Divorcebusting.com

Snodderley - Thank you for stoping by - as you know, I always value your posts. I completely agree with all that you said, and I tried to imply in my post - the seeds were planted long ago, and the person that emerges may have changed - as we have also changed.

A further point is that this makes sense of true reconnection. I think in true reconnection they are, at least in part, picking up the pieces they left behind, and sorting out other reltionshps, as well as 'testing the water'

My h is going to see his mother this week - he hasn't seen her in years, [she lives on another continent] and he described it as 'a long overdue visit'. I facilitatated their r for years, because I am fond of her, and wanted her to have a good r with her grandchildren, but there is a LOT of history in their relationship. It may just be another touch and go, but it feels,in line with his other recent behaviour, that he is starting to 'wake up' a little. Not towards me, but towards friends, family and his children. Friends are reporting phone calls after long silence, and the children are definitely being wooed [my h's own words]. He also asked for all the family photos, which have sat unlooked at for nearly two years.

Me, I am sitting on the side lines, and enjoying the huge privilege of living for a few months in central London.

I am thinking about those that don't exit, and why this is - I have some ideas, but it is such a speculative and delicate matter . . .
A

Annie - have you read a book called 'Ultimate Prizes' by Susan Howatch [it is the third in a series, but each is stand alone. It describes exactly how people cover up damage by adopting new persnalities, and how it comes unstuck. The main character has a sort of MLC [it is set in 1942-5]

It is a fabulous read, and very thought provoking.

EXACTLY. you gave me chills with your post, it's like you know hom. Javier is Mr. Grump, instead of Mr. personality.

everyone, calls him this, even the kids.

His mother told me that even in his birthday parties, he would not smile in pics.

I asked why one day, and he said he hated his teeth.

Fireman, and loung lizard, priceless.
No emotion ever.

Lissie and Snodderley - my h learnt to smile and laugh with our family - I think it was my mother's death that partially triggered his MLC. When I met him he had a strange lop sided smile, that looked pasted on. But he learned to laugh and relax. My eldest son said I held him together for years - which I never felt I was doing, but looking back I can see how damaged he was, and how self destructive.

When Pedro was 5 he was playing with some friends and overheard his mother say to a group of mothers about him, "He's my sensitive one."

He said from that point on, he was determined to not be "the sensitive one."

Oh boy, did he ever succeed at that.

Amazing how one little comment can shape a child's entire future...

Angelica,
What you've posted about the reconnections is absolutely true. They need to pick up the pieces that they've left behind and then place them into the puzzle of their life in order to figure out what their lives will be.

I'm glad your h is going to visit his mother. You are a lot like me. My xh could not have cared less about his mother, but I was the one always initiating phone conversations, letters, cards and visits. I seriously doubt that my xh would have stayed in contact w/his mother had it not been for what I did. His mother passed aways 4 years ago and now he regrets not being there for her. As for his father, well...xh harbored some major anger towards him for leaving the family a long time ago and wasn't speaking to his father when he passed away in 1998. This is when the journey began for my xh. He lost a lot that year. My xh hasn't been in touch with friends in my area. They ask about him all of the time, but they've not seen or heard from him since 1999. I would venture to say that my xh is definitely one that will never exit the tunnel. To this day, he's still very screwed up. So much anger and resentment towards the world and what few emails I have received from him, he still spews forth anger and bitter words. A very sad situation.

You've got a very healthy attitude towards your situation and I'm glad to see it. Life has so much to offer all of us!

Annie - It is so true that chldren pick up on stray comments,BUT I only think they do it when they are fundamentally insecure, and don't know how to 'please' or placate an emotinally absent or eratic parent.

What I am saying is that a remark like that to many children would just be something stored away, and thought about occasionally, or not. But to a troubled kid, they see [not consciously of course at the time]'Ah that is what I have to do to be loved, approved of, whatever . . .'

Does this make sense? Otherwise we have really screwed up all our kids with our dumb insensitive remarks.

I think you are right, I think he was a child who was already starved for attention (the fourth boy), being left to his own resources to have his needs met and find his way...and so when he heard this, I think it was like, "aha, that's why she doesn't love me, give me the attention I crave, I can't please her or get what I want from her..."

So yes, I think there must be fertile ground for something like that to take root.

Snodderly I do wonder if some of those who don't make it out never had enough joy in life to make the possibility of a new identity worth trying for? I suspect those that were very happy for a period of their life, even after a damaged childhood/adolescence have a desire to recreate something. But if you were never really happy, or not for long enough, perhaps thatis the problem. I don't know, I am only speculating here, and don't want to upset anyone by pushing this line along too far . . .

Angelica,
Your speculation is actually a very good one. I had thought the same thing. I know w/my xh, his childhood and early teen years weren't happy ones at all. He was only happy for a very short period of time in the marriage and it was like "is this all there is to it"? He was the type of person who would want all sorts of things and once he got them, he was happy a very, very short time. It's like he was constantly looking for something out there and could never find it. BTW, he couldn't tell you what he was looking for. He would always say, I'll know it when I see it. It's a very sad way to live, but he is one of those that was damaged very early on and never recovered from the damage because it started long before he could walk or talk. That's another story in and of itself.

So, yes, you are right on target w/my thoughts as well.