The other night W and I had a bit of an arguement before she went to bed. About half an hour later she came downstairs crying hysterically. I just held her. She was sobbing for about 20 minutes. She’s sorry for everything she’s done and wants to work on it. She said that we have perfect kids, a great house and great life. We are so close to having everything that we’ve always talked about. She said that she knows she will never find anyone as good as me. She wants to go to a weekend retreat for counseling. She doesn’t understand why she feels the need to wander and is never satisfied. She’s sorry that she keeps testing me and can’t believe how patient I’ve been through this situation. She had a hard time today at her parents without me and kids there. She felt isolated. Her B is not talking to her. Her mom is buying books on how to deal with kids and divorce. She told me about her recent dinner with a good friend. Friend cried when she heard the news about us and confided in W that she too had almost wandered (or did). W asked what made her go back. Friend told her that she had a husband that loved her and great kids. She has dreaded telling the kids about us separating or divorcing. She wants to be able to tell them in the future that we are still together because we persevered the difficult times and came through better for it. We want to work on the future. To have the things that we’ve been talking about. Told her I want to be together again, but that it should be a ‘new’ marriage. She agreed. She told me that she has felt terrible not touching me when she walks by. Not saying ILY when she leaves the house. She hates to see the pain in my eyes when she walks out without a hug and a kiss. Talked for a long time and kissed passionately before going upstairs. Things feel good, but I’m cautiously optimistic.
Fast forward to next day and now W needs have another talk:
W says that her stomach has been in knots all day after the big emotional breakdown last night. Says she doesn't feel as though she's being true to herself if she turns it around like this. Says that the breakdown was the result of feeling pressure from her family the other day. I told her that what she was saying last night were genuine feelings. That there was at least some hope in her mind that things could work out.
She talked some about her IC from about a year ago. She told her that she has always done things so as not to let down other people and never for her own happiness. She sees her decision to leave as a positive step in finding her own happiness and that she also feels as though she's being strong. I tried to validate the things that she was saying. That I could understand how confused she was and that I did think that she was a strong woman.
She brought up the time when I said that I would be willing to move out to an apartment if she committed to working on the relationship. She was saying that maybe that we need the time apart. She is considering getting an apartment. I didn't discourage it.
Have other's here gone through similar situations? Is this typical? Was the strong emotional outpouring a good sign that she really wants to work on things deep down?
She is waffling. She is confused. Try to get her to compromise. OK to move, but still do the weekend retreat. That way she has distance, but can stick her toes in the water and see what might be if she chooses to return to the marriage.
I think you are aware of Retrouvaille, right? http://www.retrouvaille.org. They conduct very helpful marital retreats all over the world. There are several couples from this board going this month and next. See EdieMarie and Limbo's threads. Hopefully they will be talking about their experiences by Monday.
Good luck. You are in the midst of a breakthough. Do take it slowly. She will probably continue to waffle until she does the retreat and feels love for you again. That does very often happen there.
I think various fears are holding her back. She's coming up with reasons to put up shields after she opened herself up to you. Guess you'll just have to wait it out and be patient. I'm bracing for my W's swing the other way. So far last night when I visited the kids she is still being positive so fingers crossed.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
if she wants to move out let her, but dont' you leave, it will be on her to tell the kids why she is leaving, don't make things easy on her. Let her go out and fall on her face, don't come to her rescue, if she wants to do things her own way then she'll have to face the consecuences.
I'm afraid the emotional outpouring comes from a very confused and emotional person who's thinking with her feelings, that's why she recanted the next day. It is hard not to hold on to hope when they break down and say things we want to hear, so you have to take everything she says with a grain of salt.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
if she wants to move out let her, but dont' you leave, it will be on her to tell the kids why she is leaving, don't make things easy on her. Let her go out and fall on her face, don't come to her rescue, if she wants to do things her own way then she'll have to face the consecuences.
I like the advice. I do think she needs to see how uncomfortable and difficult things can be.
Quote:
I'm afraid the emotional outpouring comes from a very confused and emotional person who's thinking with her feelings, that's why she recanted the next day. It is hard not to hold on to hope when they break down and say things we want to hear, so you have to take everything she says with a grain of salt.
That was really the first time in two months that she broke down and said that she was ready to work on things. If felt like such a relief to me and I did get my hopes up that things would really turn around. The things she was saying were so genuine I do believe she feels this way deep down. She just keeps building up the walls to keep then down.
Last night W took a ride to look at a local rental. We were talking about it a bit and I said we should look at our finances first to see what she could afford. She turned it around and suggested we should see what I could afford. ???? Didn't she offer the other night that she would be the one to move out?
Also I asked her again about the friend that had wandered and returned. I had sounded at first as though the friend had made the decision that her family was more important. After asking more questions it now sounds as though the relationship went on for almost two years and it was the OP that broke it off leaving my W's friend broken hearted. Not quite the example I was hoping for.
On good note, I did convince my W to do the questionnaire from the 5 Love Languages book. I was surprised by her classification as Words of Affirmation. I had thought it would be Quality Time as that is what she specifically asked for in the past when we would have R discussions. This gives me something to work with going forward.
This past weekend I went camping / hiking in the Shenandoah Valley, VA with friends. I left Th night and on the way there got a phone call out of the blue from the W. She wanted to know if I had told my uncle about our situation. Told her that I had. That was about the extent of the situation. Got to my friends house at 10:30 and left W a text message that I had gotten there.
At 5AM in the morning I got a message from her telling me to enjoy the weekend and that they would miss me. A few minutes later a message asking when my next counseling session is scheduled. Then a message asking if I could call her.
So I call and she says she can't sleep and has been thinking about our talk this past weekend after she had the emotional breakdown. The next night she said that she thought she wasn't being true to herself and she still wanted to separate. I told her that I thought her emotions that night were genuine and that she really did want to work on the R. So as we talked she said she agreed and wanted to go back to counseling with me. I suggested that we sign up for a Retrouvaille session and she agreed. There is one coming up for October in PA. So I booked it that morning and started the trip to VA. Texted her on the way, but it took a long time to get a reply. Seems like she's already back to a little hesitant.
I'm home now, and waiting to see her and the kids once they get back from the ILs. Hoping things keep moving forward.
Well, it seems like things are progressing normally. One step forward, two back, two forward, one back. hang in there. Even when there is a lot of forward movement and you think you're on an even keel, something will inevitably happen and you'll question everything all over again. I don't have any great advice, I would just suggest that you evaluate when you get positive responses from her and then try to repeat the behavior. I noticed in your post that when you left for the weekend and gave her some space she let you know that she missed you. That's a positive thing. I also think it's great about Retrouvaille. Keep noticing the positives and then repeat your behavior...
You sound a lot better!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
It's a slow process, give her space when you can. Great news about going to Retrouvaille. The weekend will help her clarify her feelings and her thinking. You are on the road, but it's not a straight or a smooth one.
Thanks guys. It's hard not to get too excited about the committments she's making. As much as I would love to just having everything back to normal, I know that she still has doubts in her head and that there will be lot's more work to do if we want to get things worked out better than before.
Some new developments last night. She approached me last night ans asked if I thought she had slept with the OG. Told her I didn't believe that she had. Told her that I knew very little facts about the relationship. Only that they talked more than made me feel comfortable and that they had been to a bar together at least once. That it was more my imagination filling in the gaps.
She tells me that the OG's W has found out lots of details about my W, our R and our family. She's been trying to call my W and actually calls our house. Number doesn't come up on caller ID. I pick up the phone. She tells me her name and suggests we need to talk. I get her # and tell her I'll call her back. My W is okay with me talking to her, so I take dog for a walk and call her. Weird. She says she has some information for me and we talk for a while. Most of what she tells me I already know, with the exception of her telling me that her H just admitted to having been to a hotel with my W. Not sure if this is true. It could be, but I don't know this woman and have no reason to believe her over my W.
Anyhow, I get back to the house and tell my W about the conversation. She again confirms her committment to working the R and tells me that she will stop seeing and talking to the OG. She tells me that she has wanted to put her rings back on. I tell her that she should wait a few days since our anniversary is coming up next week. It could be a bit more symbolic if we did it then.
So things seem good for now. One day at a time right?
