Boy can I relate. I often wanted sex and my husband didn't. He told me that he wasn't a typical guy, that he had to feel love in order to want sex with me...said he had grown up and was no longer a teenager.
Quote: One other thing I think or at least believe is true for my h, and correct me if any of you men think I'm wrong for this general statement.....I think that sex is the way men connect. I think that could be your H's way of being close to you. I know that you need to have another type of closeness and that sex alone won't cut it, but it could be helpful. You can't help but to promote good feelings about someone, when you touch and careess and "get pleasure" It's good for the mind and body.
I agree with this statement...completely...but then believing it makes me angry...h was in love with this woman..had a connection with her..enough so that he considered leaving his wife and kids..to persue a life with her..how then if it is true that men feel close by being physical...can I believe my h when he tells me they did not have a physical r..that they did not kiss...or carss or hold hands...that he only hugged her when she broke down on occasion over her illness????
I want the emotional r...what I always complained about in the past was the lack of a physical r with him (cause there was a major lack!!!) right now though I do want the physical (sexual) I mostly want the emotional...I want him to feel emotionally connected to me..there is no doubt in either of our minds that we are more than capable of fulfilling eachothers sexual needs..but there is more to a r than that.
I don't know it's an issue that has too many issues within it.
suppose I should just take h's advice and not analyze everything.
I wanted to know where his kiss was comming from last night..but I should realize that it was a kiss...and when he's just being horny..he doesn't start with a kiss.. stupid LL!!! I did make up for it this am though (well maybe not enough) when he was leaving he came to give me that obligatory peck on the cheek...I came over and gave him a big hug...hope that let him know.
Quote: LL, I think your h may have been asking you to put your ring back on. He was asking without asking. When he says he hasn't asked you to put it back on because he hasn't found the right time or the right way, sounds to me like he thinks he can't do it the way he thinks you would think is the right time or right way.
I'd like to think your right...but...I can't...I can't accept that he was asking me to put my ring back on because the rest of his conversation was about not being sure if he could be with me as my husband.
he has not been able to find the right time or the right way because he is not sure if it is what he wants or not...actually the reason I am not overly excited about his sudden willingness to go to c..is because he is hoping that there he will find an answer as to whether or not he wants to or can be with me.
had I taken his statment to mean he wanted me to put my rings back on...neither he nor I would be content with that. it really wouldn't mean much to me given his current mindframe...when he's sure that he wants to be with me he will ask and I will put them back on.
of course he doesn't like that I don't wear them..but it doesn't say a lot to me..because he didn't like that I took them off when he left..while he wanted a d..while he was in love with someone else..etc...
the ring wont mean anything to me until there is a meaninful commitment behind it..and right now it's a wishy washy one.
it'd be like someone proposing to someone saying "I'm not sure I want you to be my wife...but will you wear this ring I'm proposing to you with?"
My theory is that very few walk away spouses get to the point where they can conciously make the decision. I think they stay confused, but begin to act as if.
Eventually, enough time goes by and suddenly they wake up one day and realize they are happy again. Not sure when or why, but realize they've already made a decision to stay.
Could you ask him to begin acting as if he's got a crush on you?
Hi LL. Just wanted to tell you I've been thinking of you. I also want to say thank you for all the words of encouragement these past months. You have taught me so much. The big R talk with H on Tuesday proves that we have been right about the Silly Monkee theory. Thank you!!
I wish there was a way I could return the favor. I guess I can leave some love for now. {{{{{{LL}}}}}}
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
my fear... though things seem to be turning a bit...that we will simply end up right back here again. seems to be the pattern...I pull away...h persues..with chit chat etc..affection..it becomes sexual...I keep distant and unsure or uncomfortable with it..once I give in and am comfortable with it..h pulls away...first with the affection...then with the sex..then with the chit chat.
well day 4 of h's seeming to once again try...
I went out last night...was going to go to the movies with w of the friends up here (h's high-school friend) but instead went to the house (the in-laws live there) and played board games with the family..then to the friends side and hung out a bit...(her advice don't give in to the sex) when I was leaving..h started kissing me..really kissing me not just the obligatory peck. I told him I'd be home later (son was still up and dd just going to sleep) he said so I'll see you later too...well I stuck to my guns and left...when I got home at 11 h was asleep on the couch...had been surfing the net at football and weather sites (I do wonder if that's just covering up for something else he's looking at?? but don't know how to tell) h at some time in the wee hours did make it up to the bedroom...and did try to be physical..I was half asleep so didn't notice (wasn't really there?) then got a bit annoyed...so rolled over and just cuddled him..he seemed ok with that..I was after all asleep.
so this am I wake with the kids...make breakfast (pancakes and sausages) have son call h to eat...h comes down ...checks the puter...then sits rather coma like..then eats..goes off to take his shower...kids and I put their laundry away and vaccuum the bedrooms...h get's ready to leave...I get the obligatory peck..tells me he'll call to let me know what's up. (I did mention that I like when he calls me and tells me what he's doing with his day)
I am awful confused...I don't know what to do about the sex issue...I don't want to reject him...don't want to hold it against him...but I don't want to fall into the same trap we've fallen into so many times before..things go great...we both consider the other...getting along...being friends..h persues physically...I reciprocate and then slowly back to the distance???
Vicious cycle LL, not real sure what to do about that. Maybe witholding a little would help, not sure. But something probably needs to stop the cycle. I guess the only thing you can do, is try something, and wait for the results, and if it doesnt work, try something else.
BTW, There are ways to find what you are looking for on your comp, but I dont think I am going to fill you in unless you really really think you should go there. I personally dont think you should
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Hey LL. I understand how you feel about getting back into the same old patterns. I certainly have a fear of this as well. But you know, your H may be confused because you've told him you've wanted him to be more intimate. Now that he's trying, I hope that he won't perceive your distance as rejection...as you have felt yourself in the past (and present). In a healthy M, and I do mean healthy, sex is important. It's also something you want from him.
Do you feel that there has been a shift lately that is different than before? Do you think that having sex with him will really decide whether he's going to go to C or continue to open up to you? It's the whole package, I think, sex just being one of many things.
It's interesting, and I don't know if you've felt this way always, or what, but the last few days you've mentioned wanting him to cuddle and snuggle, hug and kiss without it having to lead somewhere. You want to be intimate without it having to eventually be sexual. Previously, it seemed you've talked about what a libido you seem to have and wish that he'd just make a move...that you feel rejected when you put forth the effort and he didn't want to.
Well, now he's putting forth the effort to have sex. Why this change of heart? Is it possible that now that you've achieved your goal of him pursuing you a bit more, that you've now moved onto the next goal of being able to find intimacy with him through other means? I think maybe you shouldn't overlook the fact that it really does seem to be that he's trying...
Quoting jethro: Previously, it seemed you've talked about what a libido you seem to have and wish that he'd just make a move...that you feel rejected when you put forth the effort and he didn't want to.
Well, now he's putting forth the effort to have sex. Why this change of heart? Is it possible that now that you've achieved your goal of him pursuing you a bit more, that you've now moved onto the next goal of being able to find intimacy with him through other means? I think maybe you shouldn't overlook the fact that it really does seem to be that he's trying...
LL, I was just wondering the same thing, but Jethro put it into words so well. (Thanks Jethro!)
And, what do you think H could do that would put you in that mood now?
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
I guess the thing is because sex has been a problem in our r for far too long..and yes I did have a ridiculous libido..or maybe it wasn't my libido..it was the fact that every other boy/man wanted to be sexual with me..so why didn't my man?? why didn't he make an advance...and why did he reject mine...
yes I do want "sex" I do want cuddling...I want it all!!!
but what I am realizing (and actually realized long ago) that I want more..I want an intimate relationship...and that I don't know if I ever had with h...or maybe I was intimate but he wasn't
I will remind you that I was 16 when I met h..h was 19...I wrote h alot of little cute notes...and also wrote letters and stuff..h has saved every one of them...they are in a bag. when I discovered ow..I spent some time reading them..and realized this r has been on edge since shortly after it began. though some of the notes are mushy and what not..alot of them are me trying to express myself because h either wouldn't let me talk on the phone or left...
I went looking for one I wrote that wasn't angry or mean ..and honestly none of them were...actually they all seem to be me..pathetically bashing myself and the person I am...talking to him like he's some saviour to me...always appologizing..and explaining..I'm sorry I yelled but I wasn't being allowed to talk..anytime I start to say anything you cut me off.
I am realizing that though over the years...I did a lot of yelling...I am not a yeller...I try to talk and h cuts me off...raises his voice slightly..uses a demeaning know it all attitude and I get annoyed...I now stop myself from letting things build but have found myself having to stop him.
honestly looking back..(ya ya whatever waw) this r has sucked for years...many years...actually one of the letters I found was from 1990...uhm hello we met in 89. we've never gotten it right...I've been willing to change...been asking him to let me know how he feels...when he's angry...what bothers him etc...throughout our entire r. reading all these books has not been an enlightenment they have simply been a validation of what I already thought. (sheesh the money I could have made...but who the hell would have listend to a 16 year old girl)
I don't know if h is capable of changing...I've been asking for what I want...for years..in words..in writing...with tears...with anger...with open honesty...with rational..etc..
it's all there...proof in writing..to me it shows I actually have been doing the work...to h it shows...see I never really did love you did I.
I will allow h to make his attempt to change his ways...I do see some small changes but there is a lot of growth that needs to occur in this man...will he grow in my direction or will I simply be the pathetic little girl that stood by his side helping him through life so he can share it with someone else??? will that matter to me in the end...sad to say no...I've been waiting for so long that starting over with someone new would be just the same as what is happening here...yes there is a life..there are some memories of fun and all that stuff...but was there ever an actual mental emotional connection???? I don't think so...I tried to nurture it...tried to build it..but h didn't he just accepted me but never gave himself.
