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This morning my oldest son was a complete nightmare. I made the mistake of calling my husband to have him talk to my son. How do you all handle this? What do you do when you need help? How do you let go of your spouse and the phone.

Begging for help here.

I think you just have to pretend like your spouse is no longer an option. If he wasn't there, who would you call then or what would you do? Just make sure if and when you say something to him about it that you're not nasty, just matter of fact. "I've been having a hard time getting a hold of you lately and I really needed this done so I called X instead."

Bryan,

Thanks for the advice I know you are right.

Here is how this afternoon went.

11 AM I get a call from the school guidance counselor and my son was in sobbing. He had told her a lot of what went on but I feel he exaggerated a bit of what has happened. I got 100 questions on my husband and if i am abused. It was not fun.

(already failed at your advice Bryan)

I called my husband to talk about it and he got ticked off big time. He blasted me for 30 minutes on how it is all my fault that my kids think bad of him. Finally I just hung up. I got of the phone and something clicked inside me and for the first time in a while i felt anger. A bit to much because i sent him the following email.

You have made me the bad guy in all of your problems but here is what I think

You are miserable with yourself
you don't like the father that you are.. you feel guilt over the neglect of the kids up north and the pain you caused the ones down here
You feel guilt over your infidelity and your betrayal of me, Lisa, and even Lynne .. if there are more I don't know....
I think you are looking to fill the void in your heart in a million different places but you are not facing the problem and not filling the void.
You have not done any therapy to take care of you. You do not seek counseling for you. You are not trying to improve. You enjoy your misery because you don't know anything but that.
I think deep down you love me and you can't stand it because you know you don't deserve the unconditional love someone would give you. You know you don't deserve a wife that will love you beyond all of the ugliness you have caused her from betrayal, STD's, and more.....
I think it would be easier for you if I hated you and did fight with you because you could ease your conscious.
I think you want me to find someone else so you can feel less guilty about abandoning me and it would also be a great way to get some sympathy.
I think one day you are going to wake up and realize how many lives you have destroyed and it will be too late.
I think you feel really bad that You are verbally nasty to me, your mother, your kids, and I am sure others
you make everything about how everyone has hurt you and nothing about how you hurt others. You say your parents hurt you, Lisa hurt you, I hurt you but you take no responsibility for what you have done to us. You have walked out on two families for your own selfish reasons and self gratification.
Now for what else I think

I am going to give you what you want and I am going to stop bothering you. If you want information on the kids please call me.
I am going to be so good at this that I will not call you even for problems with the kids unless it is a life or death issue.
I am going to show them unconditional love and I am going to be there for them every day of their lives just like a parent should be.
I am going to teach them self respect by not letting you disrespect me anymore.
I am going to teach them how much you love them even if they don't see it or believe it.
I am going to move on with my life, find a place to live, and go on as if you don't exist because the Joey I knew doesn't. your right he did die.
I will not break my wedding vows but when it is all said and done and you have terminated our family I will move on and I will show them life goes on and that you can have a happy life even after you have been hurt so bad. I will move on and find someone that really knows what unconditional love is. I will show my kids a real family and real togetherness.
I will continue to pray for myself that I might walk the path God wants and while I fail a lot I will keep trying.
I will not miss my counseling sessions and I will face what is hard to face and I will work to get better.
I will pray for you that one day you will let go of Satan and turn to God. I will pray for this because rather we are together or not your children need a role model that they can look up to.
You win. You have hurt me deep. You showed me today how cold you can be. You attack me over everything.

I can't live anymore like this. I am trying to be calm and rational when we talk but I am feeling like a punching bag. You are so sure you hate me that you actually work at it. You go out of your way to be mean to me and that is so hurtful. You blame me for the kids feelings but here are some points on why they think the way they do about some things. I can never say this to you on the phone because you hang up every time you don't like what I say but think about this. Yes I do wrong and I do wrong a lot and yes I make mistakes. I am human and the difference in you and I is I will admit to mine. Think about these.
They have seen you yell at me for years and at them
They have seen you punch a hole in a wall.
They have seen you roll my arm up in a window.
They have heard you scream you hate me on the front porch.
They have watched me cry and pray for our family to be whole.
They have seen you with your mistress.
They have watched me take you back and forgive you all the time.
They see how you disrespect me.
They see how you turn from God and turn on your vows to him.
They see the one that is walking out without even giving counseling a shot is you.
They see how I work so hard to take care of five children.
They see I am the one to feed them, clothe them, help with homework, get them to school.
They know who is there when they have a bad dream and when they need a shoulder to cry on.
Your children believe what they believe because they see what is going on everyday.
They have tried to call you and had you not answer.
They have emailed you and gotten no response.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself for five minutes and look at all the damage you are causing.


Well needless to say he was a bit upset but the funny thing is that tonight is his night with the kids and when he came over he was nicer than he had been in forever.

He watches them here on Thursday nights so he saw me all dressed up and looking good. He asked where I was going and my son blurts out. She is going to dinner with Ben. (Ben is a friend of mine). My husband was so jealous and played 50 questions. I was evasive. When i got him he lingered here a bit and acted as if he didn't want to go but I sort of shoved him out the door. (it was so hard i wanted to take him to bed)

I am more determined than ever to not contact him for the next several days. i think if we have any hope at all it will be through my ability to let go of the control and let him see me change.

Thanks for reading the lengthy post.

Why does it have to be so hard to fight off the urge to call him? I have asked before with little response but what are some of things that you all do to cut off the phone and email contact? I just want to scream because I am so darn weak. I literally have to leave him alone it is crucial and yet I self talk myself and justify reasons to call him.

I think because at that time, we are quite literally addicted to that person and contacting them is what our addiction demands. Why does someone who can barely breathe suck smoke into their lungs? Why does someone with 4 DUI's continue to drink? Addictions push us to do things we know are bad for us. The best defintion I've ever heard of an addiction, and I've heard many in the course of working on my own, is that it's a physical compulsion combined with a mental obsession. So not only do you have a physical craving for it (your comment about wanting to take him to bed) but you can't stop thinking about it (this speaks for itself).

Also, check out the stuff on http://www.coping.org about codependency and detachment, there's some interesting info there. I don't fully subscribe to everything on that website but I do think there is some good insight.

Oh, and I meant to say that I don't think you failed by contacting your H about your kid. That seems like a natural thing to do given the situation. But, since you have told him that you won't do that anymore, you've closed that door. So don't do it. I have a good friend here that lets me send her e-mails that I want to send to my W. That way, I can get the crap out of my system, have the satisfaction of hitting send, but I don't have to deal with any of the fall out from W. Try it, it really does work. If you don't have someone there you can send it to, let me know.

Thanks Bryan for your advice. I am trying. I just hit another brick wall and failed again. I know I am only 6 weeks into this but wow I just suck at it.

My husbands mistress just called me to let me know he spent the night with her last night. (They supposedly broke up on Monday). I think she is toying with me just to hurt me. He however would protect her to death even though its over according to her. He told me this morning when we talked that he slept in his car.

Instead of just taking her jabs I then called him (BIG MISTAKE) and asked him why he lied and he went off about me checking up on him and it spiraled from there.

I got myself together came back to my desk to pay the phone bill and found he has locked me out of the account. I called him crying about that (BIG MISTAKE)

I am hopeless. I need to get a plan and get goals and let go but I am finding it so darn hard to do so. I am finding it so hard to let go of the man I love and gave my life to. I really need help. My biggest problem is that my family hates him and they are not supportive and 1400 miles away anyway.

I really have no one here except him, his family, his friends, and etc. I do have my church but no one I am extremely close with. I feel like I am an island out in the middle of the ocean with nothing but water surrounding me, sucking me in, and drowning me.

I need to snap out of my pity party but I am so alone it makes it hard.

Wow. I'm so sorry for your situation.

I'm really glad, just on a LBS level, that you "read him the riot act" with that email. Sounds like he had it coming.

I have only two quick comments/suggestions for you:


1. If he didnt already understand: make it clear to him, that his mistress called YOU, not the other way around. Offer to prove it, if you have means of doing so like a callerID log.

2. Avoid useless or self-hurting questions.
"Why did you lie", is a useless question, There is no way you can reasonably expect any kind of useful answer out of that.
You didnt even technically know that he lied to start with. But even if he did... what did you expect to achieve by asking the question?
Avoid non-productive questions. they only stir up drama


oh, and PS: sounds like, in reponse to your son's counsellor's questions, that he WAS "abusive" towards you in your marriage.
It might be interesting to talk with the counsellor, and describe in unbiased, strictly factual terms what was done, and get that person's take on it.
If they say "yes"... then the next time your H rants at you about "always painting him as the bad guy", etc, etc... simply point out, that you told the counsellor that he did A, B, and C, and that according to [him/her], that is abusive. SO yes, he IS "the bad guy".

In addition to what Dom said, stop beating yourself up for making mistakes. Are you making them: sure. Is it productive to berate yourself for them: no. Stop it. You made them, OK. Move on, make some decisions about what you want, what you need, and what you can put up with and act accordingly.

I think you would benefit from an hour this weekend of just sitting by yourself with a cup of coffee (or your favorite beverage) and seriously thinking goals and means. No interruptions, nothing else but you and your plan. Get it cemented in your head that this is who you are and this is your plan and your H does not need to do ANYTHING to make this happen for you. You make it happen. Somewhere along the way, you gave your H power over your feelings and I think he's demonstrated that he can't be trusted to use that power responsibly. So take it back. That's my suggestion.