"You're finally giving her everything she's asked for, but it's too late." Another line directly from the script. You may find initially, the better you do, the more pissed she will become. Don't be spooked. She may be trying to resist letting you back in. It was all nice and easy when her plan of leaving was clear and clean. You seem to be doing some things right. The seeds of doubt may have been sown. Also, it is possible that the better you do, the more she will shout she is leaving.
"Why would you even love her" could be her trying to project her issues on to you. Or spin the situation to make herself feel better. While killing myself to be a better husband, my wife told me I didn't love her. Another pretty common line to hear.
If your wife wanted sex, be glad she wanted it from you. No matter what the reason, you got some sex...and your wife chose to have sex with you as opposed to anyone else. Maybe she wanted to be close, maybe she just want to get some. Either way, a totally positive sign. I went for six months of listening to my wife say she would rather do a stranger than me. When we finally did have sex, I asked if this meant we were on our way to being better. She said, "no, I was just horny." So your experience is again not unique. There is worst one could endure in this process. Be happy, you got laid!
Very often it seems after sex or after a nice, pleasant, perhaps loving day/experience, they will withdraw for a while. Don't get scared, don't ask, don't push. Act as if all is great in the world.
As I read your post above, it seems you are still challenging her. Asking her if "it was worth it" and pointing out how her stress is chosen. Try to listen and empathize. Try to see things from her point of view. Two ears, one mouth. Listen at least twice as much as you talk. You are not in a position right now to argue your case too much. Better to demonstrate with your actions than try to convince her with words.
What would be in this long letter you are thinking about? What is the purpose of the long letter? Depending on the contents and tone of your letter, it could be seen as pursueing or pressure.
Stick to "finally giving her everything she's asked for", that seems to be working. You're lucky, she talking. Some folks are told there is nothing they could do. You have a target to aim at.
There is totally hope. May the force be with you
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
You're finally giving her everything she's asked for, but it's too late." Another line directly from the script.
I heard all the same lines in your post, as I'm pretty sure most LBS's on this board have.
It's very hard after you've been close & intimate to have it followed up with pushing away & withdrawal, especially when they do it in a way so there will be no mis-understanding that they are not letting you back in.
I can't think of any positives to sending a letter to a WAS, only negatives....could just be me though. When in doubt......as they say, don't is prolly the way to go.
she has informed me not to get her anything materialistic for her birthday...so o.k., I wont...any ideas? she's also coming up with a weekend plan of when she has the kids/I have the kids. Of course, I have them while she's off traveling with her friends living it up. She's trying to kick me out when she wants them. I'd prefer to take them while she's here so she can be by herself and think about it a little. Also, I am considering recommending to her that she leave the house for awhile to really determine what she wants. She's pushing so hard for space. I think it would be good for her to get away from me, her friends, and all the pressure for a bit and look at this on her own. She has agreed to individual counseling, I think this will really help.
As far as a B-Day gift idea get her something personal that she can use to make herself feel better. A gift to a spa or one to get her hair or nails done. My wife told me the same thing about not wanting anything materialistic for her b-day either. I bought her a gift certificate to a spa and now she jokes to me all the time that she thinks her b-day is coming up next week, she wants to go to the spa again. But, that is something she would never purchase or do for herself. Just a thought.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Heard the one about the gifts too. The spa idea is not bad. Is your wife and "acts of service" girl by any chance? You could wash her car or do something like that for her. It sounds unromantic but that is kind of the idea. Romantic or heavy themed gifts are not good now. Something light, or useful might be better.
Tell us some more of this weekend kid sharing plan. The way you are describing it sounds like a seperation agreement. That's not what you are saying is it?
How about taking the kids out some other times? How old are your kids? Does your wife work? I found that taking the kids out for a whole Saturday OR on a weekday, taking the kids out to McDonald's playland as soon as I got home, feeding them there, letting them play and then getting them home, ready and off to bed, made a huge difference in wife's attitude. If your wife is stay at home or is burnt on kids, you might want to try taking them off her hands totally for a night. The silence and decompression of a kidless, husbandless night can work wonders for a mom/wife. If it goes over well, you could make a once a week thing. Only caveat with this is, you don't want to make it like you are trying to win over or take the kids from her to spite her. Hopefully she will get you are trying to give space.
Find a solutions based therapist. Or at least a pro-marriage therapist. There are angry, divorced, abused therapists out there. More than you think there would be. You want to avoid paying $75/hours to a person to help wreck your marriage. Heck, most of us dumb guys can do that for free.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
It sort of sounds like a separation agreement. 'I'll take the kids this weekend, can you be out of town?...you can have them this weekend, etc.
I'm just going to ask her since she's pushing for so much space that I think she should move out for awhile and be by herself, away from everything, and sort out her feelings.
My wife works, but works a bunch out of our home. I could take the kids out to dinner sometime.
I did find out our C is divorced. She told me there was a 'life on the other side'. Nice. We are supposed to go tonight. I dont want to go at all, but I'd like to say a few things about our past week. Not sure if we'll continue after this week. It's not up to our C to figure this out, it's up to my wife to figure herself out.
Could you maybe sleep downstairs or in another room. She is asking for space, try to give it to her.
If you have been clingy, suggesting she leave would be a 180 for sure but "suggesting" she do anything might sound like "telling" and feel like controlling. The controlling cliche you haven't had hurled at you yet I guess. LBSs in their panic can become controlling. Try to avoid doing or saying anything that can be perceived by your wife that way. IMHO, if she wants out that badly, she will decide for herself to go.
Get a new therapist if you can.
I know that sounds like a contradiction but a divorced, female, therapist talking up divorce is not likely to help your cause.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Wife brought home book.....'Ask and it is given'..
any thoughts on this book? dont know much about it, but I think it says you should follow your emotions, but you and effect them with your thoughts...think positively type book.
