Hey brava, do you check email as often as you post on your thread?
Still competing. It's a marathon.
I did tell H I wasn't running a bed and breakfast for him, along with a list of other things he didn't like to hear. It was his birthday this week, I gave him a card that said - 'when I brag about all your wonderful qualities.....I feel like I am talking about me!'
Hope you didn't blow away in the windy city, it sure was!!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
hey wcw... yup about the same... did ya write me?? I didnt see you post back so I figured I missed you.
how was rosemont?? all that you ever dreamed of and more??
i like the bday card for H. cute.
i have not posted lately since I just dont know what to say. (I had even started a post and quit.) my sitch? whatever. he called last weekend to invite me to a food show he was working at. I thanked and said (same day invite) i had to tutor.(which was true) then we said we would talk during the week... hmmm, is the week over yet?
I figure he is just "respecting" my email before my departure. i am sure his friends are telling him that he should stay out of my life... as it just hurts me. (he has been told this before by his friends.) Lets see how long he stays away? I am kinda curious.
whatever, whatever, whatever!!!!
i am actually doing pretty well. i am not killing myself at the moment to figure things out. i am just focusing on going with the flow and being open to what comes my way.
funny part is . a part of me is still hopeful and still believes that my h will eventually find his way back (just not sure if I can wait that long.
RCR was writing an average of 4 to 7 years or something. geesh.
Ah well, i keep telling myself that this too will pass and I might as well enjoy life as much as I can in the meantime and focus on being ok with just me.
WCW, do you have a thread now? gotta look for it. i will have lotssssssss of time to reda post this weekend and maybe even go wild and POST!!!
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
against my better judgement i searched for H on skype. (he had said before to me : hey i am on skype maybe we can chat". strange. he lives a mile away and we can call each others cell phones for free. )
anyway, not only did i find him but he totally filled out the profile (which most people dont do. they just state gender and location). So besides his bday, age , gender, location, he has down italian as his lang. and wrote under the pers info part: "do you want to learn italian?"
just kinda icky and sad. such a lame attempt to chat with women imho. interesting thing is how he puts himself in the position to "teach" . Seems like another example to himself and the world that he is in control and doing great.
yuck. i knew should not have looked.
ok, one last comment. i was looking today at a pic of us from six years ago. His face was so different. It was so open , soft and "innocent". ok yeah he was not perfect. he had anger issues was impatient...BUT I realize that now, even though he acts so happy and in control, his face has this jaded, hard and guarded expression. it just made me sad. i really beleive that guy is still in there somewhere. even if it is not with me I am praying that he will find that part of himself again one day and integrate it with the more mature and wise H.
sigh.
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
I have once again dropped off from my own thread. I notice this happens when I am really trying to figure things out.
Geesh, before my trip to Asia, I wrote a few emails that I realize now were pretty judgemental ... at the very least : preachy.
It had to happen. I don't regret it (weeeelllll, maybe a little ), I do beleive everything happens for a reason.
Some things that have occurred:
my sis still is not in contact with me.
my mom and I had a talk about the sitch. (We never talk about it.) It was a huge breakthrough for me . I did not expalin my reasons for not getting a divorce yet except to say that I had to do what I beleived in and that only I had to walk in my shoes. She was doing the usual guilt and manipulation thing but I was detached and sweet. BIG step for me! Usually I get pulled into the drama.
i realized that though I have always said I trusted my H and gave him so much freedom in the R, I realize now that I gave him freedom to go out etc etc but I held him close mentally through guilt and subtle threats of what was right and wrong. (I get now that is what my mom and sis do as well...including with me. ) huge things to understand about myself.
I realize that I have been doing a lot of the shutting out in the H sitch. I see now how ever since a kid I would close down like that to beat peopel to the punch.
I have gotten into Byron Katie's The Work and Barry Kaufman's Options approach... 2 great techniques for questions beliefs.
I have been looking at the beleifs behind my pushing so hard against my Hs life and friends. I have always done this and it is not good for him and even more: it is terrible for me. I give them so much power. My H keeps wanting me to connect with them. I realize that until I can accept them our sitch cant improve: they are what he has created for himself on his own. they are people who love him and who he can take care of. (Yes, not healthy relationships... but I was thinking, probably all he can manage right now.) THey are that other part of him: the imperfect."bad" part that he always felt I would not accept.
Amazing , in all of this, I always come back to me and working on my beliefs and fears.
sigh
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
Geesh, before my trip to Asia, I wrote a few emails that I realize now were pretty judgemental ... at the very least : preachy.
It had to happen. I don't regret it (weeeelllll, maybe a little ), I do beleive everything happens for a reason.
24 hour rule, did you use it? If the shoe was on the other foot, and you got an email like that how would you respond/react?
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I realize that I have been doing a lot of the shutting out in the H sitch. I see now how ever since a kid I would close down like that to beat people to the punch.
Ouch. I can look in a mirror and repeat those words. I know I do it, and I try to stay open but sometimes the pain gets so unbearable that I shut down. It's coming back out time after time that makes me wonder if I am a sain person.
How do you put your toe in the water to start accepting H's friends? He has offered and invited you, are you going to accept?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WARNING , WARNING, WILL ROBINSON, SUPER LONG POST....
OK , enough avoidance of your questions , WCW.... Here we go:
Quote:
24 hour rule, did you use it? If the shoe was on the other foot, and you got an email like that how would you respond/react?
No, I did not use the 24hr rule. It is so fascinating how when I react like that it seems so "of course". If the shoe was on my foot I would get mad and confront and feel pretty crappy. I guess in the end I can spew too!
Quote:
How do you put your toe in the water to start accepting H's friends? He has offered and invited you, are you going to accept?
You know, H has invited me soooooo many times. Sure now when I can imagine accepting he has finally stopped!
I have been thinking a lot about something I read on frank d's "More Growing and Healing" thread:
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One other thing to remember is that both spouses brought their issues into the marriage, trying to 'resolve' them with their 'stand in' Father or Mother. The problem is they went into it afraid that they couldn't really 'be themselves' and WORK on resolving issues because of the fear that their S would not accept this side of them.
Things like being able to have a disagreement with frank_d and not be afraid it will turn into a fight, or being able to be accepted as a sexual goddess and not feel like I'll never be forgiven or accepted for all my past promiscuity or other things I've done that I'm not very proud of. It's knowing that you loved me enough to forgive me for acting out and running away so I could 'feel better' instead of standing and working on both of us.
When you both don't work on these things or when life throws you some hard balls, it's very easy to 'fall back' into your old, familiar behaviors because THAT's who you are.
When we can look at these behaviors and work through them with our stand in fathers and mothers, we can put them away forever and become a whole person.
W also points out that it was the fact that I just let her be - I didn't judge her actions, I accepted them and was willing to let her go, that she started to realize that I did love her - unconditionally, and that she wouldn't find that kind of love anywhere else.
Also, we wouldn't have been able to be together UNTIL we finally went to counseling and talked about the REAL issues, her feelings of inadequacy in our relationship because she was so dependent on me for everything, and my annoyance that she WAS so dependent on me for everything - I wanted her to be herself, have a life, find a career that fulfilled her needs.
I felt very unsupported when the 'chips were down' and she had to realize it was ok to talk about things, instead of closing down and hoping I would 'get over it'.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, but the bottom line is this:
We brought 'ourselves' into the marriage. Some of it we kept suppressed, but in the end it had to come out and be addressed one way or he other. So, the people we are during the MLC or while being a WAS are REALLY who we are. It's what we DO with that knowledge that makes the difference in how the FUTURE 'us' will evolve.
As the LBS, we can do the most good by accepting that this is who the WAS REALLY is. If the situation is extreme, we do have to protect ourselves, our kids and our financial situations.
However, the longer we show the unconditional acceptance of who they are, without allowing them to abuse us of course, the higher the probability that they will eventually see for themselves that they CAN have a better, calmer life in a stronger, more open relationship. That their old 'self' just doesn't have to be 'who they are' any more. They can be free of that pain.
For some, that awakening may come too late to save the marriage. Yet, because of who many of us are on this board, because we will always show the acceptance and understanding when possible, they will be continuously getting that feedback from us, and it will be what eventually turns them around and provides an awakening.
Maybe they will be with us, maybe not. Either way WE will be doing the right thing.
This is the piece I have been resisting: that this "Alien" in my H is part of who he is. I realize now it is.
Note: I think it is a part of who he is and there is this other part of him (sweet, kind, blah blah) that I have always accepted. It is this "darker" side of H that I always ignored and if anything condemned. It is the part that does things that are not sensitive, the part that is "needy" (his words), the part that thrives on being the center of attention, the part that is angry, the part that does not think can be loved by his wife that is so perfect and together.
NOW I get why H would always say toward the end that he could not be himself with me, that the "going out " part was the "real him". (Drove me NUTS when he would say that!! )
A person needs to be the perfectly human person that they are and still feel safe and accepted.
SO, this is an issue I had always had with myself: trying to be strong and perfect and together... afraid to show my "weak" soft side. THese 2 years have shown me that I can be perfectly imperfect and enjoy and accept that. From there I can gently create shifts in my life that I want. (without beating myself or any one else up in the process!)
sigh...
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
This is the piece I have been resisting: that this "Alien" in my H is part of who he is. I realize now it is. ... A person needs to be the perfectly human person that they are and still feel safe and accepted.
SO, this is an issue I had always had with myself: trying to be strong and perfect and together... afraid to show my "weak" soft side. THese 2 years have shown me that I can be perfectly imperfect and enjoy and accept that. From there I can gently create shifts in my life that I want. (without beating myself or any one else up in the process!)
brava, This seems to be a common theme lately, that the MLCer is really just showing a part of himself that was there all along. I find that because of this crisis I find myself to be less accepting of the imperfect sides to myself. I keep thinking "No wonder he left me, who would want someone who does ..." I know it is just the depression talking and that we all have those quirky sides to ourselves. I guess one issue though is the nature of that hidden side. These MLCers seem to be showing a very selfish side to themselves that causes so much destruction.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
I dont have kids so I cant begin to imagine what you are going through.
I can only speak for what I have seen in my H these last 2 years and even before he left. If he could have done differently I know now he would have. I am not excusing what he has done. i also believe that the true place to work through issues such as his is within a marriage. That said, I am getting to a point of accepting better what is and taking it from there.
My H knows he is "slumming" but obviously his friends and his life are giving him something he needs right now. Will they sustain him long term? heck no. I think he knows that actually. I just keep reminding myself not to take it personally.
As for the "duhs" of our role in creating some of the issues in the marriage.. .yup we did, but then again we did not do those things or act that way to hurt our Hs or our marriages... we did them to protect ourselves, we did them out of fear, we did them based on beliefs we had (that perhaps in hindsight did not serve us as well as expected). We did what we knew how to do at that point and time in our life.
The good news is we are becoming more self aware and we can do things differently in the future and even RIGHT NOW.
These are just my musings , I dont know your sitch (will have to go read your thread! ) so if I am a bit long winded I apologize. THese are things I am just starting to accept myself so it helps me to "talk" about them.
Hey, feel free to hangout here any time!
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
NOW I get why H would always say toward the end that he could not be himself with me, that the "going out " part was the "real him". (Drove me NUTS when he would say that!! )
A person needs to be the perfectly human person that they are and still feel safe and accepted.
Or... They need to grow beyond the 'primal' needs. They need to learn that there is much more to them than just 'I need...'
Yes, they SHOULD be able to be safe and accepted for who they are. They should also be able to modify their primal needs to adapt (not suppress, but adapt) their needs to fit their relationships.
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SO, this is an issue I had always had with myself: trying to be strong and perfect and together... afraid to show my "weak" soft side. THese 2 years have shown me that I can be perfectly imperfect and enjoy and accept that. From there I can gently create shifts in my life that I want. (without beating myself or any one else up in the process!)
And, in a healthy relationship, you can SAY these things to your partner without fear of rejection. IF your partner is at the same spiritual and emotional place you are at.
Very often we find that we, as the LBS, move beyond the WAS's ability to grow.
), I do beleive everything happens for a reason.
