Thank you for your support. I was a basket case on here for a long, long time. Today I actually feel good about myself and my situation. I'm much stronger than I used to be, and I like myself better. It will be alright, whether H and I reconcile or not.
If H can continue to move forward, then I think there's hope for him. He was one of the more extreme cases of MLC and I thought he was lost forever.
Only time will tell I guess.
Hang in there, w8ing. There's many wise people on this board and their advice is invaluable.
Wow Val, I hope for your H's sake, he is starting to wake up.
Your H reminds me of mine more than anyone else on this board. For you H, the drugs of choice are booze and OW. For my H his drugs of choice are gambling and OW. Like yours, mine has done the back & forth thing... seemed so sincere, but could not give up OW and lied adn lied and lied to cover it up. Just plain crazy.
Anyway, I am happy to hear about his reaching out to planet Earth.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
It was the first real phone conversation we have had since he left 2+ years ago. He said so much. He broke down several times when the conversation turned serious. Other times, we were sharing funny stories (such as the horrible names I had called him over the past few months!) Somehow those names seemed very funny tonight. We both were crying from laughing so hard.
He talked a lot about how much he loved and missed me and the kids.
He said his family had outcast him. They were harboring the OW tonight because he told them (including her) that I was the only woman he ever loved. They expected him to hate me after the divorce, I guess.
He is leaving to go out of state to work tomorrow because he wants to get away from his family and the OW. He said he felt sorry for OW because she has no other family except his. He said she was a "good kid" and his family all liked her (I could have taken offense to this but let it go). He said many times that he didn't love her, that I was the only woman he ever loved.
I told him that I thought it was good for him to get away, but that I believed the OW would be in his life for a long time since she had no where else to go. He said no, she would have to go because he wanted to be by himself.
He said he wished he was dead for the pain he had caused me and the kids. He thinks it is too late to repair the damage.
He thanked me often for talking to him tonight.
I don't know what this meant tonight. It felt like a breakthrough, but I know how MLCers can turn on a dime.
Gosh darn, but it felt good to talk (and laugh and cry) with my old H tonight.
My H did the same thing in the earlier part of the year and I thought he was hitting bottom then. But only now has he actually done so.
We had our big phone talk last weekend, and he said many of the same things, including the complete confusion about his state of mind over the last 2 years. He can't remember some of the things he said & did.
It sounds like you are moving on and wouldn't reconsider taking him back after the D, is that correct? I do understand that. He has put you through so much.
Just wanted to say, I do know how you feel right now. It's nice that they finally apologize for this, but...
Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, I read your post about H calling you several times. I never expected that my H would be following suit.
H was honest with me for the first time in 2 years tonight. His apologies and sincere remorse counted for a lot. I realized that I still love H, even though I have moved on without him.
I don't think he's completely out of the tunnel yet, although if he follows through with getting OW out of his life and we can communicate like we did tonight, it's possible that we might have a different kind of life together. He broke down, cried and apologized over and over for hurting me. It's hard to say that I could never forgive him. I told him how much his apologies meant to me. Who knows what might happen in the future?
I'm not going to speculate or think that H has turned a corner. As you well know, with MLC nothing is ever certain.
You know Valeria I nver thought of you as a basket case! you always seemed to strong and composed.
oh sure, we all vented. I think that you andHope and I are about the same vintage - maybe my bomb was a little after yours? [early October 05] I am so struck by how we have all moved on and become so much stronger and, I have to say, grown-up. I have so much respect for so many of the people on these boards, and I admit that I like myself too!
My h had a period of sanity in late December early January this year, but disappeared back into MLC fog. I coped much better with the last touch and go, partly because I could see it happening all around me and peole like you and Hopefloats and others dealing with MLC madness with such grace.
The fact that you yelled at your h doesn't count. There are times when we are sorely provoked! Your overall stance was gracious and loving, and I think he knew and sensed that.
I guess we never really know when they hit bottom. In fact, I'm beginning to think they need to hit a series of bottoms before they really bottom out, if that makes sense. I remember YR saying that several times... that she thought her H had hit bottom, but he hadn't.
I though my H hit bottom a few times, but I know that he needs to crash much harder and further for him to really hit bottom.
Your H has a lot of problems. But now he is taking a good hard look at himself. This is painful for him. But once he goes throug this pain, he has the ability to find happiness.
I hope this trip will be good for him.
You're doing great!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS I agree about a series of 'bottoms' It also makes sense when you read the postings on Smurf's Gems of reconciliation thread. The reconnection process isn't staightforward either - and I think they go along together. They get pockets of reality, and attempt to come back, and as they 'hit bottom' a series of times, reality comes in more and more strongly.
I see MLC as, in part, a retreat from an uncomfortable reality - the need to fix themselves, the need to come to terms with mortality, with not being as successful in their careers, as parents, etc etc.
I also see that we the LBS have a 'crisis' ourselves - of our own identity and our role as parent [often effectively single parenting for a longish period] and our role in our relationships. We also have to face an uncomfortable reality, largely not of our own making, but that doesn't mean we don't have to deal with the situation as it is, and not as we would like it to be!
I tried not to get caught up in the moment last night. Hard lessons have taught me to use lots of caution when dealing with H. Today he might be back with OW and forget that he even called me last night (not likely, but ..)
Other things come to mind this morning that he said: He tried to get me to drive to his house last night so that he could just "hold" me again.
At one point he asked me if I was involved with anyone else. He was on his cell phone and it was just that moment that our connection was dropped so I didn't have to answer. (Between us, I haven't even thought about dating again .. but H doesn't have to know that!) H called right back, but didn't ask the question again.
Angelica, hindsight, my H liked it when I showed spunk and anger toward him. I suppressed my natural inclination to fight back for a long time because I thought that patience and understanding (recommended for normal MLC) would work. But H followed a different script. Instead of appreciating my patience with him, he disrespected me for it. His mom is a very weak woman and never stood up for herself, so that might be the reason.
He told me last night that he admired me for finally standing up and knocking him down (in court). Instead of being angry about the awful names I called him recently, he secretly respected me for it. That's why he was laughing about the colorful adjectives I had been hurling at him lately. He liked it. Go figure.
I'm putting our conversation of last night on the back burner. I'm not going to dwell on it. If H continues to move forward and continues to show respect and honesty to me, then there is a good chance that we can slowly begin a new, different type of relationship. If not, then I'll continue on the new path that I've already begun.
His call gave me a sense of closure last night, though, and I will take that with me whichever way I go.
