What ever happened with the appraisal? He said that it would be for everyone's benefit.... did you ever find out what that meant?
Have you dicussed with him that since he knows he is not following through with the discipline/accountability part of parenting that it is for everybodys best interest that you become the custodial parent and he can have liberal visitation. He may have to find a way support her financially.... but better that then setting her up to lose in so many ways eventually if things are left the way they are at present.
It would seem that he is in his own MLC of sorts these days. Please don't take this wrong but you've catered to his need long enough. It's time for Amy to do what is best for her and the kids! Prayerfully, he will see the light.... just as you did.
((((hugs))) out to ya and prayers sent up!
~lost
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
I have had all I intend to watch of that man setting my daughter up to fail in life because he can't belly up and be a friggin MAN.
He's an alchoholic AmyC, he's sick. It's easy to be angry with him, want to beat him with a stick. He likely deserves every bit of a beating, but the true test is to love him anyway. Love him, pray for him, but do not allow him to hurt you or your D anymore.
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He is treating her the way he used to treat me and I saw it with my own two eyes this weekend.
Reality bites! The blessing is that YOU have worked very hard to see through clear eyes. The next test is if you will act with a clear heart.
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I REMEMBER how that felt prior to my own MLC. He hasn't changed AT ALL.
You are right on it AmyC. Maybe he changed a little, but he has'nt shed his most destructive demons. You are right on this, and there's very little doubt.
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My husband will not respond to my faith in him, my hope, my tears, her failures or frustrations or even his own conscience and don't think for one minute it's not killing me realize that because it most certainly is.
It's killing me to AmyC. I'm with you 100%. You've got it analyzed correctly. Your plan sounds right, be the rock for your D, fight the good fight. My only caution is about your anger and resentment. I know it's hard to watch such stupidity, throwing everything away for a drink, or pride, or whatever. But that's not about you AmyC. God has given you clarity, now move forward with courage, strength and faith.
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Thanks, lnf. No, this isn't MLC, this is how my husband has always been, with the exception of the year or so he straightened up completely when I was lost.
As for the appraisal, I only know it came in at $205,000 which is what he had told me he wanted, now he says no, he wanted $217,000. I know exactly what he was doing/thinking in his alcohol impaired head that night and it's all bullshit. He has sunk further since then.
What I said in my previous post regarding filing for visitation etc...is the way I would handle this. Filing outright for custody would be insane considering I have nowhere to put her and sure as hell can't afford to move, EVEN with my recent raise. Further, filing for custody would only serve to alienate my daughter further and with him not thinking right anyway, it would do the same to him. Having precise visitation with my daughter separate from him and having him accountable to the court services unit and the folks that teach the parenting classes is the best way I can find to go.
I can not speak the word custody to him. He perceives it as a threat. He is also of the frame of mind that D11 can decide where she wants to live and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.
He's just like he was before. Drunk with a sh*tload of things to do and not accomplishing one damn thing.
And get this: He told S14 he can have is birthday party there September 22 from 4-9pm. 17 teenagers are gonna be over there.
COG, I keep thinking, this is still like a second chance to fight for him against the alcoholism because I couldn't before because I got lost myself. It's actually like a replay. I didn't stand in the gap before, will I now? Can I? Not if it means sacrificing my daughter anyway, I'll just take her and run.
But there has to be a way to get them BOTH out....
But there has to be a way to get them BOTH out....
You can be a conduit, but ultimately your H has to choose stand. The best thing that WE can do, is to stay healthy, and to be the aroma of Christ. That should be our number 1 priority. Then we'll be the beacon, the rock, the spiritual mentor.
Alanon may help you. My SIL drug me to a 12 step program about a year ago. There were about 25 of us that met once a week for an hour. Everyone made a $1.00 donation per night, plus we bought materials that cost about $10.00. So the total cost was about $22. The donation was optional, and the books are at most libraries, so really it could be ZERO cost. Most of the attendees were women the W's, kid's, or parents of alchoholics. I learned alot about the disease of alchoholism during those 12 meetings, but I learned much more about myself and how to cope. The focus is basically on how we enable the alchoholic, contribute to the problem, and what to do about it.
You've got your head on straight right now AmyC, and your heart is in the right place. You may question that some days, but do not be decieved, you're on solid ground. Why else would you be so tempted to run, attack, and be angry. The enemy is stepping up his game, you have to recognize that.
Put on your armour and fight the good fight!
Love,
COG
PS Yes, you've made mistakes in your past, and some very big one's at that. But do not let those failures cloud your vision of the present. You are on the right path right NOW! Have no fear, have no regret, just keep moving FORWARD with courage, strength, and faith. Let no thought, no emotion, no other human being stand in the way or distract you from your mission.
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Could it be that I have already overcome most of the damage done by my MLC and that's why I am back at what I feel is square one...this is a hypothetical question by the way.
Alot of ground HAS been gained. We HAVE come through a lot. We HAVE had some beautiful interactions. To be right back here facing this beast makes it seem like I've gone nowhere but what if I'm right back here because I have been through all the rest already?
Instead of looking at this like the straw that's about to break this camel's back, I might try looking at it like I'm finally back in the appropriate position to fight what I should have been fighting before my MLC.
I'm looking into Al-Anon and I'm getting myself that counselor, too. And my Pastor. Because we might not be able to counsel a demon but we can damn well bind one. I just can't do it alone...
This is really going to suck... But I do know that ultimately this fight is my husband's. And he did it once before.
I know he can do it again.
The trick is going to be not letting him push me away. I'm not GOING anywhere physically because that would mean walking away from my daughter, which ain't happening. But emotionally...that worries me...
Could it be that I have already overcome most of the damage done by my MLC and that's why I am back at what I feel is square one...this is a hypothetical question by the way.
It might be a hypothetical question, but it makes a lot of sense to me.
I was hoping the drinking would subside as his knee got better. You hadn't mentioned it as much, so I was crossing my fingers. That's one problem I really haven't had to deal with. My father probably tended that way for a while, but never to the point where it was an everday, all the time issue. My wife's father was worse, as I understand it, but got himself straightened out (I think his wife had some 'input' there). Anyway, with everything that he has been dealing with (and causing, for that matter) is sounds to this engineer that you've got a depressed drunk on your hands. So looking for expert help makes a lot of sense. Either issue would be challenging, both together is, hmmmmm, an opportunity! That's what the managers always say, right?
Having your daughter caught in this really changes the timeline that you can accept, too. It seems to me that it forces you to push things, when in an ideal situation a nudge might be more effective. But you can't change that, so I'm sure that you'll do what you need to do for her, and hope he can keep up.
We're all here Amy, even when you get frustrated, mad, and feel defeated. Hang in there, and let us help hold you up!
Could it be that I have already overcome most of the damage done by my MLC and that's why I am back at what I feel is square one...this is a hypothetical question by the way.
Alot of ground HAS been gained. We HAVE come through a lot. We HAVE had some beautiful interactions. To be right back here facing this beast makes it seem like I've gone nowhere but what if I'm right back here because I have been through all the rest already?
Instead of looking at this like the straw that's about to break this camel's back, I might try looking at it like I'm finally back in the appropriate position to fight what I should have been fighting before my MLC.
I'm looking into Al-Anon and I'm getting myself that counselor, too. And my Pastor. Because we might not be able to counsel a demon but we can damn well bind one. I just can't do it alone...
You have come far, and you are now in a better position to help him get out of his hole. He's 'cycling' through the same things I went through.
The fight isn't against 'alcohol' or the invented disease of 'alcoholism'. Alcohol is his crutch, his 'choice' of medicines to take away the hurt. It's an addictive substance for sure but it isn't the 'cause' of his problems as much as it is the choice he makes to 'escape' from them.
Less that 1% of AA members quit drinking. Most people who quit abusing a substance do so without AA or Al-Anon. They do it by deciding they don't want to live in their misery any more, and they get counseling to find out what is REALLY driving the demons inside.
Any 'real' study of substance abuse shows that. Trust me, I know this because I went through it.
I'm not saying "Don't go to AA or Al-Anon". I'm saying REALIZE that there is another problem within him that is being 'treated' with 'alcohol'. Al-Anon is all about stopping the 'enabling' and detaching from the abuser. It's about recovering yourself after living in despair. That's good if you need the support.
Alice Cooper, the musician said this in an interview
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Alcohol to me was really basically medicine. It wasn't fun anymore -- in order to cope with what I was doing with my stage show and a tour that goes on for two years, alcohol was my medicine. I had to somehow come to grips with the fact that I really didn't want that anymore. But it was so much a part of my life that I had to get rid of it.
Some people DO have a tendency towards addiction to alcohol. However, in my experience those who are 'medicating' with alcohol already have a low self esteem and other issues. Labeling them 'alcoholic' and forcing them to go to AA, which preaches 'powerlessness', harms their psyche much more. No man or woman wants to be 'powerless'. I have power over alcohol when I choose not to use it to FEEL BETTER.
It was when I addressed the issues of WHY I needed to drink that I could get the anger out, and get pissed that I WAS allowing this to happen to me.
Of course there are many people (Apparently 1% of alcohol abusers) who DO respond to 'powerlessness' and 'Let go and let God'. And I say it's great that AA can help them. But the statistics and studies show that you MUST address the root cause of the medicating, which will then open the door for addressing the abuse.
The blessing is that YOU have worked very hard to see through clear eyes. The next test is if you will act with a clear heart.
