Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis What I know....

Thanks for your post. I have thought a lot about my sitch, and I can honestly say that my marriage was extremely happy. Yes, my h was damaged by a rotten childhood, but not to the extent of being mean to me or the kids. it was more an underlying lack of self esteem, and a tendency to be depressive.

However, I do recognise that I was an enabler, and that we developed a degree of co-dependency.

Yes, my h has turned into his father, but I do see signs that he is SLOWLY working his way through the tunnel. Snails pace, and in some ways stranger than just post bomb. [It is coming up to 2 years now]. For example, he is now recognizing the damage he has caused to his children, and trying to build some real bridges. He has got his own apartment, and is starting to rebuild a life that seemed to go on hold . . . . Will he continue, or get stuck at a point at which he feels comfortable enough? I don't know.

I hope he emerges, because the person he was, was pretty good, and the person he now is seems diminished, from the perspective of most people that know him. Sort of half a man if you know what I mean. But we all have to live our lives in our own skin. I have learnt that much!

A

Hey mamma.

I like you did not have the "happiest marriage"

And when Puff left last Feb of 06, that was not the first time he left.

I just thought that this is the way my "marriage" would be.

So I had a hard time accepting the fact that Puff was in MLC.

I fugured he was just a WAS.

And sometimes I still do.

I mean don't get me wrong, he was wonderful in many ways, but very self absorbed, selfish, mentally abusive.

I thought that all marriages were like that, and as long as he didn't hit me, or was out with his friends at all hours we were fine.

I know different now.

I know men out there, that are not mentally abusive, and are good men, and are wondeful fathers, and are not cheaters.

So I will no longer "settle"

Thank you for always being so candid.

YOu are a wonderful success story.

Thank you myturn. You really have no idea how much you encourage me. I felt my self beam when you were cheering for my goals!!!!

I'm pretty much able to detach from H's spews. Sometimes it gets to me, but I can usually pull myself out.

Today a mutual friend told me that H's new nickname where he works is "Playboy Troy". Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That made me spin a little, but after an hour or so, I was ok.

So, thanks Myturn! Please keep posting your inspiring story and updates. It gives me hope!

MTN - Your posts here are so inspirational - thank you for taking the time to tell your whole story.

My situation is so different and I realize from your post and others, that my situation could be so much worse. We are civil to one another - that is a blessing.

I wish you nothing but the best. You are a success story. Congratulations.

w8ing

thank you for sharing what you know....

Hey Bam,

I had to laugh at this one "Today a mutual friend told me that H's new nickname where he works is "Playboy Troy". Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." My XH just got a new blackberry and proudly displayed his screen saver as some playmate of the year..OMG..He is pathetic. He asked me where "he could find her?"..always trying for a reaction..

Oh, the best part..When OW saw the pic she threw his new blackberry against a wall.

Yeah, they can be playboys, alright. He used to read them, too..Always commenting about this one and that one..Finally, I said to him take them out the house..I was not into them laying around here at all..No thanks..

Caz and W8ing..thanks so much for the kudos..I just wanted to give you all some advice as to what has worked for me..

Well, Xh spent most of his day at my house while I wasn't here..so weird..

He had the kids last night so New Guy and I could go out. I tried to get a game plan this morning as to what time they would be home to no avail. So I went out to breakfast with New Guy and started my day.

Next thing I know my D is calling me from home and says that Daddy is all cozy on the front porch reading the Sunday paper..

WTF??

He used to do that ALL THE TIME pre-bomb..

And, he is backing his car in the driveway pulling it all the way up when he comes to get the kids and wants to hang out.

It's like he is staking his territory again..So weird and I have to admit, annoying..

This occurs after he texts me that I am to get the kids passports done yesterday..I then asked him to discuss his plans to take them to an island and he said nope, don't have to. He refused to discuss his plans with the kids..Well, he's not taking them if that's the case..oh well..

I am glad he wants to do something with the kids but his behavior is so erratic with me that I don't think he is stable..well, I use that term loosely in a sentence with his name, anyway..

Just read Hopefloasts post. Wow..what a day she had..Ya know, I think it is wonderful that she posted her conversation with WAS..You all should go read it..

So much of what I read on her post came from my XH..

He has said..

He is sorry..OW was just there..That he probably wouldn't have left it it weren't for her but he was way out there..He needed to feel needed..I think I posted this all before but I wanted to reiterate that once these MLCers statt to think more clearly it's AMAZING to how much pain they are in..still. I guess it's even moreso since they see all the damage they have done so it's just not all about their depression..It's about the consequences of the behavior caused by the depression.

So, XH is one minute texting me crap and I don't respond..Well, I did sort of..I said have a nice day sunshine..I have decided that whenever he is bullying me I will have that standard reply..It shut him up, that's for sure. He is not used to me not responding that way.

Well, on a brighter note..

I START MY NEW JOB TOMORROW!!

I am such a geek..I tried on my outfit so it's all hung up ready to go. My briefcase is stocked with supplies and such leaning up against my bedroom wall..And I can't sleep I am so excited..

I decided to have the kids call me Professor as it is more collegiate than Mrs. so and so. When I was in school, I never called any of my teachers other than Professor.

I am going to WET MY PANTS WHEN I HEAR THAT..I feel like an imposter already.

Well, it's 12:25 a.m. so I had better go nighty night. I need to make sure I don't wear two different shoes or my shirt inside out so I better not be tired.

(btw..I was in Ann Taylor trying on clothes today and I went to go pay for my shirts and the nice cashier girl told me I had my shirt on inside out..Nice..huh?) Do ya think I was excited to bust out of the dressing room to buy work clothes for the first time in ten years? Do ya think?

First day was AWESOME!!

So much different than student teaching last year at a local high school. Now, I am actually getting paid!!

Happy Dance...

It's a beautiful campus and it's so fun to be around other artsy people. The department is such an eclectic mix that it makes it so much more interesting..

Well, time to kick it in high gear with the housework. This was my break!

((( MTN )))

YAY!

Congrats on your first day! Congrats on every achievement in your new life. You should be so proud.

Also, thank you for sharing what you did in this thread.

I often think that those of us who walk away with a D, and try to make the best of it and see the brighter side, appear to not stand, be bitter, or whatever. But, mostly it's facing the reality and truth of a situation, and accepting what we are dealt with and making the best of it. We are supportive of everyone who wants to stand for the M, I know I did til the very end, through some zany stuff. And, while I believe in compassion and love, like you, I also stand for being true to your own self and health, and to maintain values and standards. So often, it's easy to let our sense of normal go while we try to understand....understanding does not equal acceptance.

That's the biggest lesson I have learned: Life is often not what you planned, wanted or expected....but it WILL be what you make of it.

My love to you!

(((mtn))),

Congratulations on a terrific first day. I know what you mean about being on the campus, it is just really invigorating, even on a bad day.

Thanks for start this great dialogue on what people have learned. For me, at least, it is inspirational. I still have plenty to learn, even post-D.

Cheers and hugs.
AH

I often think that those of us who walk away with a D, and try to make the best of it and see the brighter side, appear to not stand, be bitter, or whatever. But, mostly it's facing the reality and truth of a situation, and accepting what we are dealt with and making the best of it. We are supportive of everyone who wants to stand for the M, I know I did til the very end, through some zany stuff. And, while I believe in compassion and love, like you, I also stand for being true to your own self and health, and to maintain values and standards. So often, it's easy to let our sense of normal go while we try to understand....understanding does not equal acceptance.

WOW..WHAT A INSPIRATIONAL POST!

Always, you write with such intelligence and self-awareness..Bravo to you!

Thanks so much for your well-wishes..I truly means the world to me when I log on and see all the wonderful thoughts sent my way..

Hugs to you, my friend..

A D does not have to mean the end of the road by any means. I may not be married anymore. But I still stand for my XH in a way. I still believe in him and am rooting him on that he will find happiness one day. I will be the first to tell him that, too.

A.H..my DB buddy..

Thanks so much for your kind words and compassionate posts. It's people like you that keep me coming back to post my updates as I am not married, but do want to keep the postive energy flowing. Thank you for recognizing that.

Hugs to you, too!!