Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The View From the Bottom

Hope - I agree about the couselling - it wouldn't have done me any good at the beginning. In fact I had some, and it was useless. In part it was too early, and in part she wasn't the right one for me. I didn't have many sessions. But the therapist I started seeing [about 16 months post-bomb] has helped a lot. Partly he made me understnd more about the MLC rom a pschotherapeutic point of view, and he provided a 'safe' place to talk about my pain, and to see how it related to my own past. So that I could understand my reactions better.

I liked your post to Peaceful spirit too. We cannot fix them. I never snooped. Wanted to but realised that what I would find out would only cause me pain.

I think one of the hardest parts of dealing with the MLCer is their unreachability. We cannot touch them either physically or emotionally as we used to. They are immune to reason . . . .And the sooner we learn that, the better we can get on.

A

Well said, Angelica. They absolutely are immune to any kind of love, affection, helping-hand, voice of reason. They do eventually come out of the wreckage and see what they've done. However, what I know now is that this doesn't automatically mean they want to reconcile. I always thought once my H woke up from his horrible replay, he would run back to me, asking for another chance. That is not a guarantee and it didn't happen in my case.

Sometimes their guilt wins out.

Hope - from what you have posted it sounds like your h is still in a kind of shock: I am not predicting that he will want to come running back, but equally I don't think he is any condition to do anything right now except get from day to day [a bit like us post bomb]. From what people post here it seems the more acute the crisis the longer it seems to take them to get back to comfortable reality.

I know that the 6 stages have come in for a lot of criticism. While the time lines and linearity might be questionable, the PROCESS seems to hold good. And as Snodderly and others have said again and again, it takes them a long time to get comfortable in their own skin.

I believe that your h loved you very much pre-MLC, and what he has done has shocked him, now he can see it mmore clearly. I didn't trust myself or anyone else. emotionally, for a long-time post bomb. I think many of them have to learn to live with themselves again, before they can share a life with anyone else. In fact my h said as much to me about a year ago in one of his few 'lucid' moments. I asked himm how he enviaged his future, adn he said 'I have to get a life before I can ask anyone to share it'.



A

Yes, angelica, that is all so true as well.

I remember my H telling me that at this point in time, he's used to living alone, being alone. It's become the norm for him and I don't think he trusts himself to try to be close to anyone right now.

He also told me that he cannot be happy with anyone if he isn't happy with himself and his own life. Pretty basic, but at least he finally "gets it".

angelica, isn't it something that we can now discuss this in terms of years? I can't believe how long it's been since this all started.

Hope I do believe the notion of the MLC lasting 5-7 years is probably correct, depending on what you measure from. Replay certainly seems to last 18 months - 2 years+. In my own case, I would see three starting points:
A deep and dark depression beginning February 03;
serious illness for h and my mother December 03.

a series of minor triggers throughout the next 18 months leading to a radical change in behaviour in July 05, and the bomb in early October 05. So depending on what you count as a starting point, I have been dealing with an increasingly emotionally erratic h for about 4 and three quarter years.

He is still in replay, but I suspect hanging in there because he doesn't want to hit bottom. He is beginning to see the damage he has caused, and trying to build some bridges with children and his mother and friends . . . . Very damaged.

I know that your h saw 9/11 at a definite trigger - if I go back, my h had a huge career disappointment in the autumn of 2001. Your bomb was about 4/5 months earlier than mine?

OK comparisions can be problematic, but there does appear to be a pattern . . .

A

My bomb...the discovery of actual proof of ow, was 7/05. But there were problems a month prior and several talks where I kept asking if there was someone else. Always got a "no" answer to that, of course.

But over the couple of years before that, there were issues and episodes that indicated to me that H was growing away from me, becoming very childish in behavior and doing things that upset me as his wife. But nothing as bad as having the actual affair. I never imagined he was capable.

I think he's been depressed for years. And yes, they do fight hitting bottom; my H actually told me that last week.

I think sometimes what happens is that we, the LBS try to hold so much of our previous life together in one piece (I am guilty as charged) and while we struggle to hold the dam back from busting, they check over their shoulder every so often; if all still seems to be ok, they keep running. Perhaps it helps them to hit bottom once they truly start losing everything (at our expense though): the home, friends, maybe even family members, good standing at their job, cars, MLC 'toys', etc. As that all falls away and nothing is left, only then do they hit bottom.

Hope - my h was a litle unusual in that he didn't start the PA until after the bomb. EA started around late AUgust: she was so trashy that I didn't see the threat!

I agree about the longer term depression - the depression that my h described was of a darker sort than his ongoing mildly depressed state. And yes, I recognise the childish and upsetting behavour, which I largely ignored. Partly because I was used to dealing with adolescent males, and not letting things 'get' to me. Just post bomb a close friend said rather shrewdly 'You have been dealing with 4 children, not 3 for the past couple of years'

I think I wanted to keep the show on the road for the kids as much as for myself: and I am glad I did, What happened was bad enough for them as adults, or nearly adult. If it had happened a coule of years earlier I don't think I could have kept everything together for them. I am awestruck about how those with younger children deal with MLC. As it is, my eldest son was established in his career, second son in his research programme, and third son had just finished his high school.

There seems to be a distinction for them between the actual loss and the realization of the loss: my h actually lost the closeness and respect of his children from day 1, but it took a long time for it to sink in to him that this was more than their 'reaction' to something they didn't like. In fact I think he cried a litte in late August when we discussed this on the phone. He is still somewhat in 'victim' mode, wanting them to accept what he has done, and tending to blame them for their intransigence, while starting to recognise that what he did was horrible . . . I still get a lot of self justification onthe phone, but it is less agressive than formerly.

Wow, Hope. That is so true. First of all, what you described about how it all started... same thing in my sitch.

As for them fighting bottom, the hitting... I think you have a point. And I need to remember that in my case if I start to cave on forcing H to move out.

Anyway, I am so encouraged to see the progress your H is making.

Hi Hope,
Thanks for visiting my thread. I left a message for you. I will keep my fingers crossed that your H will wake up soon as well. HUGS

Thanks. I appreciate it.
Honestly Truelove, my H is fairly awake but we are not anywhere near reconciling. My situation seems a bit different than many others here (including yours) where the H seems to have received reality like a dose of cold water on his head and comes back to the LBS wanting to work it out.
My H knows the damage he caused, but has decided his guilt trumps all and it would never work out because he cannot forgive himself. At least not now. And perhaps, not ever. That's why I'm not exactly waiting for a chance to get back together, because it's very likely not going to happen in my case.
I do, however, pray for yours and others here.

I haven't heard from H in a few days now. He'll be in touch this week once the house is sold, I know. And he'll have received that old printed out email I sent him. Wonder if that will have gotten him thinking.

I had a good day spent with family today. Really beautiful fall weather, too. I appreciate the good times spent doing positive things. They mean everything in life.

Hugs to all of you. Thank you for all of your posts and help. I lean on you when you least expect it.
love,
Hope