Maybe codependent is not a bad thing then? Maybe there is a better term for it? I always thought it meant when we are enablers of habits that can be harmful or unhealthy but we cannot break free because of a codependency? Raising kids and working on a marriage even when it is stale or seems unhappy does not seem codependent, but you can make changes now so it is not too late.
I think my H also went through a phase where he wnted to play house and happy family after physical seperation but he would never stay to watch a movie or eat in the family home. That seems like a good place to be SummerD. It sounds like you are still Acting As If so stay positive.
Pony, Let us know how the dating world is. I think Homer is right and divorce do get busted more quickly when the LBS dates. It is good on so many levels. It is a wake up call, an ego boost for someone previously foresaken, it shows that the LBS has a choice and is no longer a pursuer, but detached.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
If you think you and your H still have a chance, look into a Retrouvaille weekend. PonyGirl and I both have gone. I had great results and am now happily married to the same old guy. I know PonyGirl also thought it was a great weekend, but unfortunately, it did not bring her husband back to her. You can read Limbo and EdieMarie's threads also, they both went this past weekend. there's more info on their website with dates and locations, http://www.retrouvaille.org. Both my husband and I say that the retrouvaille weekend was the best spent 2 days of our lives. I really think it could be the turning point that you need right now.
I just went to the webstie - thanks Sara. But I think anything even remotely religious may turn him off. He's essentially agnostic (we probably were not matched well in that regard from the get-go), very confused and the OW claims to be "so religious" yet her actions are contributing to the destruction of my family. Were your husbands open to the weekend? How did you approach the subject? I just don't know if he's ready. He comes over and all but there is no talk of anything about our relationship - no communication about repair, divorce, anything. I have posted here that I recently saw a therapist who suggested I take him to dinner and tell him that we miss him and we want him to come home. I did and the response was crying and warmth but no answer and no movement toward couples counceling which I left information about on our counter per therapist's instructions.
Me: 41 H: 50 M: 15 years S14-D12-D10 S: 05/07 Back home: 08/08 EA: 4 yrs
mkultra You may consider googling co-dependency and look for items that debunk the whole thing.. just for perspective. I think we can damage ourselves by enabling for our own need to "save" somebody but I think there is a distinction between this and simply loving and wishing to assist the people we love. Sometimes those loving acts match the same symptoms of the so-called "co-dependent." It can get confusing.
Me: 41 H: 50 M: 15 years S14-D12-D10 S: 05/07 Back home: 08/08 EA: 4 yrs
My H is an anti-Catholic former Catholic. I am Jewish. Neither of us got much out of the priest's talks. But he did not preach or sermonize. He just talked about the topic at hand as it related to his life or the lives of people he knew. As the topic was marriage, he really had no personal experience to bring to it, so he stuck mainly to talking about his family of origin, or the life of a priest. We did not mind at all have some time to just let our minds wander. The program is sponsored by the Church, so they help to fund it. We felt that the program was truly amazingly good, and since it was supported by the Church, the price was a bargain. If the bargain came with listening to a priest for some of the time, that was fine. Limbo said something about her husband being non-religious, and not bothered by the participation of the priest. There are many people there for whom the priest is perhaps the most important part. To me, his presence was justified to fill their need.
He had an affair, and I found evidence and confronted him. He said he didn't want a divorce, so we tried to put the marriage back together. But I was angry and he was blaming me for his affair and trying to get me to see that. So we were having bad times. One day we went out to the country club to have a "nice" talk, and he started again blaming me for his affair. I would have stabbed him with a fork, but there were none on the table. I flew into a rage and screamed at him in public. People on the golf course turned around and looked at us. So we knew we were really bad.
As we were driving home after that we were both silent. Then I said, "I hear there's something called Retrouvaille. It's a marital weekend retreat and it's supposed to help people like us. We should go." If I hadn't said that we would have both contacted lawyers on Monday. So he said, "OK, you look into it." And that was it. I booked us to go as soon as possible. We walked in scared and worried, and they took over. By Saturday night we were stealing away from dinner to go to the room and have sex! I couldn't imagine that it would really work that well. When they asked for a donation at the end, my husband gave more than they asked for. So then I knew that he really did want to stay together.
