Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives WAW1978-Part 4

Just back from a bit of a break. I want to thank you all for you imput on my sitch.

I needed to just step back and re-assess everything that was going on in my life.

Journaling:
Spent all last week with my D4 since H was on vacation. I really enjoyed the time with her and we did some really fun things together. I think we both needed that extra bonding since this separation we haven't really gotten enough of that.

I realized that my most recent hurts were coming from my mourning the marriage that I could have had. Woulda coulda shoulda...I just got so caught up in that. I realized that our marital problems stared before we got married. He and I have been in this cycle for so long that its easy to how neither of us recognized the long term damage it was causing. I have really been trying to let go of the anger and resentment and forgive him for his behaviors. I allowed the behaviors therefore he had no idea that it was unacceptable and how much he was hurting me.

So this past week I mourned what we could have had. I mourned the good times that we did have and cried for what is lost to us now.

In my opinion this separation is a time for each of us to grow and become better people. I need to not be a push over and he needs to deal with whatever issues cause him to bully & control me. This is going to happen to us no matter who we are in relationships with.

I am going to stop thinking about what he is thinking cause i have no way of knowing unless he tells me. Which isn't much so why bother on speculation. Jusr drives me nuts.

Ironically he came home from his fabulous vacation which he had to tell me how great of a time he had (good he's GAL and acting as-if). But he also thought that when he came home I would want to move back and that it was enough time away for me to miss him. He spoke this so its not an assumption in any way. Left on a bad note since he was so put off that this isn't how things played out.

Can anyone or any WAS tell me how they worked back to a relationship with the LBS? After the borderline abuse and physical rejection I no longer have any attraction to the man. I keep thinking how do I build a relationship with someone I am clearly no longer attracted to? And how much of this should I bring up in MC? We are going again next week after a month break. I just don't know how to proceed. I don't want a divorce but I can't see myself with him at this time.

Waw,

Great question, my W is in the same place I believe. I really hope someone responds to the above. Sandi???

Thanks,

Atlas

I am an LBS, but I think the attraction can regain strength. Unfortunately your H has to come to a place where he relizes why he is about to lose you and make changes for himself. He has to trust you and you both need to spend good times together having fun, but if H does not make the changes then I see it very difficult.
You are an extremely patient and caring person, by taking the lead H may just come around to the point of wanting to do for you without controling, etc.

Yeah just when I thought things were settling down.

He has the separation talk, without me, with our daughter. I guess it didn't go very well. But who knows since I was not present. Can I officially call him a donkey now?

Oh, WAW, I think it would've been OK to call him a donkey for a while now. Your 4 year old isn't liable to remember his little talk, but that's tremendously insensitive to you and to your daughter.

I think your feelings can grow for your H again, but he's going to need to do some growing as well. Sounds like he's still hurt and in his shell and trying to control the situation. I think you've been clear with him regarding your feelings and that you still want the marriage to succeed. What it's going to take for him to believe that message, short of you coming home with your tail between your legs (not a good thing for anyone involved) -- I have no idea.

Stay patient, bring back the boob shirts (for all men, please, bosoms are an absolute good in the world), and focus on making yourself stronger. I just can't see any other strategy for you know.

You're still doing family things together right? Dinner once a week or something? Maybe you could host him at your place and trade off? I don't know. It's like he needs some interaction with you to keep up hope, but you've got to manage that situation without giving him false hope that you're on the verge of everything being OK. Maybe hit him with a real 2x4? jk. sort of.

BD

Donkey, I might have used a stonger word. Having this talk with your d is bs.

Hey Guys!

I am bringing the Boob Shirts back...yeah. In the words of the great Justin Timbelake...would be a good Weird Al parody I think.

Yes, he has been quite insensitive as of late. We are still doing "family things" once or twice a week. But its very hard to start seeing him in a different light when he does things like that.

I imagine that the "tail between the legs" is exactly what he's waiting for. Not gonna happen.

Please tell me you're kidding.

On a serious note, has you MC pointed any of this stuff out to your H? What with his parents blowing happy smoke up his buttocks, is anyone injecting any reality into this guy?

Kidding about that JT comment. I am Dead Head! But you can't help to hear that song just about everywhere.

Yes, the MC has pointed out many of these things and how he is just not in touch with the reality of things. MC suggested H goe to IC to work on his issues. He has been 2x in 3 months.

I am sure his parents are at work here. They are the "perfect" family that no one has ever ever gotten a divorce. I can't help but wonder if they are putting something in the Kool-Aid at family functions. Of course I am of a lesser class cause there are divorces and drunks and infidels among us.

Ug. Your H is being an idiot. Any of us LBS would kill to have a WAS willing to repair the M.

I'm glad the JT comment was a joke. I'd hate to have to stop "talking" to you.

Since you're a Deadhead, did you ever get a chance to see Phish in concert? I wanted to, but never had time when they were in the area. Any other similar bands out there now?

BD