Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? why don't I listen to my own stories?

We didn't make it out to eat; I heated up leftovers.

I asked why he had said "You!" and he said "It's all good." "I am just corn'fused." He also said something to the effect that he might be back; he doesn't know.

After our lunch, we did retire to the bedroom for a little somethin' and a nice long nap.

Still hard to watch him leave.

careful, there, agent99, careful. sounds like things aren't quite where you want them...honestly I wouldn't be too available. oh hell, I'd probabaly do exactly what you are doing, but just be careful, okay?

is he doing anything (IC?) to help him figure out what is going on in his mind?

Yeah, I hear ya. For the most part I feel like we have made forward progress.

No, he isn't seeing a counselor. He'll tell me that he is "keeping himself busy" and I've said "If you keep yourself so busy, how is it that you are 'thinking about' things?" and he emphatically says that he is.

He had a rough year at work where he was pretty much checked out. I mean, he did his job and all that, but he made some mistakes and was obviously not very committed to it. Last week he told me how he told his manager (during the yearly review) that he was now recommitting and was going to really give it his all. I quipped "I just long for the day that you say that to me". And at first he didn't get it (his brain was still in 'job mode') and then it dawned on him and he said "ya might, rabbit. ya might."

So, that's much better than "I don't want to lead you on." ....right? You are correct in saying that things aren't where I want them to be,though.

Hey, Morgan, I wanted to let you know that I have been watching your sitch. I've kept quiet because I don't think I have any sort of perspective on the matter of sex. But, I will ask this--are condoms being used? I could be playing russian roulette myself in that I have not instigated the use of condoms. I am believing that he hasn't cheated; I know that he has been busy with work, and then he's been with me on the weekends.

Morgan, I know condoms kinda rain on the 'passion parade' and really bring back into focus the reality of the sitch, but since there is a known other woman, are you being careful?

Mmmeh.... was a disappointing weekend.
She was supposed to come over saturday, and do something together with our kids.

She called it off, because she was feeling sick.
Was fairly believable, since it's first week of school, and all three of our children were fighting off one thing or another. One of them threw up saturday

The disappointment was bad enough... but there's also the insecurity of, "was she really sick, or just blowing me off?"
Dunno. Trying to keep a positive attitude, and believe the better scenario.
We had a fairly positive dinner over kid exchange time last night. She did and said a few things that help me believe that she really was glad to see me.

With school starting, she no longer "has to" see me during the week, to exchange children. I've been kinda dreading this. It'll be all school drop-off/pick up stuff. If we dont actively set up stuff to do as a family... we'll see each other only once every 2 weeks.

I offered her a "non-exchange time" playtime/dinner this wednesday. She said she'd have to check her schedule, etc.
I guess her choice about it, will be a pretty good indicator of how things will go from here on.

2x4 for you: (thud)



that's not "quipping". that's relationship nagging.
be aware of what you have been saying to him.

side comment on "my sitch" again... I have this bad feeling that my wife is reading my posts again.

I'm fairly sure she found me posting on a different site, and that lead to all kinds of problems. that's part of the reason I moved over here. (the other reason being, that I think the DB approach might work better for us)

I really like helping people however I can, and also sharing how I feel about my own stuff.
buuuut... i'm feeling like, even though I'm being honest and open about my positive intentions, and non-pressure-y approach to things... she'll still react negatively if she reads it. Not becuase I think i've written anything "bad", but maybe because she'll still feel pressured or something.
Half of me wonders if she's getting cold feet right now because maybe she's been reading me here. sigh.

so, maybe I'll just shut up about me for a while, and stay away from commenting to people who are similar situations to my own.
sigh.

Sweetheart.. if you really are reading this...
Lets just keep doing the positive things together like we've been doing these last few weeks, and see how we feel? If we dont overanalyze things, and Just Do It... then our children enjoy it, I enjoy it, and you seem to enjoy it too.
Let's keep having fun together?
I hope you'll come play wednesday. The children and I would really enjoy it.

yeah. [rubbing back of head, where a rather large goose egg has formed due to a smack from a 2x4 ]

I was just sitting here thinking that there is something sort of ironic about all of this. If we were strangers dating, then I wouldn't have to wonder if it was "okay" for me to contact him, etc. So I sometimes think "gosh, it would be just so much easier to just start over from scratch" but then I wouldn't have exactly what I am trying to save, which is our love, our history, our memories, the familiarity, our vows. Ugh. I can't articulate what I am trying to say.
Let's put it this way-- I had a cooking class scheduled for tomorrow that just got cancelled. (Total bummer because the menu was amazing.) Anyway, I was really torn about whether or not I should tell H. (He knew I had two classes this week.) I finally sent a text that said "Dang it! My cooking class for tomorrow night got cancelled-I'm so bummed!" Earlier I had to text him to let him know a book he was expecting arrived. If we were people getting to know eachother and dating, I would feel perfectly fine sending the TMs. But with him, I had to wonder if it was "ok". He just called a few minutes ago to say "Aww. your class got cancelled, huh? You were supposed to cook that for me. haha" I did invite him over for dinner tomorrow night since my evening was suddenly free and he said he wasn't sure yet; he could tell me tomorrow. Then he said that he wanted to come by later to pick up the book if it was okay with me. (He has a class tonight.)

I am interested to see how that turns out; whether he just pops in to grab the book or if he lingers. Maybe I will get a better sense of why he won't say yes or no about tomorrow. It might be that he is supposed to celebrate his dad's bday. (They were supposed to celebrate tonight, but he forgot he had class.) I'll bet that's what it is. maybe.

See- *that* is exactly what I am talking about. I go thru all these mental girations.

On a happier note, I got the most killer seats for an upcoming concert that we are going to go to; us, plus a couple friends. Initially he hadn't wanted to go to this concert(and I *really* wanted to go) because we've seen the main band several times in the past 5 years. But when it was brought up at the bar the other night, our mutual friend was like "OMG! I am SO there!" (It's guy friend.) So, I said "Am I going to have to go with Friend?!" H was like "Well, if Friend is going, yeah, we can
go." he added that it would be 'going somewhere with friends.' I am really looking forward to this.

Agent99 - you know this but I'm gonna remind you anyway, your H is moved out. He left you. Yeah, he's back and forth a lot, but he left. His every move isn't your concern right now. I know it's so hard but try not to get your hopes so high right now. I was about like you when my H suddenly (to me) went through an additional "detaching" phase and it hurt sooo bad because I was enjoying our small interactions so much.

The more space you can give him now, the better... give him more than he wants or asks for, more than you think he even needs - lots more. Hope you'll trust me on this.

I soo understand where you're coming from, I only smack ya once in awhile because you remind me so much of myself, and I don't want to see you in the sitch I'm in now 6 months from today.

Here are some examples:



WHY is this any of his business or concern??

If it was someone you just met and went to the movies with once, would you have sent this? I doubt it.

I know, it's confusing because the person you told everything to is not the same anymore... but tell someone else!! Tell 20 friends how bummed you are if you have to. Not your H. He does not need to know your every move.

What if you'd been out having fun and busy tomorrow night and LATER he found out your class was canceled? Some good mystery and "Hmmm what's she up to?" there.



I'm gonna call you on this one too. What's the longest you've gone without seeing each other? Is the book THAT urgent that he needed to know the instant it arrived? I doubt it... save it for next time you see him.

I won't pretend any of this is easy. It took me weeks to stop calling H every time he got a piece of mail! But the sooner you can do this the better.



Make this the last invitation you extend for a looooong time. He wasn't sure because it's pressure plus guilt. He's trying to be a good guy - maybe he even wants some Agent99 cooked dinner! - but he also wants to feel separated.



I'm very excited for you about the concert!!

But as with the dinner thing.. please please please stop guilting him into doing stuff with you. Too late now, but just keep it in mind. Every time you do that it's like starting at 0 with the space he needs.

What would have been PERFECT is after the friend said he was "so there" you asked to go with him/his group of people. Your H would surely have known he could say "I'm there too!" if he wanted to.

All that said.. things sound really positive! I'm just trying to help you with some of the spots I tripped and fumbled with.

thanks Nikki.
Regarding the book; he told me it was coming yesterday or today and to let him know when it came (it's for school), so that was legit. I never tell him about any other mail.

I think this the communication thing is especially confusing since we are sleeping together and spending a lot of time together on the weekends. Obviously, if he was just a guy I went to a movie with one time, then I wouldn't have mentioned the cooking class, but we're a bit past that.

Having said that--I understand what you are saying.
It is so F'ING HARD. And with the recent ILYs and tenderness--it makes it REALLY difficult. But, yes. He left. He's moved out. I believe that since he has said that he 'wants to date me' and we've been spending our weekends together, it is sort of assumed that I will be available for him. He wants to get reacquainted/get to know me again. He had done so good with the Harley rental and the Stevie Wonder tix. And suggesting that we go where we had our first date... ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!

(((Agent99)))

I know... I really do. I seriously see my January - April when I read your posts.

Glad the book was legit, I used way too many "excuses" early on.

I think DO go with the good times, but don't pressure, or pursue at all (and especially anything guilt-laden)... and be unavailable at least sometimes.

If you need to, picture him out on dates with other women every night he's NOT with you. Does that make it a little different how you act around him?? (that image did for me.. may or may not work for you).

It's such a fine line, I know... enjoy the good times, but not be "too much."