Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC Interruptus?

I have been off the bb since last week - for some reason just couldn't handle it.

What is it that I want? I don't really know at this point. I've been so nervous and miserable, and now have reached the point where at least my stomach is not in knots. What I want right now is to detach, which I'm doing, because I'm not certain I can deal with another roller coaster ride.

My sit is not nearly as bad as many here, but I keep wondering if H comes back home, will I spend the rest of my life worrying is he going to run again after another few years of me thinking everything is going well.

H and I have been trading nice TM's and he is still over at the house a lot during the day. We have progressed to emails as of yesterday, so when I'm in a dbing mood I see baby steps.

I'm still waffling because it's easier to deal with the pain and move on. I rememer how difficult it was to db and I'm not sure I have it in me to do it again. I think this time he'll have to convince me if he ever decides he wants to come home.

I'm not making a decision right now, just focusing on me and some improvements that I want to make for myself. So right now dbing and not dbing involve pretty much the same activities.

I'm just glad to be in a functioning, non-crying mode right now.

Hi In4,

Well, I'm sorry you have found yourself back here in db/mlc land AGAIN. Lord, I wouldn't wish this experience once on my worst enemy, much less twice.

I hope you won't think this is callous, but your sitch is really interesting to me. In part because your description of your H and some of his behaviors reminds me of my XH in many ways. And in part because I am so impressed at your response. I really liked your observation that right now, dbing and not dbing looked pretty much like the same thing. I think I needed to hear that, it really rang true.

This was a rambly response, but I'm mostly wishing you a series of good days while this plays itself out, again.

Hugs,
AH

AH,

Thanks for the response and your good wishes. The way I'm feeling now is certainly more comfortable for me. I'm not really sure how I got here - it was a big switch from one day to the next, and maybe tomorrow I'll be back the other way. Or maybe the Zoloft just kicked in.

I'm really going to go for dimness now and focus on me. H knows the way home if he wants.

How is my crazy H like your XH?

Well, for starters, the Mask. Living so close to someone, I almost didn't see it, but the first thing my Dad's girlfriend said after the bomb was how inscrutable my H had seemed to her. Then when I really thought about it, he was. He never gave much away, emotionally.

Also, the little things that your H is doing now, like the computer disc...my XH was hell bent on D from the minute of the bomb, and stayed that way for two solid years till he got his way. But all that time, and still today, he does funny little "caretaker" things for me. Just a couple of weeks ago he got a new cell phone, so he sent home his old car/battery charger for me. I asked S14 if he asked his dad to give it to me and he said no, it was dad's idea. Go figure. About a month before that, he sent S14 home to me with a book on CD that he thought I'd like.

Sorry to ramble on your thread, but I got the impression that your H was doing these little caretaker things for you too. To me, it is so inconsistent.

Take care, and enjoy the dimness.

Hugs.
AH

AH,

Those things are scarily similar. I have also had someone make a similar comment about my H years ago. It's almost as if he's hiding within himself.

The caretaker things are really bizarre because I wouldn't say that he normally does do those type of things for me.

However, H has never used the D word, never stated that he's completely sure or done, or whatever. If anything, he admits he doesn't know for sure what he's doing.

Even though I don't want to be on the roller coaster - I don't really have a choice. My calm of yesterday has slipped away some, and my stomach is churning a little this morning.

I have to do better at stopping the thoughts. I want the calm back I had last night.

Thanks much, and take care of yourself too

So what's with my H. He's comes to the house 2-3 days out of every 5 week days, and it seems that it's real important to him to take out the trash the night before pick up day. The apt is about 20 min away and I don't know what he does here besides check his email. He has new internet service at the apt.

Does he really just come to see the dog?? I believe he is still honoring my request that he come to house only when I'm not home.

I started to get a little stressed earlier and then comes the music of H's daily text message "What happened to the tv? Going to have lunch with my parents tomm I'll say hello."

He'll say hello? HELLO? Earth to H. Why don't you tell them you haven't seen me in almost three weeks? It feels like I'm in a bad play.

I am doing a better job of detaching and staying calm, and I'm able to focus on work more. I am still soothed some by the TM's but I try not to get overly excited - at most they are baby steps, and at worst I'm just thankful he's a nice MLCer.

I have been taking an online anger management course that is helping me focus on myself and get a grip on behaviors that have been causing me grief. It's a great way to also take the focus off H.

Even with my past experience, I have no idea what to make of an H that runs away from home and who also keeps coming back during the day, doesn't tell anyone that he's left, doesn't take much with him other than some clothes, his bicycle, and motorcycle, and after the first week with no communication, now sends a friendly TM once a day.

I'm beginning to think that he just picked up the tail end the MLC that he didn't complete before. Is that possible and does any of this make sense to anyone?

In4Ride,
I honestly don't know how to offer you advice and I really hope others with more experience can do so.
But I wonder, when your H came home, how was it? I mean, did you feel that your H was back...fully back? Did it seem wonderful, going along just fine, or did you feel he wasn't entirely there 100% in the relationship?
I think many of us here, still dealing with this the first time around, are very afraid of it happening a second time. I am sure there was nothing you could do to stop it, but did he just come back too soon the first time?
I am praying for you. How were your test results?

Hope,

When we came back together last time, and it was really more of an in-house separation, it was a lot of piecing with things becoming progressively more normal. I think it probably was another full year befoe I felt we were fully in that trusting mode (at least for me) and H was "in love'. But it's hard to determine how much his recovery affected things.

Strangely enough his recovery reassured me because with all of the medication, I thought he was more open about his feelings.

I have revised my feelings that he was pretending during any of that time - he was just too happy and affectionate, and also so upbeat about future things.

I think now much of our current problem is related to depression on both our parts, my backsliding behavior because of my depression, and H not completing his MLC. We have just had so much stuff thrown at us in the last 3 years:

-H's accident
-My surgery to have salivary gland removed
-H's back surgery and long recovery (out of work full year)
-H convinces Dr to let him return to work and 6 mos later injures himself again (out of work another year)
-My mother passes away
-Menopause
-H is forced to retire
-Retirement benefits not in place - our income cut by about 40% for 3 months
-Company denies disability benenfits
-Beloved dog has to be put down after months of chemotherapy
-H doesn't quite know what to do with himself
-H's parents start needing care-giving and he's doing most of it
-Me dealing with all this and stressful job sends me over the edge and I start losing my sh*t

So, did he come back too soon. I don't think it was too soon, but we became distracted by so much other stuff we didn't examine exactly what we should do to make sure it didn't happen again. I think H would have completed his MLC journey with me to a happy ending if not disrupted. Maybe he still will.

I accept full responsibility for letting myself forget much of what I had learned and letting old patterns of behavior return. Someone should have given me the old 2x4 smack upside the head.