Yes, it may be a language of love for him. Have you read that? My ultimate 180 would be to become a more sexual partner. Kind of hard when WS is having an affair? Am I supposed to date to prove that? That seems like double cheating. But my H is in love with his OW, but I do not think he is loyal to her.
Our s*x life was fantastic, and *lack of* was never a problem. A 180 for me would be to completely go cold on him, but I have a feeling that would backfire at this point. I can see that he is really struggling and having a lot of regrets. I don't know how the dynamics will change once they both (and her kids) get settled into the new place, though.
OW will have to commute to her (40+ hour/week) job a total of 2 hours a day round-trip, PLUS her kids trying to adjust to a new school, childcare expenses, etc. -- I'm sure it will *get* to her.
As far as going cold turkey that could be a good 180 for you. What I have realized that using DB doesn't mean that the WS won't still have regrets now and again or go back and forth. The truth is they are taking powerful drugs (dopamine) and seem to act the way they do regardless. Remember, DBing is for you; it's more of a survival tool than a surefire way to fix the problem. Unfortunately, that's all in there hands. Plus, true DBing will make you look more attractive.
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
The day I found out about him moving into my neighborhood with her, he was moping around like he was on his way to a funeral. As you know, we had a fight, then we ML later that night.
The day after we ML, I gave him a ton of work to do (we have a home-based business together), and he said he wouldn't be able to get back to me for a few days. We had a *wink-wink* little conversation about the s*x, but he gave me a very sweet, sincere kiss as he left.
BTW, I forgot to mention that he is well aware of the fact that I want him back, and when he asked me to ML, he brought up the text message I sent to him a few weeks ago about *not giving up without a fight.*
Looking back, I'm not sure if this was manipulation?
I haven't heard from him since then, but we're supposed to go to a parents meeting about next year's DC/NY trip with our son's school (he plans on going, too). He's sending me mixed signals here! I'm not sure if he's REALLY falling back in love with me (seems that way), going to flip-flop for a while, or *playing* both of us?
I don't want to share -- he's MY H, after all!
Should I...
* Go back to cutting off all contact with him ASAP? * Just pretend everything's cool? * Show more love and appreciation anyway? * Go far, far away for a while?
Maybe I should wait and see how he acts around me at tonight's parent's meeting.
Wondering if ML was a big mistake...
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” - Matthew 19:6
The WS is really messed up not only mine and yours but everyone i've read about here. So he probably is going from falling in love with you, and playing the fence. ML is not a mistake unless it makes you feel used. If you are ok with it then I'd say it's not wrong. One reason to ML is taht there are endorphins that are released that help form pair bonds and this can help you two feel closer.
The key here I think is what my DB coach called leaving the cup halfway full. You decide if and when to ML and give affection and then move to something else AS IF you could take it or leave it. If he gets to drink the whole glass of your affection then his thirst is quenched. Leave him wanting more:) Maybe a bill clinton or something... I don't know but you get the point.
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
I was cautiously optimistic about the ML the other night, but now I'm starting to feel some bitterness/resentment creeping in. I don't doubt that he felt some love for me the other night, but he still moved in with the OW anyway.
I couldn't help but feel bitter and hurt this evening. He went to a parents meeting with me tonight about our son's NY/DC trip next summer, and we both plan on going with him in spite of what's going on right now. I told him I was taking D22's car over there, and if he wanted to go, he could meet me at the school. He insisted on driving me there, but he made us late.
I was encouraged, especially since he hung around the house for an hour or so after the meeting. But then he acted platonic with me. No hugs, no kisses, etc. He also borrowed our old truck so he could haul some his stuff from his apartment to the place he's now sharing w/OW. Very confusing!
H accidentally left his apartment key at my house, and I had to drive 10 miles into town hand 'em over. I feel like I should have just not answered the phone, and let him call AAA instead. I was cold and edgy -- probably not the attitude to have if I'm trying to pretend it's not getting to me.
I'm such a push-over.
I just want to tell him, *I will never let you touch me until she's completely out of your life, and you can prove to me that this kind of crap will never EVER happen again.*
I was cautiously optimistic about the ML the other night, but now I'm starting to feel some bitterness/resentment creeping in.
Then try to remember that. Think of ML as being for you NOT the M. if you view it as meaning something to him at the moment you will only hurt yourself. If you have the desire to ML and you do then that's great- don't beat yourself up - but to him he's probably having sex as opposed to ML. I know it's hard and I'm sorry that this has happened.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
What Saffie said it very good. Try to view ML like your the OW now. My H use to have hot heavy lunch sex w/ OW when it started. Seperate your thinking back to where you were dating. Make it very casual if you can.
Lately my H has wanted sex lunch dates w/ me and we meet at our house, but he still lives w/ OW. Just seems to be getting more detached? from OW?
Try to view ML like your the OW now. My H use to have hot heavy lunch sex w/ OW when it started. Seperate your thinking back to where you were dating. Make it very casual if you can.
Lately my H has wanted sex lunch dates w/ me and we meet at our house, but he still lives w/ OW. Just seems to be getting more detached? from OW?
Isn't it bizarre how it works that way?! My H seems to feel guilty for cheating on *her!* I'm his wife -- hello?!
Today, I saw him for just a few minutes when he picked up his car. Very matter-of-fact, just saying he was very *busy.* Busy moving himself, OW and her kids into the new place, that is. I was already upset about having to apply for Disability today, and it didn't help that he was so indifferent to me (especially after saying ILY the other night and ML like he meant it?) -- I don't hide my sadness very well -- sorry, but it still stings. I think I was more upset about settling for Disability, though.
That's the problem with s*x. For men, it's physical, and for women, it's emotional.
Knowing my H, though, he'll probably swing back and forth (so to speak) between love and indifference for a long time, until he decides to officially end the marriage, or we get back together. He's unusually emotion-driven (for a man), and he's made a lot of comments about not wanting to let her down, afraid she'll kill herself, poor thing's had a hard life, etc. I don't know about anyone else, but it seems to me that would get really old after a while.
My H is very open with me, but I can almost guarantee that he never told OW about our little double-whammy LM the other night. I'm no psychologist, but I'm thinking maybe he's *detached* from me this week because he's keeping this a secret from her. Just a gut feeling.
As for any future ML, I have no idea if it will help/hurt the reconciliation process since he's sending me such mixed signals.
I take mixed signals as good in away. It tells you about his confusion. Confusion is way better than *knowing* he no longer wants the M. This is when you can sway him over or win him over before he is dead set on leaving.
You say your H can be emotional thats good for his emotions will get attached to your sex!
His confusion is driving me crazy, but you're right -- at least it's better than wanting to completely cut me out of his life. I'm still wondering which DR technique I should use, or maybe just maintain the status quo...?
Not to brag about myself, but I've noticed a few things I have in my favor that OW doesn't:
* I put my child's well-being first * A STRONG faith in God, lots of prayer, and obedience to His will. * My H and I still enjoy each other's company (except when we talk about R, of course) * I'm not needy/obsessive * He feels comfortable confiding in me * I'm fairly secure with myself, and I don't *need* him to *complete me* (darn you, Jerry McGuire!)
From I've learned so far, the OW:
* Has lived with a man within the past year with *some* of her kids * Was married twice to the same man she always refers to as *dirt.* (Oops -- hope she doesn't ever stumble onto this forum!) * Rarely lives with all her kids at the same time * A partygirl when kids are away w/D * Extremely impulsive * Needs constant reassurance of his loyalty/devotion * Claims to be a Christian, but she obviously doesn't walk the walk if she's living w/a married man!
I wonder if my being his pal/confidante will eventually backfire, as in *hey, I've got this OW in one house, and a wife in the other house who seems totally cool with this.* This, of course, is not true! I will NEVER be cool with it.
