I went to temple last night to celebrate Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.
The rabbi spoke of being thankful for the year that we had first and foremost and then praying that this year be a better year.
I welled up a bit as I struggled to be able to thank God for the last 12 months. This is the first time that I ave been back to temple over the last 13 months and I have to be honest, my faith is lacking.
The Rabbi spoke of marriage, he said that there is an old saying that a man says to his wife, " Home is where you are". He said that this means that home is about being together. That home is being with the one that you love, through their good qualities and bad. That it is about understanding that no matter what is going on in your life, as long as you are together, you are "home".
I understand that the rabbi was speaking in a generic sense as they create their speeches with the thought of lasting marriage in mind, but this hurt a bit.
My wife lost her sense of home, through her own undoing as well as mine.
So I begin a New Year, a stronger man than I was 12 months ago for sure, yet still in many senses of the meaning, a broken man.
Today is about reflection, and looking forward to what the next 12 months will bring. I have a very hard time with the reflection aspect, while I know it has been a period of growth, I also know that it has been a very painful time for me.
I understand that you simply have to spin it and be thankful for what you have gained, and I am. I am thankful for the relationship that I have gained with my children. I am thankful for God giving me the strength and courage to get trough the last year. I am thankful for God putting so many special people in my life over the last year, you know who you are.
However, I am having a hard time being thankful for the reasons that these things have occurred. Did it have to be at this price that I gain these things to be thankful for?
I am up at 4:00 in the morning trying to understand why it is that I still love this woman. After all that she has done, after all of the sorrow and pain that she has caused me, and after all of the hurt that she has inflicted upon me, why is it that I still Love her?
It's almost like I am struggling to understand the emotion of it all. My mind tells me that I should hate her, but my heart just will not completely allow it. My heart tells me that no matter what, she is part of me and always will be.
So I am supposed to at this point be grateful for last year and look forward to the upcoming year. I am having a very hard time doing that, as I know that there will be some very painful moments over the next year and there is nothing that I can do to stop them from happening.
I understand that my objective in praying is that God help me get through those times, but it is hard to be inspired today. It is hard to feel joyous in the new year knowing that the next 12 months will bring with it the end of my marriage to a woman that I still love very deeply. I have a hard time in celebrating that.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble, sometimes we jews get very self reflective during this time of year. I figured since it was keeping me up, it was worth posting about.
I already know your responses, I understand that I need to focus on the positives. I just had to get the other stuff out of my system as it has been at the fore front of my mind tonight.
I love you all and I thank you all for being there for me this last year. I do not know where I would be without you....
Love you to Lissie Bean, and you and Figgy are most certainly two of those extra special people who have been there for me, thank you so much for all you both do for me.
What a beautifully written post. I can relate to so much of it.
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I welled up a bit as I struggled to be able to thank God for the last 12 months. This is the first time that I ave been back to temple over the last 13 months and I have to be honest, my faith is lacking.
In my moments of weakness, I wonder if I am being punished for stepping away from my church. My faith is lacking as well. I come to these boards and read all of these posts from people who are, evidently, very spiritual. Yet they are in so much pain. I just wonder if our voices are being heard. But then I read about situations that are far worse than mine and think that maybe my voice is being heard a little.
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I understand that you simply have to spin it and be thankful for what you have gained, and I am.
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However, I am having a hard time being thankful for the reasons that these things have occurred. Did it have to be at this price that I gain these things to be thankful for?
I just keep wondering why it has to be at this price... It is a pretty steep price to pay....
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I am up at 4:00 in the morning trying to understand why it is that I still love this woman. After all that she has done, after all of the sorrow and pain that she has caused me, and after all of the hurt that she has inflicted upon me, why is it that I still Love her?
I wonder if we hurt more because we still love them. Is it easier for them because they think they don't love us anymore? I know it would be easier for me if I hated him. But I struggle with the fact that someone that I love can cause this much pain to me.
My H wants to be friends with me. I struggle with that. My friends are mature, caring, responsible, compassionate, and don't want to take a "time-out" in the middle of our friendship. Right now, my H doesn't meet those qualifications.
Your post really touched me, Ian. Thank you.
Happy New Year...I do pray that the new year will bring you some measure of peace.
I haven't posted to you in awhile, but have tried to keep up with you! I can totally relate to you post, I struggle with faith too, I am Catholic and have struggle for sometime with how or why would a god give us so much pain. Its a hard one to answer, fathom... But you are a strong, strong man, and doing a wonderful job with yourself and your kids, so put your faith in you and that!!!
((((Ian)))))
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Happy New Year. I say that with the respect for a man who deserves it.
You still love her b/c you have character, Ian. You don't just fall out of love b/c you are hurt or being treated w/disrespect if you are truly a good person. And you are.
Enjoy your babies b-day. She is the reason (well, one of them ) you are building a new life!
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
Muffin...you know that welove you and you will always have a home with me.
A long time ago I read this book and in this book it said that before we were born,all of our souls were up in heaven and we chose the path that our lives would take and only the strongest souls took the hardest paths.
We took the hardest paths because we were brave and strong and full of love and didn't want anyone else to struggle.
We chose it because we had faith we could do it.
It helps me remember that, sometimes, when the journey is not so fun, that at some point I was so strong that I volunteered so others wouldn't have to take it.
Muffin...you know that welove you and you will always have a home with me.
A long time ago I read this book and in this book it said that before we were born,all of our souls were up in heaven and we chose the path that our lives would take and only the strongest souls took the hardest paths.
We took the hardest paths because we were brave and strong and full of love and didn't want anyone else to struggle.
We chose it because we had faith we could do it.
It helps me remember that, sometimes, when the journey is not so fun, that at some point I was so strong that I volunteered so others wouldn't have to take it.
It is too much today the love.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
) you are building a new life!
It is too much today the love.