Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again What is reasonable and what is not?

I posted a few weeks back about my sitch and now can't find it.

Basically, my exh and I are divorced but still maintained an intimate relationship. I did it in hopes of reconciling and he was going wild, dating other women, hitting bars and bascially acting like a spoiled frat boy. He always said he loved me and made a mistake but never took steps to correct it.

Now, I am 12 weeks pregnant. He took this as a sign of us reconciling and the best thing. He still lives in his own home but comes here when he feels like it. He is very into this child and wants us to go slow. Fine with me.

The problem is he is still maintaing a 'friendship' with this OW. He said they are just friends but I know she still wants more and I think he is still attached. He told me 2 weeks ago that he told her no more contact as he was trying to make this work with us. Well this weekend I found that they are still in contact and rather personal. He sent her a text message asking if she had her kids and that he wanted to see her. I flipped out. I didn't reveal how I knew they were still talking, but I told him I did. He didn't see a problem with talking with her as we have no commitment yet. He tells me he loves me, has sex with me, comes around and says we are going slow, but yet we have no commitment?

I told him I was no longer going to live under those circumstances and if he wanted to live that way I will keep him informed of the details of this child and pregnancy and I wanted to be no part of this anymore. Its fine if he wants OW and other women but I don't have to stand here and just take it and let him come and go as he pleases.He cannot have his cake and eat it too. He told me yesterday he would (once again) stop his friendship with OW. But he has said that before. How do I know its not another lie?

My question is am I being reasonable? He thinks I am trying to control him with this child. I don't feel that. It's more self preservation. If he wants to still go out every weekend and still have contact with OW then I don't want to be around him and be devastated over and over.

What do you all think?

I think you are right telling him what you did. But now you have to stick to your guns and do not let him walk all over you.

In My OP he is having his cake and eating it too. He knows that you will put up with his crap.

You are now divorced and you don't owe him anything except to keep him informed of the child. You are not trying to control him you are making choices for you. You told him he could do what he wants,just not with you and that is not controlling him That is what you said, self preservation for you.

It is now up to him, GO dark except for info that absolutely Has to be talked about and leave thee rest to Him.

JAK

Thank you so much. I feel very strong right now.

He has been texting all morning and is almost stomping his feet like a toddler because he is forced to make a decision and I am not doing this anymore. I know I can make it without him and will not put up with his games.

He thinks I am backing him into a corner but oh well........

Thanks again, and keep the advice coming. I come here when I feel weak.

SO2,

There will be a lot of times when you feel weak. But the best thing you can do right now is live for you and your baby. If he wants this R bad enough he will figure out what choices and changes he needs to make for himself.

Just keep coming here and talking your way through this.

JAK

yes, keep going dark so he knows he can't walk over you

Well, its been a pretty calm few days. He told me once again he is not involved with OW. He does think its unreasonable of me to ask him to not have contact with her as we are just in the 'friends' stage and seeing if we can work together for this child. Yet, he calls me, comes over, and wants to be a part of my life without the commitment.

I just went to his house when he was at work to get a movie I left there. Last weekend when we had our blowup about OW, I had noticed that he had put the pictures of OW's kids back up. That really hurt me and felt like it was a big slap in the face. Well, nothing has changed as this morning the pictures were still there.

I haven't said anything yet, but it really bugs me that I am taken for granted.

SO2,

I think i would have to say very politely that if we are just in the friends stage that "just friends" don't have sex with each other. See what he says to that. I would keep that boundry if I was you IMOP.

JAK

Friends with benefits? :P

I read your sitch. To be honest, your H is not respecting you by having sex with you after D. He is definitely having his cake and eating it.

I agree with other posters, you want to go dark. Look at the situation now. You are D, which means you are not held accountable for what you are doing, you do not need to tell him your life, except for the baby. H is D'ed. He does not need to tell you what he is doing. But currently he is doing whatever he wants, and you are told to sit at home, and have sex with him at his convenience.

He can make a choice. If he is committed enough to come back, he needs to stop seeing OW, and other woman. If he does not want to, that's also his choice (well, he is single now, afterall)

SO2, it is difficult for you in this situation, being pregnant. ExH is the father so there is every reason to go back to him. However, at this stage, I agree with others, you are better off going dark and do things because you are single. You actually can date like your H. (not saying you should). However, i think you may try living life as if you are a single mom, without ex. He is feeling that he can still have you in his life while partying around. He is not respecting you. For the moment, may be it's better to be independent from him so you are not affected by his actions.

Take care, it will be tough with the pregnancy.

Been a long week.....being pregnant and in this limbo turmoil is hard. I am not sleeping well. Not sure if its because of being pregnant or the night time I tend to think alot.

I have gone pretty much dark on him all week. I never contact him and am short and to the point when he contacts me. Not rude, but just keeping it simple. He tends to come around more during the week. Weekends he is usually drinking and doing his own thing.

Wednesday night he sent a text saying he felt like he was having a nervous breakdown and his legs wont stop shaking and asked what to do. I told him to relax and maybe take the med for RLS he has. I never heard from him again that night. He was supposed to show up to my son's (his stepson) football game and never did. He sent a text later saying he couldn't make it. I didn't respond.

Tonight he sends one wondering why I never contact him or call him. Does he forget about last weekend and me telling him he can't have his cake and eat it too? He went on to say that Wednesday he needed to talk and I blew him off. This is what he does.....he turns things on me and pretends he is angry with me. I don't have the OW. I don't party like a frat boy.

Last thing I heard was 'have a good night'. Like he is pouting. I just replied with 'you too'.

This is so incredibly frustrating. We have a child coming and he is playing games like a baby. I try and stand up for myself and he turns the tables. I am sure he is home drinking and thinking I just gave him a reason to call OW.

Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong.