Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? DONNA--finding herself #16

We are also high school sweethearts. It is a miracle to marry your fist love and such a heartache to lose them. They truly are your family at this point.

Donna, Your talk with your kids was honest and neccessary. Kids need to know they have to express their stress. Sometime we inadvertantly teach kids to "shut u" or keep the tears in. Your honest approach was ideal. Yo do not know what is going to happen and let them know that. Do they know that you are also waiting for him to come home? Are you still waiting for him to come home?

I am so right there with you. Well, aside from the man I love part :O). You're doing the right thing, the only thing you can do right now: living.

Great job with the kids Donna. I really admire you for handling that so well.

Just back from IC, finishing making dinner, then off again to D's open house. How do single parents do all this? Guess I am going to find out...

Session went well. IC read my copy of Uncoupling and will recommend it to others. She did say that this is not going to be an easy path--and recognizes that it is a path that I don't want at all. She tried to help me with some of the head-above-water stuff coming up, while I learn a whole new way to juggle with one hand behind my back (or sleeping with another woman, whatever...).

She wanted to know how the weekend went, then we talked about the convo with the kids. All looks good. I am still missing H, though...my best friend. I have lost so much. I walk around with the feeling like a part of me is missing. I look over and see that D is playing with a Barbie with the head pulled off--that is how I feel. Something essential is gone...

I just want him to get help. But IC and I agreed that he is not hearing me, and even when he went to his own C, all that ended up was too much empathy and not enough therapy, labeling me narcissistic, and a recommendation for an attorney. She said that even my reaching out to his family and friends would be the only other path, and he is ignoring all of them, as well. Making these decisions even when they ostracize him from anyone who ever meant anything in his life.

She said that she can talk to his parents if they wanted to do some kind of intervention, but that I can't be involved in it at all, or it would be seen as a kind of manipulation.

I don't like this life. I can manage it, I can live it, but I don't have to like it. I miss all that I had. I miss the man who he was. And I wonder if he could ever be the same again.

I used to think I knew the answers before. Now, I have no idea.

--Still heartbroken, but living for me and my kids,
Donna

H emailed me while I was at D's Open House. I guess he figures he can be in the same room with me, but still refuses to call to talk about any of these things.



What the f*ck is wrong with these people?!?

OK, so I resisted getting on the phone with him.

I have no idea what happened today that made his back so sore, since I haven't spoken to him since court. And if he had planned on going and being in the same room as me, couldn't he have either emailed me to let me know, or was just going to show up? And then, when he DIDN'T go to his own D's Open House, he couldn't call or email before-hand, either?!?

I don't WANT to know about him talking with CW! I don't want to know about him setting up playdates between our kids--I don't want it to happen. Is that me just being a vindictive b!tch? Am I out of line to think that this is inappropriate?

"If I don't have a problem with it." And if I do, it just goes to show that he is right and that I am crazy about letting this thing affect the kids.

I need a good response to this--please help!!

Donna

Look at it from your D's point of view , whats best for her , what would / does she want to do ?

Try not to let your own feelings cloud over doing the right thing by your D.

respond to this in the way that you feel is right and nothing else.

Thats my 2c

Dave

Hi Donna,

Agree with Dave - do your best to look at it from your D's point of view.



Well... there's a big gray area there. No you're not being a vindictive b!tch and it totally makes sense that you don't want this to happen. If your D does want to see CW's D... that's a tough one. I've come up with 10 different ideas for replies and I don't really feel good about any of them... so I am hoping someone else will chime in!! But ((((Donna)))) you're doing so well.

Donna,

I suppose that he has discussed this with your daughter and she has said that she wants to see the friend. That would be a manipulative thing to do, so I expect that to be the situation.

It's up to you. If you say anything other than what you want to say, you will feel bad all weekend. If you say no and D already knows, and thinks you are mean, well, people need to learn that they will not always get what they want. It's never too early to learn that. And if she doesn't know, then there are no other ramifications.

I think it's worthwhile saying no and then seeing if he honors your wishes. It gives you some insight into him.

Tough one. Being vindictive is bad. Being protective is good. Really, it is about how you approach it. Since when do we let children decide for themselves anyways? Your H is rationalizing like a child and acting like you do not exist. No, it is not OK for your D to associate with CW. She is your H's mistress. My D6's TH said I should only accept my H's mistress if that is what I want my D6 to accept as an adult. She asked if I accepted that behavior since some women do. I said, "No, but I am waiting for my H to return." TH said that it is OK to wait for him to return but I did not need to expose myself or my D6 to his affairs or his insanity. OK. I have to put my foot down and set up boundaries. Give them an inch, and they take the kids to a party with OW's kids. No.