Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now I've done it

I feel like an addict going through withdrawals. Its been 3days now. I don't expect him to call on a weekend. Maybe tomorrow while she is at work.

This no contact is definitely out of my comfort zone. I better get used to it though, because I'm beginning to think I may not have a chance at fixing this.

This is my reasoning. He has know OW for 3 years now, me 5. Not much difference, right? Yes, I have his kids. Maybe he really is in love with her. Maybe she is the better person--a fellow teacher that shares all of his passions. I thought I did too, but he has said I didn't.

When we got together, he was living with someone. He said they had broken up and he was sleeping on the couch. Now I wonder if she knew this. He would tell me she would question him and get upset about him coming to see me (This is when he used to call me 20 times a day. Well, not quite). Am I on the other receiving end? Is this what he told OW? Is this just a pattern? I don't think he tried to hide me then. He would say how unhappy he was, how she had issues and didn't respect him. Sounds familiar. His mother had just died of cancer.

MKultra has a very similar situation. She's been dealing with this for months with no improvement, and she's been handling it so much better than I, as far as DBing goes.

Guess I'm just feeling crappy today. Don't know what happened to the life coursing through my veins from yesterday.

I'm going on an outing to try to get out of this funk. Maybe I'll dye my hair.

I just re-read my post from this AM. I feel a little better.

I probably sound manic. Sorry, guys. It's just one of those days.

it does get easier, nehpartitit, the no contact stuff. make sure you are are actively GAL, too, because that is what really helps.

and trust me, we all get manic around here at times.

haha I just covered my grey yesterday. Everywhere I go I get compliments now. I am a mousy kind of teacher. Ugly Betty is my look alike hero. I never paid much attention to my looks because I had a cute devoted H at home who loved me au naturale! What a blow to the old self esteem. Now I feel like I am back on the market. It feels so weird to get noticed by dudes. I have never worn a wedding ring but now I am really self conscious about looking like a single mom at 37. My coworkers ask, "Did your H notice you lost weight or does he like her new hair?" I say he has not noticed, you know men.

mk, I'll bet he has noticed...probably makes him feel worse, looking at you.

Its funny, I'm putting way more effort into myself, too. I got a bit sahm-sloppy, and I take more effort in my dress. still casual, but better. H definitely notices.

Yup, I have let myself go a bit in the past years. No more. For myself, I want to look and feel better. And if H noticed (he did a double take when I came down the stairs dressed to go out), then so be it.

He was in town today apparently. Took $100.00 out the the ATM nearby. That's his biggest withdrawal to date, besides the phone and glasses. Wonder what he's up to... He's here often, but never comes by or calls. I figured it was because he goes to the school while she's working, but it's the weekend...

Our S2 was asking about him constantly today. Call Papa? Time to get Papa? Papa coming home? Wait for Papa? My heart is breaking for him.

I bought the dye, but haven't done it yet (fiery red). I'm tapping into my Pele power. Dudes don't dare mess with her. I'm a Tori Amos fan. In one of the songs from her Boys for Pele album, she says

"Building tumbling down
didn't know our love was
so small
couldn't stand at all

Boys on my left side
Boys on my right side
Boys in the middle
but your not here
I need a big loan
from the girl zone..." (Caught a Light Sneeze)

About being back on the market, I've had some invites but feel like I'm... cheating. These are from old "friends". I know I don't want anything beyond friendly companionship, but, under the circumstances, I feel I'm better off not even going there.

Where do you guys draw the line? Obviously, our H's have company, but two wrongs don't make a right. Right? Even a platonic outing could possibly complicate things and be turned around to make me look bad. I could use the boost in my self esteem, though. It's probably not the best place to go looking for that boost.

H has only been gone a few weeks. I'll GAL with the girls for now. I'm supposed to go see my SIL (brother's wife) tonight.

I feel like I'm rambling. Thanks for the support, Ladies. Y'all are the bomb!

wow, nothing worse than the kids asking for him, is there? we do lots of things for daddy...draw him pictures and such. but its heartbreaking because you can't just give him papa like you want to. we didn't ask for this altered life for us, and certainly not for our children.

I've been in the dark for 4 days now. I'm screening my phone calls. I did send a pic of our S2 on Sat and a pic of our D yesterday via cell phone. No message attached.

Guess I'm just waiting. I'm going to take Morgan's lead and work on making my home a great place to be for myself and the kids. It's been almost 2 weeks since we moved and I'm still not done putting things away.

I'm going back to WIC again today also.

I know this is paranoa, but I'm anticipating their next move, as if they are conspiring against me. I know I haven't done anything to threaten her, but H has said in the past, after I left a message on the phone number to please call and give an explanation as to why it was all over my phone bill, that she was going to get a restraining order on me for harrassment. OK, yeah right. However, now that I showed up at the school, I'm wonderinf if she's going to say I threatened her in some way, even though I didn't even approach her. Just expecting the worst, I guess.

If they serve me, should I counter serve him? I have a restraining order sitting here for him. I just decided it would not bring us any closer to reconciling. However, if they try to make me look like crazy psycho dangerous woman, maybe I have to protect myself?

Any thoughts?

5 days. This is the longest yet. I'm feeling a little anxious. I'm definitely out of my comfort zone here. I still have lots to do, so I'm going to try to stay busy.

I did get WIC. At first I felt relieved and in control. That quickly went to me feeling angry that I am in a position that I have to go and get WIC. Meanwhile, he's taking $100.00 withdrawals every other day for who knows what. He doesn't even know what's going on here. We could all be on our death beds and he would have no idea. Here's what's ticking me off. I took 1/3 of his paycheck. That's to take care of four people. He gets the other 2/3 just for him. He's living it up, eating out, playing, and I'm wondering how I'm going to buy my S2 new shoes.

He is also driving around in the new minivan we bought for the KIDS. Meanwhile, the three kids are crammed in the back of my Saturn, no A/C, no tinted windows (only 2 go down), no breathing room. If I mention any of this, I get the same response. I am selfish. I am using the kids to control him. He needs to take care of himself right now.

I just want to shake him and say "WAKE UP!"

Sorry, feeling crabby and angry.