I think you were right to insist that she treat you with respect, gave her boundaries re workplace, etc. What did you end up doing about it last night? Did you get papers from her?
I all I can say is she may be projecting on to you what she is feeling. Please don't take this the wrong way but if your accounts of her actions are accurate, she may be suffering from some sort of mental abnormality. Maybe the seizures have affected her, recommend she gets help and wait and see what happens. I know it hurts but cut ties for now give it time let her call you, and delay the divorce until she is checked out. Maybe she is not of sound mind.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
I'm kind of surprised she hasn't had you served with the papers... does she have a lawyer or is she trying to do this herself? I imagine the more you ignore her, or put this off, the angrier she's going to be... and the more she's going to blame you. This is a convenient excuse for anger, making everything your fault (i.e. she feels you ignore her, never listen to her, etc...), and helps her feel better about her behavior and any guilt (if you are so unreasonable, she believes she has a perfect right to do this).
Just continue to try and be calm in dealing with her. You will feel better about yourself and have no regrets... you won't be playing up to the anger or acting like the sort of guy she would want to leave. Unfortunately, if someone wants a divorce bad enough they can get one. It takes two people to make a marriage, and only one to make a divorce.
One more thing, if I were in your shoes I would calmly let my spouse know I'm aware of the OP. Affairs thrive in secrecy and sometimes once the secret is out the relationship deflates. Don't throw out blame or anger. Just be matter of fact.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
One more thing, if I were in your shoes I would calmly let my spouse know I'm aware of the OP. Affairs thrive in secrecy and sometimes once the secret is out the relationship deflates. Don't throw out blame or anger. Just be matter of fact.
I agree with Root. No blame but if you let them know you know it does release a little of the tension The good husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Phew! Well, kicking myself in the arse for some recent events. W began to call and text me two days ago demanding that I meet with her to get my "papers". No matter how respectful I was in response, she became more and more vindictive. Told her I would meet her within the next two days, but couldn't talk since I was at work. She insisted on visiting me at work to serve me my papers and when I calmly said "no", W left screaming voice mail saying she was coming no matter what and that I was going to sign the papers whether I like it or not. Told her via text that if she came into work I would have her escorted out by management or police if need be. She didn't like that much!
Next day the texts began again and finally called her in the afternoon. Her anger is very menacing for a 105 lb woman! Conversation was ok at first then turned into a blame game and name calling on her part, so finally let the cat out of the bag and interupted her rant with, "I don't want to hear another word about what is my fault when you have been cheating on me since the Spring with __________!!!". Oh yea, she didn't like being caught with this one! W tried every tactic to avoid admitting-laughing, denying, saying they were just friends etc. I simply held my ground and kept repeating ,"I am not a fool". Defensive turned to laughter and suddenly she was sweetly asking if I wanted to get together for a beer and talk about it! Whuh? So, I called her bluff, and she showed up about a half hour late to the tavern (Dang, should have left!). Her attitude was back to business though, and she demanded I sign the summons papers right there on the spot, and said there was nothing to talk about. I was duped, so I told her I would sign them on one condition: that she answer two questions honestly regarding the A (how long and was she in love with this loser?). She responded that it was none of my business and raised her voice as she told me, "Sign the f'in papers!". Said she doesn't love me anymore, and didn't feel a thing when she saw me walk in. I told her that would be pretty hard to do since she was being manipulated by a sweet talking slime ball like OM. Wow. I also told her she wasn't worth it, signed them and showed no emotion as I walked out of the tavern.
Ok, so I slid back on my DBing just a bit, but I can forgive myself since I am dealing with someone whose mental state is immune to most DB principals.
Get this... Three hours later, W sends me a text saying she hopes we can be friends again someday (in the form a a quoted song lyric). Whuh? When I asked her why she would want that she said because we once had a great friendship. Whuh? WTF? R u kidding me? W has had A, put false blame on me, convinced her parents that I am abusive to justify A, refused contact, insulted my mother, refused to help pay for any of her share of bills, raided our saving w/o notifying me, abandoned our M and left every possession we shared behind including every gift I ever gave her, tried to give my W ring back on my B-day (read other thread), cut ties with all mutual friends, attempted to sabotage me at work, and in two months has undone nearly every vow or promise she ever made to me, and she wants to be friends?
This has messed with my heart and my head so bad that I actually am trying to get out of the lease for my new apt, just to have enough money for therapy! SIL also confirmed that OMB (new one: Other Man Boy) has even met the parents already and yet they still think I am the one who is bad for their daughter! Whuh?
My T says that it is almost certain that W suffers from a possible number of illnesses (Borderline, Bipolar, Post Traumatic Stress, Histrionic), and that there is not much I can do about the M until she is willing to get help herself. Tried to talk to W about getting therapy too, and she said she already did while we were together and it didn't work out because the T was a "religious nut who tried to get her to join her cult!" (actually, a retreat for women to learn about self-empowerment and taking responsibility for their own feelings). Also reminded me that the other two T's were biased towards me....same ole' same ole' blah blah. I am caught in a whirlwind of love, compassion, forgiveness and disgust over all of this. Still wearing my ring and praying daily as W goes away for the weekend with this sleazball....DO still over her, DO wish I could help her, DO wish she would cut ties with him and get T, DO wish all of this never went down, DO feel like I could never trust her again, DO wish I actually could and had a reason to.
WOW hindsight, what a rough few days. I am so sorry. I am glad you calmly drew the lines and boundaries, but she seemed to cross them anyway. However, she seemed calmer, even if her text request (to be friends) was odd, at least it was calmer. What are you going to do now?
Well LWB, at this point I am dumbfounded. She is so ill that common reason doesn't apply to our sitch and DBing isn't very effective either. She is very intelligent and always seems to be two steps ahead of me (I am intelligent too, but this is a game of manipulation that W seems to be much more skilled at than I). Only hope is this: she delivered the papers herself, and in my state that can render the entire D illegal and it will be thrown out if I can get by on it. Will ask a lawyer friend about that one this week. I am also debating about seeing if I can have a psych evaluation done before anything moves further. My W is mentally and emotionally ill, and right now I don't think she is in any condition to be making these decisions. I could accept the D if I was certain she was in her right mind, but I, as well as my own T are certain she suffers a number of possible serious disorders. I love her so much, and want to forgive her through all of this, even though she is a on a mission to annialate our life together.
