Wow, J, I have been dying to hear how you were doing up there in the frozen north, well soon to be frozen, anyway. I have been reading what you have said about getting more respect from H. I have started saying something to him now when he does something mean or disrespectful to me, and he seems to be responding in a positive way. If he does something I will say now why did you say that? or do that? he will sometimes either back down or say he didn't mean it like it sounded. I have gotten to where if I don't really feel like even being in the same room as him, I won't stay.
He has gotten to where he is doing some kinda sweet stuff, like calling the other day, and I wasn't home, and he left a song on the answering maching, and this morning he kept flashing the lights on his car at me as he left for work. So, I don't know what is up with that.
Well, about your sitch, I'm glad your H recognizes what is happening, and remember the best "I told you so" is sometimes not saying it at all. And in case, I hope you kept the CA house.
hey JAK, My H won't talk anymore, either. I guess he feels I know enough. I wonder about the being strung along thing, too. I hate that my thoughts go towards the negative so much, when I hate the feeling, and I really don't know what my H has in mind. I don't know how to stop the thoughts besides the BIG RED STOP SIGN. It gives me a headache. I guess I am just in a mood, too, JAK.
heck no I didn't sell the CA house, thank God! There are many adjustments being made here as h has to get used to having d10 and I around and not always wanting to join him in hunting/archery whatever, etc. He's trying to relax and not be so controlling and I am calling him on it, with as much humor as possible. It helps.
H seems a bit depressed to me. And in a rush to cram in so many experiences I wonder if he senses the time here is limited...but I don't know. I cannot tell yet, and when he returned from having a "partnership" discussion yesterday with the Chief of Staff, he didn't seem to want to talk. You are sooo right about NOT saying "I told you so". But I gotta say, when H "noticed" some problems with the contract he MAY have signed (doesn't really know...????wth???) I had to bite my tongue. He "noticed" about 5 things and EACH and every one of them were things I brought up over a year ago. I felt like I was hearing an Alzheimer's patient talking, you know? Geez, but anyhow...I am starting the job this week. I know it does thrill him that I'm earning "real" money again. That annoys me, for reasons you understand. But I also concede that regardless of whether he's "right" to feel that way, he does feel that I should contribute more financially and he doesn't see how his long hours contributed to the need for A parent to be home...so, here we go. Also, fyi, it feels kind of good to earn "my own" money too. Thank God I am too. With H's contract as it is, who the heck knows what he'll make? We NEED my income and that scares me to tell you the truth. But at least we can afford Loyola University for d18 and it comes right out of my pay. I feel good about that. I always told d18 to go where she wanted (she is paying 1/4) and that'd we'd figure a way to pay it. And I kept my word. I cried A LOT when I left her back there in sunny CA to start college, and got on the plane here...where'd the time go? Did I spend enough with her? Does she know enough about the world to make good choices? Does she know what a great young woman she is, and that she deserves respect and love? God, I pray she does.
A moose was at d10's school the other day on the playground. The janitor chased it off with his SUV. A neighbor told me that a grizzly bear killed a moose calf last year...on OUR STREET!! Like it was interesting....the neighbor FILMED it....geez, I'd have shot the thing or tried to help the calf or whatever. OF course, I might be dead too.
H wanted to go hunting and made vague references to getting a motorhome for comfort, etc. I agreed and said it'd be much better to have a motorhome b/c my days of tents and sleeping bags in bear country are over. Finally h mentions that he wants to go TODAY and that it's a 12 hour drive north, blah blah blah....ummm no thanks. I told him I like getting the FULL story up front. No hints, inquiries, etc. Just talk it all out!
ANyhow, gotta get my nails done and pick out something professional looking for the job. First time in years I've gone to a real office. I need my costume and props.. take care VC, and let me know how it's going. Can you tell me 2 or 3 good things going on with your h? If not, that's okay. Could be your mood.
I do believe that comment about behavior/actions leading to emotions being felt, is true. IOW, instead of waiting to "feel the emotion" and THEN act on it, if we engage in a behavior (like extra consideration/courtesy/positive feedback, affection, etc.) it can lead us to feel a particular emotion. Actors use this technique and now therapists are putting more emphasis on it. Seems like a theme in DBIng too. Could also lead to changes in the R, and who knows what else? Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
[/quote] I do believe that comment about behavior/actions leading to emotions being felt, is true. IOW, instead of waiting to "feel the emotion" and THEN act on it, if we engage in a behavior (like extra consideration/courtesy/positive feedback, affection, etc.) it can lead us to feel a particular emotion. Actors use this technique and now therapists are putting more emphasis on it. Seems like a theme in DBIng too. Could also lead to changes in the R, and who knows what else? Good luck,[quote]
J, This sounds Good. I do try this but sometimes it just doesn't work. I will go a few days and it will be great then have a few bad days. I am trying to detach more and be more positive about my sitch and life in general.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
do you have an original thread here? I'll go check it out, although your signature says a lot. With all the years invested, I am loathe to advise anyone to give up and especially with so many positives in your sitch. I know, I know, it's HARD to see the positives when your life partner says crap about not knowing how he feels, makes choices that are blatantly NOT putting you or the M first, etc. But, he is still at home, he is not (apparently, from what I know so far of your sitch) lashing out with a lot of venom and in fact, says it IS HIM, and not you. Even says MLC stuff. That's a hell of a lot better than what the majority of us on this bb get to hear. Granted, I didn't have to deal with OW (as far as I know, and frankly, I'm not digging at this point b/c if there was an OW, she is in the past and I'm here now, etc etc) but I doubt it anyhow. So that's a huge monkey Not on my back and seems you aren't dealing with that either, so far. What IS your h doing to "fix" things?
I'll try to find your thread. In the meantime, you know the scoop about getting a life, and being "a woman only a fool would leave" etc. God knows I've posted it around here a bunch b/c it's what my DB coach told me a year ago (16 months to be exact) and I know it helped.
Like VC said, saying "I told you so" is a bad idea and sometimes not saying it is really hard. Point is, that these guys, and some WAW's too, have some weird internal puzzle that only they can solve. And it's as if we know the answers to the crossword and want them to hurry up and fill in the spaces with the obviously correct (obvious to us that is) answers....but this puzzle is THEIRS to complete and when we stand over their shoulders whispering the answers to them, they are NOT helped and our M's are not helped....we just have to back off and hope to God they figure it out. Likewise, I'm holding my breath as my h SEEMS to be finding that thngs are not perfect here. My need for specifics about income, accounts receivables, liability issues galore, etc. is not irrational. It' isn't about ME hating Alaska...even if it is partly true, I am right to be concerned. Frankly, it was H's insistence and his obsession with living here, which he has harbored for several years now, that caused all this havoc and almost ruined our M....now that I've joined him with d10 and things are not all peachy keen or as h said, (crazily and repeatedly) "a gold rush up there" I have to step back and shut up. (OMG talk about MLC...geez, it's like they have a text book with crazy chapters they pick and live out) ...but I still worry that he'll find some thread of hope to hang onto to stay here. I DO have one move left in me, to leave here. But not just to go pick up and go anywhere again....
I have changed. I no longer am willing to follow his career opportunity wherever it may take US.... We were miliitary and moved 8 times now....that's enough.
Back to you, have you gotten a session with a db coach? I had a mc, and also used him as an ic too. He helped a lot. But I also signed on with some DB sessions and although I really like my mc, if I had to pick only one thing or person to talk to or do, it'd be the DB coaching. I had Vernetta and 3 sessions ("package deal") with her cost a little bit less than 3 sessions with a therapist, in the LA area at least....check it out if you can. Take care, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, I have been sick with a stomach bug or something for a couple of days. It went from bad to worse in just a few minutes. I started getting dizzy, and then got so dizzy, I couldn't walk, then started throwing up. Lovely way to spend Labor Day when H and S were cooking out. I had to go lie down while they enjoyed all the food.
Hey JAK, I guess we have the same sort of thing going on, it will go really well for a few days then a day of not-so-good. I don't know what I do or say sometimes that will put H in a bad mood, but sometimes I just go away and let him figure it out. What is a typical evening like in your house?
You know, J, the thing about them not putting us or the M first, I wonder if they ever have a moment of clarity where they realize that they really are not putting into it what they want to get out of it. And in that moment what do they tell themselves?
I am sorry to hear of grizzlies and moose in your street. Sounds like you moved into Wild Kingdom there. Does it make you want to listen closely to hear if they have a narrator nearby telling the story for Disney Channel? Other than that, what's it like there? Has your D started school yet? I hope she doesn't walk home. Gosh, here we worry about thugs, you got real animals to worry about.
You know, if my H is experiencing a MLC, and I do think he is, I hope it does end soon. The other day we were sitting at the table, H, S, and I, and H was telling about an officer who will tell prostitutes that he won't arrest them if they have sex with him. H was expressing his feelings about this, and said And He's MARRIED!!! I couldn't say anything, and our S kicked me under the table. I mean, WHAT??!! Is it somehow different for him? After a few seconds, I sort of steered the subject on to something else. Did he not know what he was saying? I wanted to say And So Are YOU!!!
I was in the MLC forum and moved to infidelity only because my sitch truly didn't seem as bad as most and got much more respose in the infidelity forum. I am now in piecing forum.
I do think that there is no more EA/OW but, i do think H is still depressed to a point about that.
I know he is trying in his own way to get through this and that is why I have not brought up R talk. But H is not a talker so I will have to bring it up soon and let him know what I want out of this marriage for it to work.
H was never mean to me verbally but just very diconnected from the marraige. He wouldn't talk to me do anything with me, just treated me like i wasn't there. Looked miserable all the time depressed and so on. I waited almost a year before i even said anything to him. DB'd kind of without knowing what DBing was. I then found all of you.
I am starting to find out how hard iot is to piece. You need to still GAL and still try to reconnect. You should be able to talk R but, you still worry about pushing them the other way.
I did one session with DB coach but it is expensive for me and to do it without H knowing is hard but, might do another. I did see a very good C who is solution oriented, and lets me still call her when I need to just to talk.
"I told you so" Not a good thing. WHat is it they say? better to be happy and wrong than right and unhappy.
I wouldn't want to move again either if i was you. I understand though what you are saying. You do need to be happy for you. Do what you need to to be happy. IF H wants to fine but you will either way if you decide you want to.
VC Hope you are better. I looked for you on my E-mail yesterday.
How's your PMA today? Mine is still up but H seems a little distant this morn. It's so crazy how aware I am about that now. Or how much I just might think he is(he might be just fine).
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Hey JAK, I sent you an email a while ago. I do think we can tell when they are distant, I know I can. It's funny but just a little difference we can tell. Like this morning, I though my H seemed kinda sweet, he said he slept so well when I got up to make coffee, and covered him up with the covers I had already warmed up. Then he leaned over and put his head on my shoulder for a moment. And last night he came home in a great mood, and was nice to me all evening. I hope this continues this evening, too, but he is working a football game for extra pay, and I hope he isn't too frustrated with that. My PMA is okay today; I feel pretty hopeful today.
I am feeling lots better, but kinda weak, and still a little nauseaous, but better, and thank God no more awful dizziness. It's hard after being sick to get back to feeling 100% for me for some reason. It's like it plays havoc with my immune system. If I knew of some vitamins or something.
Oh well, it happens.
Now, I am watching Little Women until time to go pick up S from school. I always loved that old movie.
Hey J, I hope the grizzlies stay away today, and the moose, too.
Wow, I just got something rare!!! An I Love You from my H. It was totally unexpected, I had called him earlier to see if he needed anything from the drug store, and he missed my call, and called after I left. When I got back, I called him to tell him why I had called and he was in a hurry with an arrest, and we only spoke a few minutes, and we were saying bye, and he said ILY! There that oughta do me for awhile. It does make me want to cry a little, though.
