Hope, Your h did give you his blessings, however, I sensed from what you posted that he would understand your moving on it that is what you so desire to do. On the other hand, I sensed that he's trying to find himself and repair the damage to himself right now. Fortunately, he's admitted that he's not capable to have a relationship w/anyone at this time. He knows and is very much aware of the damage that he's created and he's owned up to it thus far.
Hope, I'm going to be honest w/you, the relationship you had w/your h prior the crisis is completely over, but that doesn't mean that you can't rebuild some type of relationship later on down the road. It won't be the same, but you just don't know, it could be better or it could be what it is right now. Cut yourself some slack. You've been at this a long time and it's time now to try to find some inner peace for yourself. If your h truly wants to reconcile w/you at some later date, that's when you will need to be making some very hard decisions. If you feel that you can't do this any longer, then move on, know that you did the best you can and continue on w/a divorce.
The hardest part of his journey is facing him at this time. It's going to be one of true self awareness and when he's completed that part of his journey, he's going to come to you and talk some more. That will be the time to decide if he's grown up, the man in front of you is better or if you feel too much has happened or too long in the process.
I feel for you. It's not been an easy road for you, but yet, you remained a classy lady throughout this journey. Your h doesn't realize what a true jewel you are. I do hope that some day he will recognize what he may have lost.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hope - Your post was long but incredibly well structured, and easy to follow. I think it is like a rollercoaster ride they have to get on and ride out. I get the sense of my h being 'out of control' and driven. He wants to act one way, but is driven to act another.
It is such a mess. But, at least you can talk honestly to each other, which is something you just can't do in the earlier stages.
It does sound like a textbook: all the things we are told are happening seem set out. What we only dimly realise is the DAMAGE.
I have some errands to run...but want very much to respond to your post. None of what he said surprised me...in fact I think much of it is what I have said to you in the past. And it was beautifully said.
I want to add to Angelica's comment about archiving this. We've got the resources thread...basically a mish mash. Then Smruf started Reconciliation Pearls. It would be nice to also have a thread from MLCers...Advice and Notes from the MLCer...those at this point of realization and beyond.
Because some of this is what I tell LBSs in the beginning...but the horse's mouth is much more believable. I only 'know' this stuff from feeling it intuitively...we all need to hear from direct experience. Happy_Again's three threads from March could go in such a file. And then little anecdotes...was it CNMN who posted her husband gave her the key...stop trying to fix us and you will get what you want... So Smurf...if you are reading...
I have my errands, then I want to post to CNMN [sp]. I also have a bunch of lunches to make for work lunches...and I need to do dedicate time to my writing/reading--research. So I may or may not get back today--I sense my post will be long and take time.
I know without a doubt that our relationship pre-crisis is over and done with. We can never get it back. That is what I have been grieving all this time.
As for reconciling at a later date, to be quite honest with you, it may be too late by then. I cannot sit by on the sidelines of life waiting for a "possible" chance with him; one that he may never be healed enough for--even he admits this. I am still young enough that I could have a new life with someone else, should I meet the right person. My H is such a broken man. There are too many "ifs" and "maybes" associated with any reconciliation. And our relationship has been over for so long now, I have lost that in love feeling for him. I am fond of him, and I care, but the passion has died.
It's like Lissett said earlier on her thread, we thought a lot was normal in our marriages; we were settling, but we didn't even realize it then.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope - Your post was long but incredibly well structured, and easy to follow. I think it is like a rollercoaster ride they have to get on and ride out. I get the sense of my h being 'out of control' and driven. He wants to act one way, but is driven to act another.
It is such a mess. But, at least you can talk honestly to each other, which is something you just can't do in the earlier stages.
It does sound like a textbook: all the things we are told are happening seem set out. What we only dimly realise is the DAMAGE.
Angelica
Yes, the damage is tremendous. I have been facing it for 2 years; my H is only now seeing it with clear vision and it's blinding him. He doesn't even know where to start.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, I'm not suggesting that you sit and wait on him. What I did say is that you and your h may have some type of relationship when this is all over with. It could be just friends or something more. You are the only one that can determine that when the time comes. No one knows if you'll still be where you are today, you may have moved on and met someone else or opted to go it alone for a while. None of us knows what the future holds at this time.
Yes, you've been grieving for a long period of time and it's very hard to look back at what you once had and where you are today. A lot of damage was done and I'm sorry to see you in this place.
All I ask is that you be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal. It's been a very long, hurtful journey for you, as well as for everyone that's posting on this forum. I do hope that puppy and kitty are getting along and can bring you a moment or two of pleasure.
Hope, I sincerely do hope that everything turns out okay for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Puppy and kitty are doing very well, thank you. It was nice of you to mention them!
Oh, I know you were not suggesting I sit and wait; didn't mean to imply that at all. I just wanted to express that I do not wish to live the rest of my life alone, on the off-chance that H maybe gets his act together and grows up years from now. That is why I remain open-minded about other possibilities, and I would not turn down a chance for happiness. But...it took me a while to get to that point, too. [new posters: don't try this at home]
I should also mention to our new friends here this this is not the kind of conversation you can plan to have with your husband/wife early on in the crisis. It has to come from them, on their own time, because if you try to force them to talk when they are still running around like aliens, you will only cause more harm to the situation. Trust me; I burned my hand plenty of times.
Thank you, snodderly, for your posts. I appreciate them very much as always.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope - it is odd, early in this we long for them to hit bottom, because we think then it will all 'come right' - and for some it does, but for many it simply underlines the tremendous damage that has been done, and the slow road to possible recovery of sorts.
I really admire you, and your dignity and grace. The fact that your h had you to ring is important. True MLC can be a tragedy of epic proportions, destroying people and their lives.
Hi Hopefloats, Thank you for posting. I was really amazed at the things you wrote for my husband has said almost exactly the same things two months ago.
Similarites were -Being alone. He has told me this a lot of times and in our talk he told me again but explained a bit more about the feeling. -It was not about OW -He feels he is not capable of having a M or a R -He said he had to leave the house and noone could have stopped him to do so
Lately I'm havIng the same thought as you are. About the uncertainty of it all. My DH left in June '06. Up until now i have let him start all the talks, calls, visits etc. I feel the talk we had still had some MLC stuff mixed in there so It might have been a realitypocket but I see more old DH at times and my FIL commented on that aswell today.
Sorry if I'm HJ but liked to share this with you. Sweety, take care!!
He has been depressed for a long while now, but slowly but surely, he is getting to man up, little by little to you.
I am proud of him, proud of him for realizing that he can not be in an R right now.
I am also so happy and proud of you.
Posters get to know you by your posts, but if they ever spoke to you, like I have. And really sense the warmth and special person you are, they would see that your H is crazy to have left someone like you.
Never a bad word from your lips about your H, always so classy and graceful.
I am so very proud of you, for not turning down any chances at happiness that may come your way.
It just boggles my mind what they don't remember.
Gosh Hope, I remember such awful things he used to say to you, when he was with the fakedrwhore.
Just goes to show, that they must block out, the worst things they do, to the person they love the most.
I am not surprised at all by what your FIL said. It just goes to show how these men, really have not been brought up the "right" way.
I am happy that puppy and kitty are doing well. Is kitty, getting used to puppy being home again?
I don't want puffy back, but I will one day wish he would say Lis, I'm sorry for the hell I have put you and the kids through.
Love you Hope.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
