My H had an A that went on for 18 months. After he told me about the A we had a week of hell when everything was up in the air and he couldn't decide what to do. I decided instantly to ML with him. He was a bit cautious to begin with but soon forgot that. We had had a conversation about protection etc before we ML because I had been alarmed as during the A he had been sleeping with OW and me. He promised that he had used protection with OW and I believed him. Part of it I guess was that I wanted to remind him of what he would be losing, part of it was I wanted that closeness and intimacy, part of it was I wanted to put my 'mark' back on him, and part of it was I wanted to tell that HO of a OW that we had ML (just in case she was working on the assumption that he wasn't ML with me anymore). Well it worked. She was gone by the end of the week. Although she maintained it nmade no difference to her that we had ML, the speed with which she contacted my H after I let her H know that my H and I had made L was literally minutes. My H had told me immediately after ML that the sexual side of things with OW wasn't nearly as good as with me. Hah!!!( infact it was absolutely awful).
I wanted to ML with him and I made sure it worked to my advantage. I was lucky in that it never got to the stage where my H left home.
If you want to ML with your H and it doesn't work to your disadvantage then why not? ASLONG AS YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THAT. If it becomes apparent that he is just cake eating and making the best/ enjoying the current situation then stop ML or if it upsets you then stop. But if you want to then why the hell not. He is your H not that b!tch OW's. You do what you feel happy with.
That's just my opinion. I an 16 months post bomb with my H and four kids. My H is more attentive than ever.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
My H had told me immediately after ML that the sexual side of things with OW wasn't nearly as good as with me. Hah!!!( infact it was absolutely awful).
Yes, that's what my H said, too! One night he confessed that their s*x life wasn't very good with her. He keeps going on and on about how much he misses ML w/me, how great our s*x life was, etc. I don't know if *that* part of their relationship has improved, and I'm sure not going to ask.
Funny how quickly things turned around for you after you ML and the OW found out. 18 months is a long time for an A -- how far into the separation did this turnaround happen? Are you back together w/your H now?
OW seems very possessive (ironic, eh?), and she told him the she will NOT SHARE. Hey, guess what, sweetie -- you're sharing him and you have no clue! LOL!
I've decided NOT to ML w/H though, at least not for now. I'm going to keep things platonic and see if he has a change of heart.
I've been very discouraged lately, but your post really brightened my day! Thank you again, Saffie.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” - Matthew 19:6
IF I WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR. I and havings ex with both women I would tell them both the same thing. " Sex with you is a whole lot beter that with the OW. I mean come on. If your husband told you " yea the OW is a whole lot beter than the lousy sex I have with you" would you still have sex with him????
Husband
Last edited by husband; 09/10/0709:07 PM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I'd probably do the same. During my divorce I didn't sleep with anyone, but I did meet and develop a "teen-age crush" on the most gorgeous hunk (imagine Leonardo DiCaprio as a surfer with longer blond hair and a deep sexy voice). Not only was this guy handsome, but he seemed to share a lot of my values and thoughts about things. Anyhow, the last thing I'm going to do is tell my husband that this guy was more attractive (only in some ways) than him... shhhhhh!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I don't think my H was lying about it being better with me. In fact OW's sexual R with her own H was not good and we came to the conclusion it was down to OW. To get really personal about the b!tch - she had no pelvic floor so was real flappy!!! She also wasn't very co-ordinated. Being butt ugly probably didn't help - oh but don't let me forget - she had a nice smile
You do what you think is right. If it is better with you and you want to ML then use it to your advantage.
By the way - my H never actually left. He nearly did but actually ML stopped him.We have been 'back to normal' as much as one can be, since late July 2006.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
If I may put in my two cents: We continued to ML after I found out about my H's A. At first, it was because we were going to reconcile. Then, it was a way to feel close to him. I also had a DB coach recommend what ROOT pointed out in Michele's article - that ML was a way to connect with my H.
Key points to consider are whether there are other signs that your H is moving toward you. In my sitch, we were/are still living together and there were other positives. HOWEVER, we also got to the point where things weren't changing and my H wasn't making a decision one way or another. So, I guess my point is that in some situations it can be a good thing but you must be open to cutting your H off if it doesn't seem to be bringing him closer to you.
