Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, #4

You can do it Morgan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2YU1YZr5wY

ya know, atgo, I am not a violent person, but I would love nothing better than to jump on him like that. he's 5'10", I'm 5'2", not sure how effective I would be, but boy, I feel like I could do some real damage.

just went downstairs to run some laundry. we have a finished basement, with lots of little rooms off of the main one. the main one was his office, and he had a little bar set up there. an old boss gave him a huge bottle of johnny walker blue...its HUGE. really nice, inscribed with his name on it, etc. well, just walked thru that part to get to the laundry room and its GONE.

wtf, is he going to start drinking whiskey now? he hates whiskey. hates it with a passion. I'm starting to get concerned about the fact that he wrote me that he is drinking too much. I figured he said that to push buttons (I'm the daughter of an alcoholic, don't forget). but now I'm wondering...is he progressing in that direction?

yeah, he could have taken it for a keepsake. but why take that now? most of that kind of stuff, and any keepsake stuff, is still here in the basement, until he has room for it.

so why?

hmmmm

okay, off of him. if he wants to start drinking whiskey, his deal, right? nothing to do with me.

back to me.

scratch that, eta I just went back down and realized he took a bunch of stuff...his pics of golfing with larry bird, some other framed pics of himself and his team, and such. left the one of me and the kids I had taken for fathers day a couple of years ago, I noticed. well, guess its mine, now.

so guess he is just taking the important stuff.

yeah, its me again. he just called...sounded totally normal on the phone. he's a nut job, I tell you, a nut job. or knows me well enough that he knows I'm not going to say anything either, so figures that if the storm just blows over, it will be easier all around. nothing resolved, mind you, but civil. hopefully he's not planning on an ow/kids ambush.

when he called I was in the midst of turning his office into an art room for the kids. he liked that idea a lot, actually. then he told me he took a bunch of stuff when he was here yesterday...his bottle of whiskey, another inscribed bottle, his pictures and such...all to decorate his new office. doh! guess I should have thought of that. as he put it, he's never going to drink them, and they are inscribed and look nice, etc. I think I was still riding the waive of the insanity of yesterday. I wonder if he has a picture of ow on his desk? blech. shudder. hope not.

well, so that answers that. off to the gym, and off to get my mind off of him. sorry for going on and on...as my friend points out, I tend to boil rather quickly these days...then boil out and the calm returns. (as opposed to h, who simmers for a long time then finally boils)

I think that rather than some article about how its "too soon" for kids to meet OW, you should focus on the legal aspect. That is, what do the laws of your state say about visitation and cohabitation? In many states having overnight visits is prohibited if there is cohabitation. I'm guessing that's already what you have written out.

I think you should share that info, not as a threat, but to illustrate what society expects.

Hi morgan, what a night.

LOL at the wave of insanity. One night I wandered around looking for H's khaki shorts. I couldn't find them anywhere and it drove me nuts. They were in the washer. Nut job here too.

I am curious what your friend told you to say to him, and what the letter says. Any thoughts to posting it? I am so sorry about your bad day, REALLY bad day. I can see why you are drawn to mil, don't be ashamed of that. Its very hard to 'cut' ties, especially because she supports you (right?).

Have a great day. Or at least have a 'functioning' day.

yep, need to get the info specific to my state on that one. (anyone know offhand?)

lwb, I'm ashamed of getting her involved because she is getting physically affected by it. and if she gets very sick (which would be horrible), I would never forgive myself. I need to back off from her...I certainly need to stop the h talk with her, at the very least. it is wrong on so many levels.

busy morning...got to the gym, had a good w/o, have done lots of thinking but also am trying hard to put it aside for now. nothing I can do this moment, I'm just still so angry and surprised that he is so self-centered. and there is that part of me that is just waiting for the ambush.

but realistically, right now, I can't stop him. I can't. but I will look into the legalities of it. and if either he does it, or I have to use legal means to stop it, I'm afraid we can kiss out good streak of co-parenting good bye. I can see how it can get nasty and awful and its everything I don't want.

I don't want any of this, but if it is going to happen, then I think the least we can do is not hate each other/create chaos and anger where it can be avoided. maybe that's naive of me.

You can't stop it, but you can do everything you can to try. Hopefully he has done some thinking and is possibly realizing what a bad idea it is. I would avoid using 'selfish' to his face (even though he admits it) and have him try to see it from the kids point of view.

Glad you had a good workout.

Back later, my daughter just told me to log off, Mom.

I found references in NH, RI, VA, TX, and other states which suggest that cohabitation can be grounds for losing visitation. Massachusetts is a bit more liberal, though. I'm getting hits on allowing gay marriage but not preventing visitation with cohabitation.

Google: coparenting manual massachusetts

I found a brochure that may be generally helpful. Toward the back it had this:

Children are HARMED when parents:
• Encourage children to choose between them.
• Make promises they do not keep.
• Criticize the other parent to the child or in the child’s range of hearing.
• Use the child as a messenger or negotiator or seek information about the other parent from the child.
• Withhold access to the child for any reason unless there are safety concerns.
• Involve the child in the court process or share legal information.
• Introduce a new partner without adequate preparation. Remember that children need time to grieve the loss of family as they knew it and may not be ready to accept a new partner.

The last point was the best I could find for you.

lwb, he isn't doing any thinking...he's living in the moment, I swear its all about what feels good, consequence free.

thank my3sons for the research! appreciate it. hopefully I won't need it, but it helps to have some info to show him if need be.

my day was okay today. busy...gym (good w/o), house stuff, then spent the afternoon at the pool with some friends of ours. a nice day overall.

the kids are in bed and I'm playing around with something fun now...just scored a really good rate on one of my favorite hotels in boston for what I hope will be a db meet in october. if its not, well, damn, the rate is so good I may just keep it anyway and spend the weekend in the city with a friend, or on my own.

going to go soak in a hot bath and try to keep focused on me.