Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I asked H to leave; regret-now what?

well, even if you decide to go that way... you're sunk, since you chose to take the debt on in your name. At minimum, you will be responsaible for half of it.

but.. sounds like you have some *personal* options other than that.



Time to get over that, i think.
Forget about emails to your husband... seems like they dont work.
if you want to communicate with him, seems like you are going to have to call, or go see him.

PS: I think that yes, since you were the one who asked him to leave, that you should be 'the one to make the first move'.

Not a "please come back" approach, but perhaps a "lets talk about being together again." one?

Thank you for your comments. Voicemails and e-mails are not working.I did send him a letter (email) of apology acknowleding my own faults and that I regretted the overreaction of asking him to leave; I could have responded to his actions a different way and still set a boundary. In my last voicemail, yesterday, I did discuss the bills calmly and said I understood that he was angry at me but we needed to discuss these bills.He has not contacted me since separation.

I'm thinking of sending a certified letter to him discussing the bill and the "lets talk." If I go to his place (his dad's house) he will construe that as "drama" and I doubt that will go well. I did think of another option and that is to borrow money from my mom but I think she will eventually tell my H and lecture him about responsibilities. I don't know if it's a good idea to get relatives involved. Any suggestions on the certified mail or loan request options. Thank you.
PS> I have read a book "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman that has been a great help to me and would recommend it to others; it has taken the "panic" from me and helped me work on myself.

I'd say that a certified letter like that is more "drama".

I think that you need to learn how to deal with your husband face to face, in a way that is non-threatening/dramatic to both of you.

He's the one forcing "drama", by refusing to respond to you.
(most likely, he's just hiding, trying to avoid his responsabilities. Dont let him weasle out of it by claims of "drama". Time for him to act like an adult and face the consequences of his own choices. He bugged you for the loan. He needs to face up to handling the loan.)


Right now, you have extreme motivation to get this issue resolved, in a timely manner. I think you should go talk to him right away.

The last thing you need is another loan. you need to close out your existing loan in a sensible manner.

If your husband refuses to talk to you, then you need to at minimum talk to a financial planner or something, to figure out how to protect yourself.
i dont think you should try guessing at how to handle these kinds of large financial matters on your own, without professional advice.
If you and your husband can work things out, that would be the best way. But otherwise... get some professional advice.

I liked it too. Actually, that was the book that gave me the hope to go out and look for ways to repair my M which is what led me here. It might be a little God heavy for some but don't let that get in the way. I was driving 7 hours to visit some family about 4 weeks ago and listened to the book on CD recording of this. Twice. And another time later. I just recently (today) figured out that he's the same guy that wrote the 5 love languages book, the other non-DB book I have read and really like.

You're right Dom, it would be drama to get a certified letter-kinda like legal separation papers and I don't want to go there three weeks after separating.

Today I talked to a legal expert, over the phone (thank God I do have a legal plan) and he told me I am liable for the bill since it's in my name. Legally I can sue for half the bill but this would have to be part of divorce proceedings. That's not going to help me now.

It is kind of scary to go over to his dad's house-he may or may not be there. I think I'd have to write out a "script" so I can keep focused. Last Friday I his paycheck came in the mail-I'm surprised he hasn't called or come over to pick it up. We don't have a joint account so I can't deposit it into my account and I don't think I can hold it for "ransom" (more drama). I don't know if showing up will do anything but it "feels" better than doing nothing or more of the same (emails, voicemails, waiting).

Well, I went over H's dad's house and H wasn't there. FIL doesn't know exactly where he is except for the name of the city. This sucks about the bill I'm stuck with but it shows the character of the man. There's nothing more I can think of doing except to continue focusing on GAL. This would be a good time to "go dark," as it serves no good purpose to call or email H. I think I'll have to try really really hard not to become bitter or shut down emotionally (which is what I feel like doing right now).

Dear old "dad" (FIL) told H that I came over looking for H to sign "court papers" which angered H-(he sent me an email asking what court papers did I take over to his dad's). Then H accused me of telling his co-workers about our separation. I told him his dad was mistaken (he looked like he had a few beers in him) and I reiterated I had gone over there to talk, face to face, about the bill and I didn't mention court, separation, or any other matters-I was only there for 60 seconds or so. H did not write back.
I ended up paying his bill-I hope I never get into that situation again; lessoned learned. If they don't have the credit that's their own challenge to overcome.
There is no reason to send H emails or telephone him again. I guess I have to approach this as "water under the bridge" and not let it consume me with anger. I've already given my apology about asking him to leave, twice, through email and voicemail and that's all I can do-can't make him accept the apology. Going "dark" will be easier now (I hope) and H has to walk his own path, whatever that might be.

"angered"? or "scared"? oftentimes "scared" drives "angry".

This is a mess.
you need to talk to him.
email is not talking. he dumps what he has to say on you, and ignores anything you have to say.


You dont have the choice of "going dark". He's "gone dark" on YOU.

If you really want useful help... you should probably post details about what exactly you were fighting about, that drove you to tell him to get out.

Also, mention why you want him back and what makes you think that you can change yourself enough to make your relationship work now.


At some point, when you think he has cooled off enough for the potential of talking:
He's afraid of "making a scene at his work".
So, you know how to get him to talk.

Send him an email, saying that you need to talk face to face with him for a while. You'd like to do it in private, but he never responds with any method you've tried so far.

Ask him to pick a time and place you can talk to him in the next week, for at least an hour.
If he doesnt respond, then you will talk to him at work.

Betcha you get a response very quickly Unfortunately, it may be garbage like "dont you dare come over here... blah blah hate/anger" speech.

Good point about going dark.
Married close to 3 years. First 8 months was great and he helped me a lot through my breast cancer diagnosis, surgery and treatment.I had found out about BC the day we returned from honeymoon. After primary treatment we began building up his business, going for his "passion" and I financed equipment. I returned to work and he gradually began working 20-30 hours on the business, in addition to regular f-t job. I was placed on medicine which caused a lot of fatigue, experienced anxiety, and 'menopausal' symptoms. Financially we were both doing well.

During that time he asked if his teenage son could live with us since he hated being out of state-I said sure. His son had some behavioral problems and H had difficult time parenting. He had been a part-time dad & inconsistent since his son was a young boy.My two teenagers have lived with me since my divorce from their dad 10 years earlier-both do okay in school and we have a close relationship. Seven months later he takes his son back to his mom-without talking to me- and said his son did not like the way I looked at him and we were too strict. We had noticed some drug use and skipping school. Later I talked with his son privately and he said this was not the reason; it was that his dad was too strict. We saw him for 3 subsequent holidays and things looked good between his son and me.Currently son is in rehab and still lives with his mother.

During this time H started working 30-40 hours on this additional business and was doing well financially. His personality changed in that he started being boastful and name-dropping to others. Much of his weekend nights were taken up with business (music). Although we had a few talks about "balance" and needing to spend time together, he would acknowledge and promised we would do spend more time together, but it never happened. I did become a complainer and nagged and we grew more distant. I became more lonely. He rarely invited me to any functions. During this time his daughter, 20 y.o, was having problems with spousal abuse and she was in a "safe house" with her two children. H was under a lot of stress and was even more distant. (while we were dating some similar incidents with his kids occurred, he was stressed and he broke up with me for 6 weeks, then apologized and pursued me again).
On my son's birthday he decided to do a gig, at the last minute, instead of joining us. I got angry and we had an argument. I rehashed the above compliants and told him he was in danger of losing me and that we should separate since I was living by myself most of the time. Five minutes later I took that statement back and said I spoke in anger and I was sorry. He appeared to forgive me and said he didn't want to lose me, he loved me, I was a good woman, etc. but then he went onto do his 'gig.' Two days later, after another gig, he doesn't come home, all night, didn't call until 8:00 a.m. First I was hurt and as the night progressed and I found out he wasn't in an accident or in jail, I became very angry (no cursing or throwing things). When he came home I asked him to leave. He didn't argue against it and just said "I was pissed off at you for telling me to leave the other day, so I went out with some friends, after the gig, I got drunk and passed out in my car." While that may be true, he was able to get up and call his place of employment to call in sick at 6:00 a.m
It doesn't appear to me that H wants to be married. I know I handled this wrong, by overreacting and telling him to leave. I do regret this but now I have to live with the consequences.
I want him back because I have seen that other side of him (the unselfish, kind side)but now I question his integrity and character. I'm vacillating on this since I don't want to be hurt again.

wow.

only married 3 years, and things are this messy.Plus all those "external events", are heavy stuff to deal with, in even a strong marriage.

you sound right in your summary that basically, he sounds like he "doesnt want to be married" any more.

there's a lot of stuff to get through.

I hope that your husband sorts out his life in a sane manner soon.
Sounds like you may be waiting for quite a while, though


it also sounds like, though you dont say explicitly what his "passion" is, that he may be going through a male "join a band" style MidLife Crisis. you might want to check out the MLC forums, to see if that fits or not.