Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I need to know if I should say this : "I know I asked you to keep in touch with me because I was concerned about your safety, you don't have to. It was a ploy to keep in contact with you, and I'm finding that too hard. I can't walk away from our marriage as easy as you, so you don't have to contact me -- if something important comes up I'll contact you. I can't just forget the way I feel, and I don't want to. If you decide you want to give it a try then contact me, ok? Take care"
or do I just let it go and see what happens?
That entire statement is a combination of an apology and a plea for contact.
What do you think you should do?
Did you ever see the Matthew Broderick movie 'War Games'? He hacked into a computer and started a game called 'Global Thermonuclear War' by mistake in the Defense departments computers.
The 'silly' ending was that the computer didn't want to stop the game, and wanted to launch missiles ans such, but 'learned' that nuclear war was a game that couldn't be won by being shown that, if you play tic tac toe, the outcome should always be a draw.
Yeah, silly.
However, there was one very important lesson that I've always remembered from that movie. When it comes to any unwinnable situation, one where the players are both set up to lose, there is one real truth. And that is:
One of the questions you asked was about communication and spending time together. For men, having you there when he 'needs you' is a comfort blanket. Since he is having a full blown affair, we call that 'having your cake and eating it too'.
He has OW, he has you.
You need to show him that he cannot have both. Not by being mean or nasty but by being unavailable to him. Yes, he's in a mess right now but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be held responsible for his actions.
So, you need to 'detach' from him. Stop spending time with him and tell him that you would "prefer not to do xyz because it only hurts YOU because he is having an affair, and you aren't his 'backup plan'."
When he calls, don't answer the first time. Don't return the call right away. Show him what life will be like without you.
Always be pleasant, or at least neutral. Go get a life and NO MORE sex as long as there is OW in the picture.
Realize that the is NOTHING you can do as long as he has OW. She is a symptom of his current emotional state. In these kinds of situations the WAS often chooses someone who is even more messed up than they are. And it will not last.
Sinse my H declared he had Ow he has lost his access to our home. (I keep him on the doorstep.) he no longer has a key, I do not look at him, speak to him (unless it is about our son) or let him talk to me. He has lost his comfort blanket. He has lost his soft place to fall. belive me ... he doesn't like it!
the reason I am doing this is not to be nasty or mean, but just to aid my recovery and to show my son valuable lesson that you cannot treat people badly and expect them to take it.
Nutty Chick.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
One of the questions you asked was about communication and spending time together. For men, having you there when he 'needs you' is a comfort blanket. Since he is having a full blown affair, we call that 'having your cake and eating it too'.
He has OW, he has you.
You need to show him that he cannot have both. Not by being mean or nasty but by being unavailable to him. Yes, he's in a mess right now but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be held responsible for his actions.
So, you need to 'detach' from him. Stop spending time with him and tell him that you would "prefer not to do xyz because it only hurts YOU because he is having an affair, and you aren't his 'backup plan'."
When he calls, don't answer the first time. Don't return the call right away. Show him what life will be like without you.
Always be pleasant, or at least neutral. Go get a life and NO MORE sex as long as there is OW in the picture.
Realize that the is NOTHING you can do as long as he has OW. She is a symptom of his current emotional state. In these kinds of situations the WAS often chooses someone who is even more messed up than they are. And it will not last.
Sinse my H declared he had Ow he has lost his access to our home. (I keep him on the doorstep.) he no longer has a key, I do not look at him, speak to him (unless it is about our son) or let him talk to me. He has lost his comfort blanket. He has lost his soft place to fall. belive me ... he doesn't like it!
the reason I am doing this is not to be nasty or mean, but just to aid my recovery and to show my son valuable lesson that you cannot treat people badly and expect them to take it.
Nutty Chick.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
One of the questions you asked was about communication and spending time together. For men, having you there when he 'needs you' is a comfort blanket. Since he is having a full blown affair, we call that 'having your cake and eating it too'.
He has OW, he has you.
You need to show him that he cannot have both. Not by being mean or nasty but by being unavailable to him. Yes, he's in a mess right now but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be held responsible for his actions.
So, you need to 'detach' from him. Stop spending time with him and tell him that you would "prefer not to do xyz because it only hurts YOU because he is having an affair, and you aren't his 'backup plan'."
When he calls, don't answer the first time. Don't return the call right away. Show him what life will be like without you.
Always be pleasant, or at least neutral. Go get a life and NO MORE sex as long as there is OW in the picture.
Realize that the is NOTHING you can do as long as he has OW. She is a symptom of his current emotional state. In these kinds of situations the WAS often chooses someone who is even more messed up than they are. And it will not last.
Sinse my H declared he had Ow he has lost his access to our home. (I keep him on the doorstep.) he no longer has a key, I do not look at him, speak to him (unless it is about our son) or let him talk to me. He has lost his comfort blanket. He has lost his soft place to fall. belive me ... he doesn't like it!
the reason I am doing this is not to be nasty or mean, but just to aid my recovery and to show my son valuable lesson that you cannot treat people badly and expect them to take it.
Nutty Chick.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
One of the questions you asked was about communication and spending time together. For men, having you there when he 'needs you' is a comfort blanket. Since he is having a full blown affair, we call that 'having your cake and eating it too'.
He has OW, he has you.
You need to show him that he cannot have both. Not by being mean or nasty but by being unavailable to him. Yes, he's in a mess right now but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be held responsible for his actions.
So, you need to 'detach' from him. Stop spending time with him and tell him that you would "prefer not to do xyz because it only hurts YOU because he is having an affair, and you aren't his 'backup plan'."
When he calls, don't answer the first time. Don't return the call right away. Show him what life will be like without you.
Always be pleasant, or at least neutral. Go get a life and NO MORE sex as long as there is OW in the picture.
Realize that the is NOTHING you can do as long as he has OW. She is a symptom of his current emotional state. In these kinds of situations the WAS often chooses someone who is even more messed up than they are. And it will not last.
Sinse my H declared he had Ow he has lost his access to our home. (I keep him on the doorstep.) he no longer has a key, I do not look at him, speak to him (unless it is about our son) or let him talk to me. He has lost his comfort blanket. He has lost his soft place to fall. belive me ... he doesn't like it!
the reason I am doing this is not to be nasty or mean, but just to aid my recovery and to show my son valuable lesson that you cannot treat people badly and expect them to take it.
Nutty Chick.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
One of the questions you asked was about communication and spending time together. For men, having you there when he 'needs you' is a comfort blanket. Since he is having a full blown affair, we call that 'having your cake and eating it too'.
He has OW, he has you.
You need to show him that he cannot have both. Not by being mean or nasty but by being unavailable to him. Yes, he's in a mess right now but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be held responsible for his actions.
So, you need to 'detach' from him. Stop spending time with him and tell him that you would "prefer not to do xyz because it only hurts YOU because he is having an affair, and you aren't his 'backup plan'."
When he calls, don't answer the first time. Don't return the call right away. Show him what life will be like without you.
Always be pleasant, or at least neutral. Go get a life and NO MORE sex as long as there is OW in the picture.
Realize that the is NOTHING you can do as long as he has OW. She is a symptom of his current emotional state. In these kinds of situations the WAS often chooses someone who is even more messed up than they are. And it will not last.
Sinse my H declared he had Ow he has lost his access to our home. (I keep him on the doorstep.) he no longer has a key, I do not look at him, speak to him (unless it is about our son) or let him talk to me. He has lost his comfort blanket. He has lost his soft place to fall. belive me ... he doesn't like it!
the reason I am doing this is not to be nasty or mean, but just to aid my recovery and to show my son valuable lesson that you cannot treat people badly and expect them to take it.
Nutty Chick.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Still confused on the conversation part--he's called me almost every day just to chat, like everyday conversation. Small talk, doens't last real long but very friendly.
He hasn't been mean, rarely angry, but I do notice that he tries to call me and if there's no answer he calls a couple more times (I have been avoiding calls sometimes) and then asks what I had been up to. Do I mention it in general conversation? Do I talk like all is well? Do I fill him in to show him that I am out and about since he wouldn't know it otherwise (OTR driver and rarely home). We make small talk, laugh and kid around...I have no expectations from him. He's been good on finances too. I mean it's almost just as normal....except for OW and his ILUBNILWU crap. Do I just ignore or is it ok to continue as it is? I've read DR, trying to apply , but until I get to talk to the counselor I'd like some advice. I've avoided some calls, he's called more. Which was one of my goals. I've mentioned that I've been "out" and he'll ask where, I don't tell him. He's confusing me so bad. For instance, tells me the talk --then I break down, he hugs me then pulls me to his lap, then we lay on the couch the rest of the night in each others arms. Next day tells me about splitting finances, takes all his clothes. Gives me hugs, and yes we had lots of great sex << I know, I shouldn't have...then leaves, then calls me constantly...talk about confusing.
I've basically given up as far as him coming back, trying to accept what he says (deep inside I hope things work out, but..) I'm tired of hurting, tired of crying, the anguish, and not sleeping. It's half of my life and for him to say he's in love with someone else is too painful for me to think I can wait for over a year or more. I am doing DB'ing but when I read the forums they want to tell me how nasty the WS is and so far he hasn't been. I want my marriage back, I'll stay focused, GAL, pray, DB more, and wait and see. I just don't know how to talk to him.
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
Well, no need to answer my posts. I got the cell bill and although my goal of him calling more often was fulfilled, H was calling OW as much or more. I called up H, told him he neededn't bothering to contact me again, no obligations. I tolo him although I loved him for 25 yrs I am not now going to be a "friend", that I can't do "friends". I said I would be nice, I would be honest but I will move on with my life. He told me that he didn't call out of obligation, he called cuz he wanted to, that he wanted to talk to me and that he will still call me. The connection went bad, end of conversation.
He calls this morning again... H- How was the get together? Me - Fun as always...why are you calling? H- To see how things went. Me- I can't do this anymore....blah blah blah H - I understand. You can call me sometime then? OK? Me - U still going to be here on granddaughters b'day? H- Yes, 3 weeks right? Me- Yes, I'll have any kind of paperwork/bills/ whatever ready for you then ok? H- Now don't be that way. I dont' want anything. Me -I'll see ya then. Bye
So he's got 3 weeks to think..not holding my breath.
Get this --OW is "family orientated" << too funny. Spends months in jail for drugs,got 3 kids (2-3 diff men),lives w/parents, bimbo and SHE'S family orientated? WHO'S FAMILY?? Mine...wants my H. H use to be--maybe that's it, kids grown we're not as needy. Whatever.
Well , no more calls anyway.
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
