Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now I've done it

no to nursing infant. a judge will not even make force that one. no way, no how. seriously, not at that age, they nurse too much. gone for too long.

I am a VERY strong proponent for dad's spending time with their kids. as you can see from my situation, I am very agreeable to H with visitation (as long as ow isn't involved, of course). I think its very important for the kids. but a nursing infant? nope, that would have been a different story. and H wouldn't even have asked about that one.

maybe he could do something special with S2, but its too long for the infant, and you have the perfect excuse on that one...awww, honey, I just can't see how it can work with the baby. but S2 would love to spend x time with you, I know. and definite groundrules here, no OW.

At 5 months my children were still nursing constantly, I didn't start solids until 6-8 months (8 months with the twins). unless you are a pumper who does not nurse regularly, I just don't see how this would work.

She nurses exclusively. I can't trust the OW groundrules thing. He still won't openly admit there is an OW. (eyeroll). If I tell him not to do something, he does exactly that. My toddler still nurses, but very little. He does not like to be away from me at all. He's seen dad 2 times in 3 1/2 weeks. I tried to stay one night at my brother's and he had a hard time. I leave for a few hours and he's a mess. His world has been turned upside down. Now he's going to be away from me and in a strange environment?

No no no. I am going to "stroke" him a bit and encourage a special day trip. Maybe I'll leave the overnight thing open for S2. I have suggested H come here while I run errands. He ignored it. I don't think he's respecting the no OW rule. Just a gut feeling.

He's isolated his family. I don't think he's going where he says he is, but I can't question and I can't check on him. I have to trust the untrustable and hope to God he is not so out of his mind that he would put our beautiful children in an inappropriate situation.

The fact that he is even suggesting this after not even calling them for so long raises red flags to me. Why not take them to the park for a few hours a day or something?

Actually, I think he is testing me. I say "you can see the kids anytime" and he says "well how about the weekend" because he KNOWS it is unreasonable. I am cornered. I have to say no and then he will be able to blame ME for him not being able to see his kids. He will be able to say that I am selfish and controlling and blah blah blah. What a butthead (now I sound like a teenager)!

I'm going to use Morgan's line. Thanks, Morgan. It is well said. I have to take a leap of faith as to where they go. My kids are too small to tattle.

My H has pushed his family away too. Guilt talking, big time. This is odd, that he avoids small contacts with them, but wants them for the whole weekend. A normal person would want everyday contact, even phone calls, etc. And a normal person would realize that a weekend visit is way too long for their age. My girls will have a TOUGH time away from me if that ever happens. I just pray I won't sit and cry while they are gone, wondering if they are crying for me as well.

Agreed. Are you cosleeping with the baby too? Ya know what, that does not even matter. I mean it is a polite way out. But c'mon. Those kids have been through enough without thinking "What if Mommy leaves us now?" Sorry, but that is the guilt trip my D6's TH put on me and she may be right. My kids are pretty anxious about losing their Dad, who is next grandma? Mommy? Auntie? Kids need to be with a primary parent and in their beds at night consistently. That is totally my bias though and my H is homeless so there is no contest there....yet.

Neph. Your H makes my skin crawl because I have a feeling he waltzes into his teachers' lounge like the cat's meow, as though all those other colleagues think he is the cool teacher. That is how well my H used to be loved but karma is striking more quickly than expected. We have a man like that at work and everyone gossips behind his back but we are all nice to his face, but I know what a jerk he is, I know.

You handled that phone call beautifully except for one thing. You anawered when you already had daycare covered. Imagine he is unavailable for anything from now on. Imagine another emergency contact. Wait are you Dark or is that just me?

I really hate what your H is doing to his kids. Mine, too! I saw a man like that on Dr. Phil today, The Nanny Affair, they called it. this H was a real piece of work trying to lie to Dr. Phil even after he was caught! It was classic denial.

Yes, MK, you are right. I shouldn't have answered. I wouldn't be in this predicament if I had just let it go to v-mail. Also, he is the cat's meow. For a month, everyone in MY family was saying I was crazy. They would talk to him and he would say, "Yes, she's under a lot of stress right now, but everything's going to be ok." He never said that I was stressed b/c we had a newborn and he wasn't coming home at night b/c he was with OW and lying to me all the while.

lwb, yes a Normal person would do things differently. He is NOT normal. I don't think he wants the kids for the weekend, and it definitely isn't what's best for them. I think he threw that out because I would have to say no, and then he could make me the bad guy.

good luck, neph. will be thinking of you...hope it goes smoothly.

Thanks for the encouragement neph, My husband and I still have joint checking accounts and I take care of all the finances so we need to talk for that. He doesnt call very often. i had to call him this AM to tell him that I have the check for his truck payment and he needs to get it and take it to the bank. I made sure to sound very upbeat and happy and laughed several times on the phone. I mentioned nothing about the R or the OW. He supposed to come over tonight to discuss finances but I told him I was going out and wouldnt be able to talk long. I told him I got home late last night and he inquired as to where I was. I told him I just went out with someone didnt say who or where. (I made it up to try and make him jealous) I wrote him a letter that is advised in a book by Dr James Dobson. Basically stating that I have been going through a hard time and I know I cant hold him in this marriage I didnt force him to marry me and I cant force him to stay and that I am trusting God to help him make the right decisions and I am letting go and letting God. I hope this doesnt backfire on me. Anyone have any thoughts as to whether I should give it to him or not? All it basically says is that I am letting go and I respect him and his decisions. Should I leave it for him or not? Im so confused.

Oh, yes, Dobson's tough love. If you write that letter, be very careful how you word it. You do not want to put guilt or come off as being manipulative. The idea is to display unconditional love for your spouse while setting clear boundaries that demonstrate you are not willing to sacrifice your values and self respect. It's hard to do both at the same time, especially when one is an emotional mess.

The choice is yours, but I recommend demonstrating these things through your actions without actually giving the actual letter. The letter may come off as persuing, especially since your spouse is already out the door. This technique is most effective when the Spouse does not want to lose what they have. Then the "crisis" might work. I'm sure other people here will give you their opinions too. The tough love seems to be a controversial subject in these parts.

I'm trying to decide whether to take this thing with the kids head on or just stay in the dark.

If I don't adress it, I will be accused of sabotage.

If I call him and tell him what he doesn't want to hear, it might lead to an altercation.

Maybe an email stating something like:

Although I think it is wonderful that you would like to spend so much time with the kids, I do not believe either are ready for an overnight stay away from home. A day trip would be lovely. You are more than welcome to visit or call them anytime. You may take them out or spend time with them here while I run errands, etc.

I don't know. Maybe the last 2 lines are overkill. I've told him this verbally more than once. He will not call me unless I call him first. Stubborn proud man. That's why i'm in the dark, to change the pattern.

OK. lay it on me. What do you all think? Dark, call, or e-mail?