Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? why don't I listen to my own stories?

You know, I'm laughing, but it sure ain't funny. WTF was I thinking?!



If I plan something, then he offers to do something and I stick with my original plan, I think I will not have that great of a time.



I need a dose of confidence. If I felt like I was Beyonce', I wouldn't hesitate to make my own plans. My "fear" is that if I become unavailable, he will start hanging out 'platonically' with women when I can't see him; and then god knows what would happen.

Agent99.. I understand, really I do. And there's probably a balance... but can I share this?



My H didn't express it at the time, but later on was clearly pi$$ed that I did this. He knew I had plans, knew I broke them to be with him, and saw it as desparate, needy, and showing no backbone, "more of the same." I'd say maybe it's ok to SOMETIMES break the plans, but not always.

If this doesn't apply to you then ok... but you just sound sooo much like me, trying to help you avoid the same mistakes so you're better off down the line.



So first.. act as if you're Beyonce!! Ok, I realize that's not realistic, but really... act irresistable. If it helps to sing "Irreplaceable" at the top of your lungs repeatedly, go for it.

And second... I sooo get that fear. But know what? You have no idea what he's doing most of the time. He may well be screwing around with other women before he hangs out with you, and immediately after. (doesn't sound like it from what you've said, but it's possible). Yes, you know he's not with any other women when he's with you, but that's about it. You have no actual proof about the rest of the time. And, you have no control over this, all you have control of is moving forward with YOUR life.

So what do you do? Make yourself needy and constantly available to your H? Or make yourself strong, independent, and sometimes available if he plays his cards right??

I think that's true to a degree. This is not the time to shut him out and play hard to get. But it doesnt mean that you have to sit at home waiting for him to call either.

How about: act like you are (monogamously) dating someone, at the "initial" stage.
You still might do things "on your own", but:
a) you wouldnt do something that you wouldnt want them to know about
b) you would probably be open to them coming with you and sharing the experience.

Soooo... think of fun things for you to do... make plans for them... invite him.. and if he comes along, have a great time together, and if he doesnt, have a great time without him

That way, you are clearly not "unavailable". yet at the same time, you are not "dependant" on him either.

That is good to know. I have been following your thread and totally see our similarities.

I have just been reading "extrovert & introvert in love" and actually can see that when we are home too much (where I am perfectly happy) it truly makes him depressed and lethargic. I can also accept that I NEED to have my "down" time. Personally, I believe that he and I could come up with a compromise that worked for both. However, after being such an idiot and bringing up Retro', I will certainly NOT be bringing up how to effectively combine our two temperaments.

A mutual friend of ours is celebrating a job success this Saturday at "our" bar, so I did call and ask if he wanted to go and he seemed pleased and said 'sure'.

I saw my IC yesterday and was relaying how he was complaining about the lack of couple friends we had and she really called him out on that. (I sure wish he would have been there.) Basically, she immediately said "who did he invite over? What couples does he want to be friends with?" Of course, there was no one I could list off. And it became crystal clear that I was taking on a lot of the responsibility for something that was not totally my fault. In fact, it's hardly my fault. I was totally internalizing what he said.



Okay- I pick strong and independent.

I went to a class on Mastering the Law of Attraction last night. It's not what you think. Well, maybe it is. It turned out to be very much about finding peace in the moment and being "ok" with what "is". During the class, he instructed us to visualize a dream of what we want for the future, what emotions come from that?" One person said that they imagined being healthy; that it felt very "free." *I*, on the other hand, ended up crying. My dream was that H would come back and we would be happy--but I couldn't get past the feelings of longing that I have right now or the fear that he would never come back totally. Bleh!

The teacher was trying to encourage us to be comfortable with the "unknown". I have SO much growth to do in that area. In DB land, that would probably be about detaching. So very, very hard.

Now there's an interesting solution. Thanks!

Dom, how's your sitch going?

Wow this sounds like a great class!! I'm sorry you ended up crying, but sounds like it may have been the healthy kind of cry. I had a moment like this in a relaxation exercise that we did in a meeting I went to also. You know what is really freeing though? Removing H from the picture of that future that you're dreaming of. Picture what it is that you want to GET from that R, but not the specific person. Try to make him "faceless" in your mind... it'll help you focus on what it is that you want, I bet.



Sounds like a great place to start writing some goals for yourself, to me.

Quick update while I wait for him to get ready so we can go grab a bite and do something.
He was unable to make it over until 7:30pm last night. As I mentioned before, I was disappointed because I thought we would have Friday day-Sunday morning together. But, I was thrilled to see him, (even if it was later than I hoped for.)
I was lookin' pretty fine and was glad to finally get to talk to him. I was pretty animated with several of my stories from this past week. He was obviously happy to see me.

At dinner I asked if he ever missed me during the week (the opportunity presented itself) and he said "sure." "I really miss you when I see you." He said that he was bummed out that he wasn't able to come over til last night. I was like "yeah? you were bummed about it?" He was like "Well Yeah!!" That made me feel good.

Went to our bar to celebrate our friend's job. Lots of the regulars were there which is great. We had a great time. He was pretty funny because there was this YOUNG kid hitting on me when H went outside to smoke (26 YO) and so H was extra attentive when he would return.

Last night, when we ML he said ILY SO many times. It was wonderful. He was tender with me. He looked in my eyes nearly non-stop. He kissed the parts of my body he knows I am most self-conscious about. I was afraid this morning (once the alcohol was fully worn off) that he would be distant. But he was even more sappy this morning. Moving the hair away from my face. Just so tender. He said ILY a few times (not as much as the night before) but his eyes said it.

He says that he often thinks to himself that he doesn't know WTF he is doing. He just needs to know that he REALLY wants to come back. (Me too!)

So, no, there are no plans for him to move back right now. I am continuing to pray that we can make the changes necessary to reconcile and turn our marriage into a dynamic/passionate one.

agent99, that sounds really lovely. it does. I'm so happy for you.

well.
Now he is kind of retreating. He had to do some work and so I let him work for awhile and then went into his pseudo office. I sort of gave him a come hither look. Nothing too overt; just a very friendly look.
He looks at me and says
"You"
"What me?"
"You!"

Of course you don't have the benefit of tone or inflection in this medium, but if you did- you would hear that he was "accusing" me of something. (Being too irresistable, perhaps ) Kinda like I tricked him or something. So, he is backing up some. It also could be that it is nearly 3pm and we still haven't eaten anything except for a piece of string cheese. He gets VERY grumpy when he is hungry; even though a lot of times he doesn't recognize it as hunger. I know that I am starting to get kinda pissy feeling right now.

Anyway, I guess I'll see what happens once our tummies are full.