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Wow... what lovely, personal support I find in that statement for my adoration of the Harmonic Oscillator equation. Even the words 'harmonic' and 'oscillate' speak of it.

Sorry, all, couldn't resist. It has been, like, FOREVER since I mentioned the HO Equation in one of my posts... tsk, tsk, tsk... getting lazy...

Corri

Fearless - I've been thinking about this between your past comments about anger and the comments on EQ about feelings being feminine.

Martelo - Nowhere did I say that men don't have emotions or that emotions are solely for girls.

I didn't think I insinuated that you did. Mostly the comments over there got me thinking about how society in general views feelings and thinking about my own viewpoint. I had even forgotten who wrote what and what exactly was said.

It was not my intent to libel your good name on the boards

True, but perhaps a deeper problem is that I was falsely buoyed by "success" in the recent past, when it is clear that it was driven more by a hormone surge than any true changed feelings. And I truly don't want a bag of tricks to pull out. I was just acting in ways that I thought would bring about results, both internally and in how others perceive me. Kindof like reciting the affirmations even though you don't believe them until you do.



Well, the question I am now asking myself is "have I been doing the right things, or have I just been going backwards while fooling myself?"



I have been trying to do such things. I "instituted" date nights every other week, but many have been cancelled for one reason or another (one W was sick, another babysitter couldn't make it at last moment, etc.). I've planned to do our next one this Thursday. I would love to have more company over to do fun stuff, and that's a fight I think I'm winning ... slowly. I have seen a little progress on convincing her to go on me on some of my school trips (at least the ones where we could have some fun together that are not all just sitting around in meetings). She is slowly coming out of her mom shell.

Chrome

I'm not sure I understand what you mean.



I have confronted on this issue, with no change. The "funny" thing is that she realizes how damaging the late night browsing is, and will often complain loudly upon going to bed "why do I do this to myself" or the next morning "I'm so sleepy" but yet will not change the behavior. Perhaps it has reached the level of addiction.

Chrome

Hence the problems inherent in labeling anything "masculine/feminine" as opposed to perhaps "fire/water" or something like that.

Chrome, I think you're back in the Center of the universe chair. Not the "entitled" one ... the "everything is my fault" one.

Maybe on other occasions your "playful" approach might have worked for you, because it was what appealed to *her* at that moment. You're not a mind reader. And she sounds like a complicated woman with a full raft of her own issues; pressing lever A (ANY lever A) is not always going to get reaction B; nor should it.

I'm sort of on Martelo's page here ... let yourself, your dreams and desires, be known. That absolutely can and should be different from "let yourself be a whiny nag".

I'm all for taking responsibility for the things that you might indeed be doing better at. But over-immersion in that headspace can be a trap. If everything is your fault, then everything is fixable. You just have to figure out exactly what to do and make that change. The illusion of total control ... it's seductive, but what a lie.

Edited to add: And *may* lead to a lot of uneccessary and counterproductive flailing around in pursuit of trying to do the "right (translation: perfect) thing".

Corri,

Yeah, I do realize that I'm about a half-dozen posts behind replying to your thoughts about QM and HO and cosmology and all that. Feel like resuscitating all that? Perhaps not the best time with all the EQ stuff floating around?

Chrome

Chrome:

That wasn't a nudge at you... thought it might put a smile on your face. We'll get to it someday.

Corri

Chrome,

Cobra:
I think your joking is to avoid hurting her feelings and thus getting rejected yourself.
Chrome:
I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

What I mean is that I think there is a line you are walking (that I have walked too) between avoiding rejection and putting yourself out there and asking for sex. In trying to balance those two, I have avoided making a direct request and instead asked the question in a way to give her an automatic out. My fear was the vulnerability of rejection, so the request was not direct. Joking can be like this too in that there is no direct request, so there is nothing for her to directly turn down which would hurt you. Furthermore, because the joking approach saves her from having to turn you down, she does not have to feel guilty, frustrated or angry with you for asking in the first place. You fear her anger (which is justified since some women can use anger as an excuse to cut off sex), so it feels safer to keep her happy.

I see the kids do this with my W all the time. They might want permission to go somewhere or buy something, so if W is a little grumpy, they will go on and on diverting her from the question and joking with her. Once her mood rises enough, then the chances of her turning down their request out of anger fall dramatically. The only obstacle left is for her to base her decision on the merits of the request. The kids know that she can turn down a request for no other reason than she is in a bad mood about something. So they try to eliminate this factor first, to have a fair chance at a decision.

Cobra, it cuts both ways. I have at times made advances in a light-hearted humorous "no harm no foul" way *exactly* for the reasons you state. So he doesn't feel pressured thus guilty, angry, or frustrated with me for asking in the first place. For a variety of reasons, true, not all of them particularly differentiated. But when you get right down to it, a guilty/angry/frustrated partner (especially if LD) is rarely a lustful partner. So it's been to my benefit to 'defuse with humour'; sometimes it works.

Yeah. I hate it here.



I do realize that, and I'm not looking for an automaton. I do really like the chase. I just let frustration overwhelm me when she is not in the mood to be chased and I am in the mood to chase.



I thought I had, perhaps I was wrong.



I agree. Like I said earlier, I think I allowed a false success earlier delude me into thinking I was doing better. And then when things weren't going so well, it hit me harder than I thought and I reacted with misplaced anger.



And pray that the you are truly changing what needs to be changed in the right way.



I like the thought of my W freely giving me her heart, I don't want total control of it, despite the way my actions may make it seem.

Chrome