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2moro,

For the last hour or so I have been reflecting on why I can deal with the sit sometimes and at other times I'm paralyzed with hopelessness.

I have decided that it's only when I am optimistic that things will work out and that I have a plan to work with, am I able to focus on positives and myself. When I force myself to face a 'reality' that hasn't happened yet, I have a meltdown.

So delusional or not, and I remember telling myself I was delusional every other day when I was dbing last time, for my own sanity I'm going to be optimistic.

So here are my positives for today:

1. H made contact for the first time since he left a week ago. Contact was friendly and H showed some concern about my well being. I think I was lovingly detached.

2. Although my PMA was down for most of day, I handled a couple of things more calmly at work today than I normally would.

3. My boss said I seemed upset lately and asked - I told him, since he was aware last time. He said he was afraid I was quitting, and that I was most important employee to him. He understands sit, he left his W three times during their M, and they're still together (wacky but together). I have started setting boundaries at work.

4. I didn't start smoking again.

5. Added oil to car, like I've been trying to remember for days.

6. There is no OW, as far as I know, and I'm pretty sure about it.

7. Presume H is lonely because he wanted dog.

8. H was thoughtful while here - took out trash, left out computer disk where I could not miss seeing it.

9. H is not moving more of his belongings over to apt.

10. H seems to not have told family or even his closest friends that he has moved out.

Wow, I feel even better - this is something that I already knew was SO important last time, don't overlook the positives. And how much more you learn when you write it down.

So delusional or not, fool or not, I'm going to do what works for me and lets me get through the day. And I'm sure there will be plenty of people (not you guys of course :)) who will think I'm crazy. So be it.

Struggling again today but trying to raise the PMA. Trying to stop the constant fear and nervousness:

1. Live in the moment
2. I only have to get thru today.
3. Time is my friend
4. Do not initiate
5. Focus on myself

I have to remember that much of DBing goes against my nature to solve problems. I guess this is a test to see if I can really just leave the sit and H alone.

I'm struggling to reach some acceptance. Any suggestions?

Read Isaiah Ch 30 and ch 40. Stay calm and strong in your mind, and try and spend timedong what you most like asmuch as possible - reading, music, cooking, talking to friends. Whatever gives you strength and peace.

Hugs, A

Thanks,

I'm trying but not making it today. I have to get through one more hour of work and then I'm going home to start prep for colonoscopy - is today a bad day or what.

I know what you're saying about OW, and I think there was an EA last time, but I don't think there is one at the moment. But I'm sure I'll be the last to know.

Just got text msg that H is returning dog because there are too many stairs at apt, dog is too old to make it himself and H can't carry him. So, I text him sorry, and that I will be home at 1:00, because I know he'll want to be gone before I get there.

On the positive side at least you'll have it done (colonoscopy). And, you get the dog back!

Hope today goes smoothly

Thanks grace and 2moro,

I'm journaling my way out of the dumps, it helps to be home in more comfortable surroundings, and counting down to drinking yucky stuff. H had already dropped off dog and left when I got home. Also brought in the empty trash can. What is it about the trash with him? Strangely enough, I think this has some real meaning in his alien mind.

I've decided I'm going to wait a couple more days and then I will contact H by phone regarding our insurance and getting therapist for myself. Now that H is retired, I don't have a clue how the different insurance works, and what the procedure is, but my coverage is through him.

I liked the T I saw last time and she was supportive of both helping me and understanding my dbing efforts. H was very supportive and in fact was worried that I didn't have someone to help me, so I'm sure he will be again.

I will be in no mood to talk or 'act as if' the rest of today or tomorrow, so it's convenient to wait to make this call.

Possibly, and I say possibly, I will retract my request that H only come to the house when I'm not here. Given that he's being considerate in general because of guilt or whatever, he may be just trying to honor my request.

Colonoscopy is over, phew what a relief. I couldn't drink all of that crap, but finally decided it was enough because I've hardly eaten anything in days anyway. Started to lose it a little when nurse couldn't put the IV in right, but woke up feeling good. Just went home and napped and read rest of day.

Some new developments in the last two days. I'm still striving for detachment and not trying to get too caught up in it, but I guess they are baby steps.

We have reached a goal - communication from H has started after one complete week of nothing.

Complete transcript -

Monday

H: Can i have Sparky for a couple of days

Me: Yes ru ok

H: Im ok i hope u r too i have sparky bring him back thurs am thxs

Me: Im good give sparky kiss gnight 4 me

Tuesday morning -

H: Im going to take Sparky back today too many stairs here too much lifting Later

Me: Ok sorry didn't work out I will be home at one

H: Do u go for colon test tomorrow

Me: Yes ick

H: Good luck Have fun drinking that stuff

Me: Very funny veery funny

Then late Wednesday -

H: How did it go today R u feeling ok

Me: Feeling good today after test how is vol (hospital volunteer) work coming along

H: Physical for it next week I forgot check 199 for computer from dad 350

Me: I dont understand should i enter in qb

H: No I just could not fig what it was Goodnight Goodnight Sparky

Me: Sparky is giving u big wet one goodnight

OK this feels a lot like high school, but this is the initial contact from H. I think I did a good job - only responded and did not initiate. H does seem to show a little confusion - I don't know why he was telling me about a check he forgot he wrote.

But of course now I have to detach some more and not try to take it to the next level. But..... one of my problems has always been failing to ask for what I want.

So leave it alone or experiment?

What is it that you want?