If you asked her, would she actually say that all the problems in the marriage are yours?
No, she's too smart for that. I would think she'd say that the lion's share are my problems, and then she'd frame her problems in a way that would make her appear as somewhat of a martyr/long-suffering wife; or that she has tried to do her part over and over, but that her efforts have been frustrated by my actions, to the point that she has "given up." In other words, that her contribution to the marital problems are a direct result of my contribution.
But, then again, she could surprise me. She's done it before.
And hey, cemar: good analysis! Awesome, actually. Thanks.
I figured that it was either going to end up with some money threat, or some divorce threat.
Are you so afraid of threats?
Not so much anymore. My point was that I've become somewhat immune to the threats because of their consistent use and disposal. But I've also prepared myself for the possibility of their follow-through.
It's kind of like Godwin's Law. As a hairdog/ms.hairdog argument grows longer, the probability of a threat of divorce or financial hardship approaches one.
The threat and the actuality are MILES apart. She controls you with the threat. Like B.F. Skinner's sheep who were trained with an electrified fence and later were kept under control with a string fence.
That comment about not putting any more $$ into your children's college fund was really mean, and soooooo beside the point.
That comment about not putting any more $$ into your children's college fund was really mean, and soooooo beside the point.
Amen. And more.
Frankly, when you start using my children as some sort of weapon against me - I view that as a declaration of war.
I would suggest that this be your first instance of financial assertiveness in your marriage. I would move her off *your* (since she evidently is always going to view them as "not mine") children's college account. I would then look at having money taken directly from my salary and placed into that separate account *before* it is placed into the joint account.
I would be damned before I would let her use this again.
I've been concerned about this issue ever since the pudding incident, the uneven division of labor and money, and this is just a cherry on the top of it all.
You can control my money. You can conscript my labor. You can reject me from sex. You can ream me out on a weekly basis for my myriad failures and indiscretions.
But you better by gawd not use my children in your malicious power struggle.
Btw, hairdog, I wasn't trying to say "why does he put up with her" in my earlier post. I understand why you married her, and I even understand why you're still with her. I actually think (this is said with no sarcasm whatsoever) that Ms Hairdog sounds like a really interesting woman. In fact, I believe I'd be a lot like her, if I were married to you (again, no sarcasm intended).
The way to handle someone like me is to be iron-firm in your boundaries or I will walk all over you with pointy high-heeled shoes. Not because I'm insecure, or have abandonment issues, but because you let me. If I rejected my husband more than three or four times for sex without a Very Good Excuse he would say "never mind then", and MEAN it. Sex would be OVER with a capital O. I never tested this, but I KNOW it. I'm HD most of the time but I've had LD periods in my marriage, just like most people (kids, work, tired, etc) but I've never ACTED LD. And that's only one example out of many.
He does what he wants, when he wants it, and how he wants it. He's actually quite willing to compromise if approached in a reasonable manner, but will always do his thing his way. And he lets me do my things my way. And that is actually the only way to live with someone like me. Cats will play with helpless "mices" (insert Gollum voice). If they pounce on a dog who just stares at them and keep walking, they will eventually look for something else to amuse them. We're resourceful critters. *smirk*
That said, the kid thing is a low blow. Kids are sacrosanct topics, and not even in my most cat-like moments have I used a SO's kids as a weapon of war. Wanna start drawing boundaries? Draw one there, just like Mrs Nop said. A man who doesn't protect his kids, no matter what, cannot be trusted to protect his woman from herself. And darn, does she ever need it.
That comment about not putting any more $$ into your children's college fund was really mean, and soooooo beside the point.
True, but it is also the typical narcissistic power play bluff. It is meant to do one thing and one thing only, to make her feel in control of the situation AT THAT MOMENT. It has no bearing on anything extending further out than a day or two. After all her huff and puff about not trusting HD, the next day she then goes and asks where he went to sleep. Completely contradictory to her earlier statements, right?
You guys need to tweak your view of MrsHD just a little. She is and is not all about control. She needs control to keep a current argument from blowing up and to keep a perceived threat from escalating. Beyond that she has no desire for control. In fact, I think that she thinks she would rather be left alone, which is why she thinks she is so sacrificing and HD is the one who is selfish and controlling.
A traumatized person does not plan for the future. S/he lives only in the present and from day to day. So how can she plan manipulation further out than that? And as for cutting off the college funding or otherwise taking revenge through the kids – more bluff. I recommend that HD just let things be and see if MrsHD does anything. In that way he calls her bluff. She will then have to deal with her own guilt if she does anything spiteful. I bet she considers herself a very moral and ethical person. So she will be in a bind if she follows through on her word. She will also know that HD will have something to hold over her head and that is one bit of power she is just NOT going to let him have. In this way, she is self controlling. Just ignore all the noise coming out of her. If HD jumps, that will be just what she wants. HD’s best response to crazy statements like that is to look her in the eye, yawn (not laugh), and say “Whatever. Is there any leftover dessert from last night?”
Well, the "hope" part is definitely correct. But associating it with the fact that we had sex back in May somehow changed the "rule" is not right. Yes, I hoped she would react with a moan of pleasure, rather than a "WTF?" But there's no reality in our history which would suggest that such a positive outcome would occur, beyond the very early days of our sexual relationship. Hope springs eternal? Or, "shake the cage and create some conflict?" Or, "just a quick squeeze to see if it still feels wonderful and hope she doesn't wake up?" Maybe some of all of those...maybe something else.
Hairdog,
One of the things I've had to come to grips with is that I may never have actually been in love with my wife. I was, rather, in love with my IMAGE of my wife -- as I wished she would be.
Does that make any sense?
Could it be that the woman that you are in love with is an image inside of your head of how you project her . .. how you wish she would be?
With me, it was that I have been in love with (and putting up with) my image of what Mrs. Choc. could be, if only I were (take your pick from among the following): nicer, more helpful around the house, more successful financially, more romantic, phrased things just so, funnier, a better father, etc., etc. In other words, I felt that if I would JUST figure out how to be PERFECT, that the woman that I then projected in my head would be SO happy, that I would love her SO MUCH!
I dunno, maybe that helps you, maybe it's psychobabble. I just know it helped me.
The way to handle someone like me is to be iron-firm in your boundaries or I will walk all over you with pointy high-heeled shoes. Not because I'm insecure, or have abandonment issues, but because you let me.
Wow. We talked about respect around her one time, and I was pretty hammered for my *lack* of respect for women.
I dont walk all over them, just because I can. When someone apologizies to me, I dont leap on them and beat them down with their remorse. I really question how I can have a lack of respect for women, when I show respect, pretty much all the time, even if I am sarcastic. A woman wants to receive respect... but will dole out I will walk all over you with pointy high-heeled shoes... because you let me
That doesnt sound like HD's issue. That sounds like Mrs. HD's issue.
I so agree with the OP who said she (a lawyer) threw the rape word. Game over. Done. NO WAY I would mess with my freedom or my record.
BTW do your eyes really turn green? I ask because mine are hazel but turn green when I am horny and bright vivid green when I am raging mad. I remember when I lost my mind one day, and x decided to leave OM abode with me.
She looked at my eyes... not in... but at my eyes and said... Your eyes are so green right now, are you horny? and at me.
and it hit me. she thought it was funny. (not when we were in the house though.)
at me.