I think you've struck the nail on the head. That second level of forgiveness, the kind that should be to help free the offender from his own burdens, is only possible when that offender is truly repentant. If the injured party grants forgiveness before the offender repents, then it might be seen rather as enablement of the offense. Contrition is the key.
Late Monday night, I wrote a letter to my W telling her that I forgive her. I worded it to make it perfectly clear that I was forgiving the transgressions but not condoning them, and that I would struggle to continue to forgive her for the continuing injury she is doing to myself, our M and our children.
I even went so far as to say that I forgive the OM, my MIL and all of W's friends and coworkers who have been enabling W's behavior.
I expressed a lot of the sentiments about forgiveness that I have posted here in these forums as well.
Now, I wrote this letter and have filed it away on my computer. It satisfies the first level of forgiveness, because it represents a vow I am making between me and God. The reason I have not yet given the letter to my W, and the reason I am not yet prepared to do so, is because W is far from being repentant of what she has done and is doing. I do not want her to think I am supporting her ongoing behavior -- i.e., being an enabler.
And I think just like the apologies I have offered to H about my part in this rocky stage of our marriage are not believed, I totally agree about the forgiveness thing as well.
Just the other night, H said "Why bother trying to trust me, you'll never trust me again". That statement says a lot. He isn't even ready to be trusted.
That's true, LWB. Trust can be rebuilt. But it takes 2 people, one to trust, and one to be trustworthy. Otherwise it's just like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football.
Sara, I agree. I think the same thing, like why should I try trusting him, when he is still doing things behind my back. It shows his lack of respect for me, knowing these things, how much they hurt, and still doing them.
lwb because with our WAS's their feelings, needs, desires trump ours. Plain and simple my H talks about how he needs to be happy, he was unhappy, blah, blah, blah. Well what about the LBS? We are not granted that same right?
It's not a person that "makes" you happy. Happiness is something you have to find and build in yourself. Relying on someone else for happiness is a big burden, it makes happiness completely conditional. That's very unhealthy.
So obviously the WAS is seeking happiness in an unhealthy manner through reliance on the OP. When you consider the dynamics, the chance of that bubble eventually bursting is pretty high. No one can or should be completely responsible for another's happiness. That's unrealistic. The LBS who had been relying on their spouse for happiness actually has a better chance of becoming healthier and truly happier because they are now forced to find happiness elsewhere. Some will turn to drugs, drinking, replacing spouse with someone else (or plural!!!)... while others will look inside (like with DBing).
It's just like Blues here is saying. He feels like he's coming out of a fog. I think he's finding himself and happiness inside. I think no matter where his life goes he is going to be a little (or a lot) better for this experience.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
That's true, LWB. Trust can be rebuilt. But it takes 2 people, one to trust, and one to be trustworthy. Otherwise it's just like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football.
Gosh, so that's why I've been feeling like such a blockhead.
