *happy* with his new life as he was in the beginning. Surprise-surprise -- the OW isn't perfect, either! He flip-flops from very loving to strictly platonic with me, and I'm learning to ride the waves.

One good thing about divorce is it isn't an instant thing. You still have time. Stop pursuing him, and do a 180 like the DR book says. No emotional meltdowns, no ankle-clinging, and NO talking about your R. PRAY a lot, and be patient!

Newground:
Welcome to the family!! May I suggest that you start a new thread? It's like having a place of your own that you can "decorate" as you like - give it a clever title that says "you," take the conversation in a different direction, etc.

In the mean time.... I am surprised that his family supports his adulterous lifestyle. My bet is that his family is wise to what is going on... they know it's not a good thing for anybody - including him.

Hang in there. You are doing well. Look forward to seeing your thread!!!

Thank you ALL so much for your help it is so comforting to know that other people are or have been in the same situation. I really cant thank you all enough for all of your help I really really appreciate it. My husband told me friday night that he has been seeing someone and since then I have taken everyones advice and just backed off. I dont pursue him any more and I dont beg or cry in front of him (just when he's not around). I'm praying that he will change his mind about D and love me again. I have a question that I hope someone can answer or give a little advice. My question is when a H starts seeing someone else while he is still married does he feel bad or guilty? I mean does it bother them at all or do they just feel that because they dont love w anymore and are heading for D that's it's just part of moving on. I would really appreciate any answers that anyone has and thanks agin EVERYONE for your help I really cant thank you all enough for caring and helping.

VS - Read Divorce Remedy about affairs and how long they last (usually about six months). Other outstanding books are Private Lies by Frank Pittman and Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. Read as much as you can and read the postings in this Forum. It really helps to know that so many good people are going through the same thing you are.

Almost all of the authors have found that although some affairs end up causing divorce and then even marriage to the OP (and then another divorce), most fall apart when reality finally sets in. Until that time, you will have little chance of getting through to your H. People involved in the euphoric stage of an affair become like psychopaths and drug addicts. They lose their consciences because of their constant need to get another hit of the OP, whom they are sure is their true soulmate. They also become champions at rationalization and denial. As a result they are able to shove all their guilt, sense of loss, and love for their mate behind a locked door. Only occasionally does that door pop open and all of a sudden they soften and show caring for their LBS. They are able to quickly shove the door closed again, however, in order to get another drug hit. (I wrote a little parable about the Course of an Affair on my thread below). When my W started her A and we separated, it was if I ceased to exist except as someone to take care of our kids while she was with the OM. She is basically oblivious to all the hurt she has caused in the pursuit of what she believes will be her eternal happiness.

Anyway the upshot is that affairs are almost always time-limited. The best thing that you can do is work on yourself and let your H spend as much time as possible with the OW (which I know is very painful). That will erode the fantasy bubble of their A more quickly while giving yourself a chance to grow.

In the meantime, know you're with friends here.

Hugs to you {{{VS}}}!

Larry

VS,
Larry has given you somve very good advice! I certainly found that my H did not have a conscience at the beginnning, it was all about him and what made him happy. At one time I told him that he was destroying our family and everyone was miserable. His reply was I have to be happy too. He seems to be slowly coming out of his fog, very slowly. It's been a year for me.

Yoyo