Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MC - nervous and need advice

Well, after speaking w/DB counselor, she suggested a mediator at this time. I found myself irked over practical issues such as him doing OW's laundry here, getting paint on rug after we had it cleaned, concern w/D1.5's safety around untreated bipolar OW on manic high, concern w/possible financial entanglements w/OW (such as her driving car/I hold bill or he rings up debts that I get stuck paying), and general respect (I don't want OW in house, though I'm not sure if she has been). And also his failure to recognize what CS really needs to be & typically is. He's paying maybe a quarter of what he would have to and I want him to understand that I am being NICE to him.

But the bottom line I want to communicate is that just because I make more money does NOT mean that H gets to be less responsible.

So I looked around to find a counselor/mediator. H seemed to want to go and asked me about it a little, but also seems somewhat indifferent.

My specific concerns are:

-Raising topic of D1.5's safety around OW.
-Destroying the baby steps H has taken.
-Not sure how much of an ultimatum to make this into.
-Fact is, I myself am seriously questioning whether I WANT H back. Yet I have a bit of hope. Do I let this be known? How?

Fact is, I want a LS now. It would a) help me feel more detached and help me continue to GAL b) start showing that I am not going to be a pushover and c) if things wind up as D, I have had the time to prepare for it.

Also, I have some serious questions on whether I would want H back as it is. H is not just MLC--he is an MLC who was out w/OW when I was pregnant and who didn't even want to take off a day of work when D1.5 was born. He continues to treat me and D1.5 as annoyances (not as bad as he WAS, but still).

I am also thinking about H's ability to change and having real doubts. As I said, I see some baby steps but I don't think he is ready to face up to his role in this situation. I feel like I am rushing an MLCer.

On the other hand, he has seen a counselor in the past and actually seemed into the idea of doing something now.

I may have a DB session prior to the MC; I am not sure, but I will try.

I should have really titled the thread "Mediation" rather than MC.

I am approaching it from a standpoint of tackling practical issues via mediation, with the hope that it might lead to other issues that might benefit us.

So it is mediation that I see as prior to LS.

breton,

Since you have a session with DB session before mediation, you should really ask the questions of the DB coach. They are trained. We are not. Too much input here will just confuse the issue. Your questions are sound. Stick with the pros.

IMP

except nothing and anything.

I possed the same question when I had my fist MC session. I went into it not knowing b/c I had not talked with W in a few weeks. Mine did not go as I had hoped, but we did work out some arrangemens about the kids and sharing the house a week at a time.

I also got the spewing crap

Good luck

the problem is I might not have time to talk w/DB counselor prior to appointment so I could use advice or perspective.

In particular, since I am really letting go and really having doubts about M anyway, how to share that??

Like IMP stated your questions are sound, stick to that or let the C lead the session they are after all the professional that you will be paying.

I think it is very important to make sure you are getting what you need from H in terms of financial obligation, child support etc.

Why do you feel the need to be "nice" with regard to that? If he doesn't feel the inconvenience what is his motive for re-thinking his actions.

You and I live in the same state so I know that LS is not usually recommended, but in your case, if it means he has to pony up more in CS then do it.

Don't make life so easy for him. Doing ow's laundry there? Not acceptable.

If you are ready to lay down some pretty firm boundaries with him I'd say now is the time.

Good luck,
A

breton,

I wouldn't share that. This really isn't the venue for that. You have concerns to work out and I would stick to business. You have plenty of practical issues to address. Also, if you bring up doubts about the marriage, it could be thrown in your face at a later date. Believe me, I know.

Baby steps. Do you know what they mean? Are they really baby steps? People used to tell me about my ex's baby steps. They were baby steps away. You can't do business trying to guess what the effect might be on another. You just can't know.

AS you said,
If the other issues come up, then just be open and honest. Don't overthink. You know how you feel. Go with it.

IMP

Yep, Althea. This is business.

"Why do you feel the need to be "nice" with regard to that? If he doesn't feel the inconvenience what is his motive for re-thinking his actions."

I didn't feel the need to be nice so much as I did not realize just how little I was asking. As I said, I have always made more money than H and I was surprised by how much H would have to pay, when I ran numbers on state web site.

As far as the laundry, I have been annoyed but have no way to enforce it. H kind of sneaks it in here as it is.

His big hue and cry: I don't HAVE any money and you have all this money (which, it should be said, does not mean limitless funds, just a nice salary) and you expect ME to pay?