Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? why don't I listen to my own stories?

I concur.

Maybe he wasn't sure about the other thing. Maybe he was checking the weather. Maybe he wanted to see if some other fun thing came up. Maybe he was trying to get his little ego boost from having you call and ask again about the weekend (good thing you didn't).

It doesn't matter why he did it. It is incredibly disrespectful to you. I understand that you don't want to tell him to go F himself, but you can't let it continue. So, make plans on your own.

In fact, you ought to get out of the house a little on your own next weekend, even if he gives you more notice. Just go. Leave him there to weed the back yard or whatever, and go get a manicure.

Weekend update- he was here for the whole weekend.

Friday night he got off of work so late, we ended up renting movies and eating in. Saturday, we got a late start and went to a little town about 80 miles away.

On the way up there we had some R talk. He isn't ready to come home but he thinks about it a lot. Feels like he needs to have "more experiences". I bristled at this and he added ""more experiences" could be with you."

He was sort of in a crummy mood but was doing his best to not show it (but I could feel it anyway.) I expressed my frustration in not being able to speak freely and he got a little heated and said "Damn it! I want you to speak freely. Say whatever you want." He also said that I am a "big girl and can make my own decisions" and when I asked him how he meant that he said that he understands that some women would say "F you. I'm done. Get your sh!t together and call." I told him that there were days I felt like that, but for now i was still standing for the marriage. For now. Not forever. I did take the opportunity to tell him what my expectations would be if he did move back in; no more bars-period. (He agreed) Friends over-he would need to help. I would expect to be cherished. I would expect that there would be no more waffling (of course.) I would expect that at least once a month we would go and do something really interesting. That he would be open to taking classes with me.

I did express that as much as I miss him, I have no desire for him to move home if he is confused.

I asked how his parents were doing and he said "they're weird". He has never said that they are weird so I asked him to elaborate. Basically, he said they are older, and set in their ways and judgmental. He knew they were somewhat that way before, but now he can really see it. And he doesn't give a sht what they would think if we get back together.

While we were in this town, there was a scooter store that had the CUTEST scooters. I have been wanting a motorhome for a long time and was trying to figure out how we would sightsee an area without having to give up our campsite. (I had decided that a motorcycle would be a good idea,but then read they weigh too much for the size motorhome I would want.) Anyhoo- the scooter is the ideal compromise. Even my H was really interested. So we ended up talking about them and a motorhome and how to haul them and if there was a way to tow a boat too (yes) etc. It was kinda nice to 'dream' about the future.

He bought something in a pottery store which he put up here at the house. (As opposed to taking it back with him to the apartment.)

He had originally told me he was leaving last night (after dinner) but ended up staying over til this morning.

All in all a good weekend....not so keen on his confusion, though.

Woohoo!! you're doing great!



and good for you for showing your colors there

I think he's saying that he wants to "keep having fun", and seeing if the good times can last. It's probably his "MLC-lite" double-checking if he really needs to turn his life upsidedown to have fun, or whether he can just continue on the revitalized marriage road that you are showing him.

personally, I think that one way of helping that, is UPPING your statement of "once a month" for doing something interesting. I think you should make it clear that you expect to have fun at least once a week. but once a month, he should really knock your socks off!

I'm really happy for you.
I, believe it or not, had a semi similar weekend experience. but waaay scaled down. we didnt "spend all weekend together", you lucky girl. but we spend all morning and some of the afternoon saturday, out with our children. and then some other unexpected, really surprising, but positive things that I wont go into.. but still make me say "wow... hmm.." to myself.

dont sweat the "confusion" from your H.. it's early days.
If he's still the same amount of confused after a month from now, then whap him over the head or something, but otherwise, I'd say just be happy that you are Doing Great

oh, PS: speaking of "spending all weekend together"... my W agreed to let me book a family weekend mini-trip nearby to us. Two nights with us and our children.. and the children get a separate room.

Unfortunately, that doesnt mean a turning point, by itself... but the last two family trips we've had since she moved out, were very enjoyable, so I'm really looking forward to it

Wow Dom- A family weekend! Good for you! After the last post where you said you shouldn't talk about your sitch, I was really concerned. I am glad that you updated.

well, there's still lots to be "concerned" about... ha...

OH... I just realized... he turned down that dumb "beer raft" thing to be with you this weekend! Fantastic!

you are one lucky girl...

I don't think he turned down the beer float; I think it just didn't happen. When I spoke with him Thursday about why he couldn't just tell me what was up re the weekend, it was the beer float, "but it doesn't look like a lot of people are interested. I'll know more tomorrow."
My *ass*umption is that not enough people showed an interest.

That makes me second choice. The winner by default. (FYI-I am not in a good way right now.) Our daughter just told me she is effing pregnant AGAIN. She was FINALLY getting her life together. Figuring out school. Literally JUST moved over here to get her life straight. Living rent free (for a time) in a mobile home on my parents property; close by. (Not 2 hours away like before.) She already gave up a baby in February. She's not sure what to do this time. I am very conflicted. She's not far along (a month maybe) and said that her choices were adoption, abortion or keep it. Her boyfriend (same one from the first baby) said that he is in no way ready for a child. (Duh. He broke up with her a few months back by moving out and leaving a note. And now they are dating again. CRAP!!!!!)She said she was taking the pill; says she didn't miss any doses. I don't know. Doesn't matter now I guess. She was pretty upset and also upset that I was disappointed.

Last night I had to call H to tell him what was going on and it made me really realize that I am here alone. We talked for a short bit and then he had to get going to work on homework. (His class is tonight, so intellectually I understand; emotionally not as much.)

I am second guessing my decision to see my H. He goes in waves of obviously being happy to be with me, to being more like the "old" him that is just going thru the motions. Why would he come home if he gets to be have both worlds? Worse, what if he only comes home because he hates living in an apartment.

I haven't heard any more ILYs since the week before when he was drunk (and the morning after).

My client/friend invited me/us to go to China this coming spring and when I told him about it, he was very ho hum. non-committal. (Goes along with him not knowing how he is going to feel.)
I have been talking about Costa Rica for YEARS. I haven't gone on a real vacation (more than 3 or 4 days) for YEARS. His parents are talking about taking a trip over Christmas to Costa Rica and had invited us to go along. (Knowing that we were selling our first house and would have proceeds from the sale.)(Of course, I was only invited originally because I'm his wife. Now that he moved out, I am not invited anymore.) The tour company sent us a brochure and we were looking thru it and I told him that I will be REALLY upset if he goes without me because that is something I wanted to experience WITH him and I have talked about it for so long. He did not seem upset or annoyed that I was saying this, so I sure hope he takes it to heart.

I'm gonna finish this by saying that as time goes on, I am getting more ticked off with his parents. I am glad that he is not "buying into" what they are saying; but I sure wish they hadn't just thrown me out like that.

So sorry for the babble.

Hmm... sounds like he's getting a little TOO comfortable.
good that you spent the weekend together though, i think.

maybe you should start reading the "piecing" forum more. i'm guessing most peole dont get a "perfect" husband back when they start recovery, though.

I have only heard ILY 2 different occassions since July 5th. I guess I should take what I can get? I dunno.

One thing that I thought was positive is that he left one of his guitars here. He had taken all of them to his apt and was bringing one back and forth. While I made dinner the other night he practiced, worked on some songs and I told him that it was nice to hear him playing again.

When he left yesterday morning, he went towards the guitar (which I expected) but then he only grabbed his tuner (which I did not expect.)
But, perhaps this is more of feeling TOO comfortable?

When we were talking this weekend about the possibility of reconciling in the future, I said that we probably would need to go thru a "process" so that we didn't just end up in the same pickle. He said "I am sure you will read some books on what to do and then you can tell me about them." He said it sorta tongue in cheek because I have SOOO many self-help relationship books, but he also acknowledged that we would need to do 'something.'

Edited to add that he also said he "wasn't trying to lead me on" "was not using me" & "can't guarantee what's going to happen in the future" ; these were all peppered thru out the conversation in addition to hopeful comments.

well, from my own bad experiences of what happens when pushing for commitment too early.. i'd say dont push it :-/

Most of the more successful recoveries I've read, happened when the leaving spouse comes back, and says, "I'm ready to commit".
It usually doesnt work too well, to goad/badger them into it.

Even when you want to take a foam bat and whack them repeatedly until they come to their senses.. i'm just POSITIVE that would help... wouldnt it?