What I mean when I say differentiation allows you to block out negative emotions is that you prevent yourself from getting emotionally sucked into the other person's emotions, thereby blocking your own emotional involvement, thereby allowing you to more objectively see what is going on and understand what the other person is feeling.
I would phrase it just a bit differently.
I THINK you see it as FIRST you block out the negative emotions to avoid getting sucked into the others emotions and THEN you can stay true to yourself and more objectively see what is going on. I see differentiation the other way around. FIRST you stay true to yourself and see things objectively and THEN who you are is not affected by others' emotions.
So because I know myself I can be around people in deep emotional turmoil AND be able to offer comfort and empathy without getting dragged into their emotion. I think people find that comforting. Kids and strangers seem to see me as approachable and someone they can talk to and I haven't really figured out exactly why. (Just Saturday in the grocery store a Mexican guy approached me to help him read the cough drop packages to find the best one for his wife.)
And now I HAVE to go out and weed and get some sun!! I've got my bikini on so I am ready!!
Have a great Labor Day!!!!!!!!!!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Mrs. Cac. between you and Mojo, Ive been crying from laughter ..I havent laughed this hard... Im saving this. Every time I read it..I will not live in a communication (talk)-starved marriage.".. hahahah. Its serious. I know. Thats why...so funny...whew.
You almost got it, but not quite.
There is nothing wrong with you wanting to talk. You need to talk. It would do you a world of good, to have some gf's to talk to.
And I suppose it would do cac a world of good to have some gf's to have sex with? Hahahaha.
This place is pretty good. (plus I get to eveasdrop.)
This place is very good, but here I measure and censor every word, either because I don't want to sound like an idiot or because cac is reading. (How's that for low EQ? )
Do you like to look in other people's medicine cabinets like Mojo?
Theoretically you can talk to men too, but seeing as how it makes you feel, it may be dangerous territory.
So... GGB, if you are out there... keep your focus on you and your emotions... your actions and reactions... moving that focus to 'outcomes' is self-defeating. I just went through it... and I hope you can see it.
Corri, Well, peeking back here for the first time in a few days. I do see it. I know I need to keep the focus on me and not on the outcomes. It is sometimes hard to keep it there. As far as mapping a course, I keep getting mired in outcomes. Seems so hard to separate the outcomes from the me. I'm also trying to absorb the validation thing too, which I think is what started me on that overwhelmed feeling. I felt it coming on, but I couldn't seem to avoid the dive to the bottom. Hey, at least I saw it coming this time, that's got to be some progress right?
If you think my "giddyness" comments were to try to get Corri to act like a man, then you completely missed the intent of my post. I had no intention of trying to get a woman to act like a man. One on the people I had in mind in whom I also saw the type of "giddyness" I was trying to describe was a man.
Actually, I was just bored so I was trying to provoke you. Do you want to be right or do you want to be sexy? Why don't you go see if your wife can say the alphabet backwards. If you ask me why, I will give up on you for the same/opposite reason as Corri.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I know I need to keep the focus on me and not on the outcomes. It is sometimes hard to keep it there.
Congratulations for your "Understatement of the Year" submission. You are in the running for first place.
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As far as mapping a course, I keep getting mired in outcomes. Seems so hard to separate the outcomes from the me.
I don't know if you can eliminate outcomes altogether. Just don't make them your focus... and certainly, keep their importance to a minimum. If you don't, they define you, rather than you defining them.
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I'm also trying to absorb the validation thing too, which I think is what started me on that overwhelmed feeling.
I think that is a really hard thing for a lot of people to get...
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I felt it coming on, but I couldn't seem to avoid the dive to the bottom. Hey, at least I saw it coming this time, that's got to be some progress right?
Abso-FRIGGIN-lutely!! And knowing all of that now... was it easier to bounce back? Or not really? I'm just curious.
Here's another assumption on my part. When I don't agree with you or give you repeated reason for why I want to see changes in my wife rather than work on myself, am I coming across to you as your ex?
No.
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but for you to assume that I am upping my posts to get my validation 'fix' is off, and actually contradicts exactly what I've been talking about.
I agree, which is what I stated earlier. I too was wondering about this contradiction.
My posts did not increase for me to get a validation fix. You said that, not me (that I was posting more to keep my validation coming in). YOUR assumption brought about the notion of me contradicting myself.
I did not increase my posts for validation. There is no contradiction. Other than what YOU are trying to put here.
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IMO there is a VERY fine line between pure empathy and unconsciously re=experiencing past hurts.
Which is one, of many many reasons, for managing emotions. I'm not quite sure why you are so insistant in convincing me that you have a better understanding of my feelings than I do...
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But one of my questions still remains... why would your posting increase so much because you care?
It didn't and I never said that is why my posting increased. YOU did.
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Just because you care so much doesn't mean you should or need to up the involvement so much.
I never said it did, Cobra. I never said it didn't.
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Is there something else beneath the two that could explain some of the difference and maybe help to answer your question of why you care so much?
I'm not really worried about why I care so much. I really like that about me, actually. But... it can trip me up. That is what **I** am concerned about.
You want to know the reason why my number of posts went up? Because I was posting more.
I don't know where to put this, so... I'll just do it here.
Issues regarding my father keep popping up. For those of you who don't know... he's 74. He's had two heart attacks and other health stuff. He works a full-time job. Not a strenuous job, but, he IS still working full-time. He lives in a motel, and believe it or not, has a pretty full life he has created for himself. It's going to make one he!! of a book.
My dad is also the consummate manipulator. My brother has no tolerance for that. I don't blame him. He does love our father. He just refuses to pity him. I accept that. "He can take responsibility for his own dam life. When he decides what he wants to do, and how he wants to do it, I'll help. You tell me when, where and how much, and I'll help. But I am not going to run that man's life for him...." And that is the nice version of his tirade. But... I understand. Agree? No. Understand? Yes.
My two little sisters are worthless in asking for assistance... I don't even bother.
My dad, because of his various illnesses and LONG list of medications and age... is quickly reaching the point where he's going to have to make a move... and is even indicating that he's ready to make that move. Soon.
The manipulation part comes into play because he wants me to believe that this is an unsolvable problem for him... one that is just beyond him to make. Bllsh!t. I just know that he won't solve his own problem, and I am going to help him -- but ONLY to keep this from becoming a bigger problem for me down the road. Self-preservation can be a mighty motivator.
He only makes about $800 a month from his Soc. Sec. He has no other retirement funds.
THAT is a problem. It is dam hard to live on $800 a month, I don't care who you are.
He doesn't want to live with me... and that's okay with me. We did a trial run of this last winter when he came to stay with me for a month.
But. I am now faced with finding options... and I have no clue where to start. Has anyone been through this, and is there a good place to find GOOD information to help me?
Corri Near my town there is a housing authority referred to as "Section 8 Housing."
There are also 6 big apartments for the elderly. All have cafeteria style dining halls. The residents pay a percentage of their income to live in the apartments one big room with a private bath) There are also several clusters of mini-apartments on the ground floor. No meals served in those units but “Meals on Wheels” delivers food to many of those residents.
I saw similar units in other towns when I serviced hearing aids.
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