Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again All hope is lost/help

Disapointed,
Has H felt like a mug the whole time you have been together? Have the Girls always been an issue for him? If not Welcome to the MLC world!!!!!

The average they say is 2 to 5 years for MLC. My H was about 2 years(lucky for me).

It's very important for you to read and do what the Divorce Remeady books tell you to do. It won't be a gaurantee that your M will be saved but it is the best chance you have.

Read posts on this site, there really are a lot os sucsess stories here.I really don't think that many M's end up in D.

H may think you are burying your head in the sand but as you keep the changes going and create mystery he will start wondering.

Notice any positives(and you need to look for the smallest ones too) and keep track of what is and isn't working. Make changes that bring about reaction from H.

I don't think that we, or at least I lost any respect for H/'s because what you have to remember is that this is an illness and not something they wanted to happen to them either. Although they may think they want this stuff at the time.

They will be hurting once they realize what they have done.

Sit and think about the R and what you have done day in and day out and do something differant(180's) these things did bring about change In my H. IE: (initiating SE% or rubbing his back) these are things I knew he liked that I was just to tired to do but once I started things changed. It took months but those were just a couple of things amoung many that I did differant to help bring about change in what had become a mundane, same old M.

Your H won't offer clarity because there is none when it comes to MLC. HE may be able and willing to talk once he is through this. My H unfortunatly is not a talker so I may never hear anything about his journey to the unknown and how he feels about what happened to us through his crap. H also had an EA that I did confront him with.

I think your H should be proud that he stepped up to the plate and took over raising your girls when their dad couldn't be bothered. Have you told him that?

JAK

It's been a long road, and only recently did I even played with the thought of "I can't take it anymore"
And just recently I have asked myself what I see in him. He's changed so much, he istn' at all the man I married, then again, I wasn't the woman he married during the latter part of my M, so that's when I stop judging, because I'm not blameless. No, I didnt' have an A, but I was not true to my vows and disrespected my H and pushed him away emotionally (talked down to him, nagged, treated him like a child, putting him last on my list, too tired to ML with him even as he begged me to)
I am ambivalent a bit, I know in my heart I want this to work, I'm just pretty hurt right now and taking it one day at a time. Yes, I do love him, but now I won't be the one carrying the M and expect him to pull his weight too, I won't give up as long as he is trying (he's home, going to T).

Right now your H isnt' there yet, my H had to go through a bad MLC a year ago to then realized it was all a chimera and that giving his M a second chance was worth it.


Funny thing about love, we, LBS or cheated ones, only remember the romantic love we had at the beginning of the M. The MLCer is rewriting history and, for now, he "thinks" he wasn't really in love. Love is a decision not a feeling, so in order to leave he might tell you ILYBNILWU, to give him an excuse to leave.
I'm struggling right now with that problem, my H told me he has no connection with me now (almost like saying he doesnt love me) it shattered me, but someone told me I'm being negative and that the fact that he hasn't those feelings for me now doesn't mean he wont' have them later. The things is, my H is very messed up mentally, he admits it and it devastates him that he isn't right, he wants to make things right but first he has to fix himself to them focus on us.

MLC paint the past in dark colors, all my H remembers now is my bitterness, none of the good times. So that's how your H might be feeling.


yea, I used to "punish" my H with those same negative actions, that has to stop altogether, ok? read "the proper care and feeding of husbands" it is an eye opener.


if he didnt' do it before he's sure not going to start now. YOU do it. Casually, like i'd be the same to you if he came along or not "there is a concert/show this saturday, I think it'd be fun". Half the time he might say no, you act cool...and you GO anyways--not out of revenge, but to GAL. No more mind games, no more sarcasm.

Now really confused, please help.

Sorry not had time to post over the weekend.

Had a really good weekend. Went to a friend's party - on my own... 1st hour was tough, put I knew a few people and then more people started to talk to me. It ended up a brilliant night, great to let my hair down and enjoy myself.

Got in really late (for me), cuddled up to H. Must have fallen asleep because I woke up with him hugging upto me. No words or kisses were exchanged but H iniated LM!! Not a lot of passion, just perfunctory. I haven't read too much into it and it hasn't been mentioned since.

He was talking about a weekend away in December with a friend. He told me, not asked, but thats ok as i'm planning the same with girl friends in Feb. My question is - he hasn't left.. is he likely too? Where do i go from here? I'm hoping these are positive signs, but I'm too vulnerable and frightened to think otherwise.

Also, I can't find the post now, but somebody mentioned reading 'how to treat your husband', where do I find this?

My H is not a talker, the issues are still there, how do you start DB or piecing when he has unresolved issues.

Disappointed. xx

My question is - he hasn't left.. is he likely too?
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One could go crazy thinking of these things, would he? could he? tomorrow? in 2 months? No one knows, dont' live in fear of this, take it one day at a time.
Yes, you are very hurt and right now nothing feels safe, it wont, for the longest time, you'll be waiting for the "other" shoe to drop. Don't try to get in his head nor try to guess the future. Work with what you have now, for your own sanity.

The book I mentioned, dont' know if that's the one you are refering to is called "the proper care and feeding of husbands" it is painful to read as it shows how many women let themselves go and put kids ahead of their Hs and push them away, it's done without malice but it damages many Ms.

If your H is not talkign and won't see a C you might just have to back away a bit and let him work things on his own. Make time, at least every other week to go alone, just the 2 of you for an activity, anything, dancing, yoga, biking, whatever. Even he there is no R talk (sometimes that's better) you start build a connection.

ops! silly prev button! my last paragrah should've read "even if there is no R talk... you start to build a connection.

Disappointed,
Not that I can consider myself a success story yet, but things are looking up for my R. I know there's a long road ahead of us, but I think a lot of the things I learned from DBing really helped. Give the space. Have patience (lots of it). Keep the PMA.

One thing that seemed to make a difference in my case were times when I put my foot down with regards to the whole situation. I'm not sure this is in the DBing books, but there were a couple of times when I got fed up with things and pushed the envelope. I think this may have helped snap the W back to reality and really think about what she was doing.

Everyone's situation is different, but I'm amazed at how many similar stories I read on here. There's lot's of good advice here already for you. Keep doing what your doing, but also don't be afraid to do the 180s to stir things up once in a while.

Ok my bubble has burst...

I think my H wants me to have a PMA and to GAL, it would ease his burden. I feel we are living separate lives but still together..and that that in the end will drive us apart because we'll have nothing left in common.

Cat - you are right, we need somehow to start to connect. I know its about making time, but he seems to spend a lot of time at work (his work is 7 days and unsociable hours).

He doesnt come to bed at the same time as me, often hours later, b/c he says he cant sleep, then if he could he would lie in until mid-morning. I'm the one who has to sort the K's out. He agrees to one day at the weekend to get up with them and let me have a lie in and then when it comes to it he never does.

Disillusioned - thanks for replying, I have dipped in and out of your posts and read with inspiration, although I feel unqualified to post to you, but i'm glad you have posted to me. I to feel I could explode, but thats same old same old, a 180 for me is to learn patience and bite my tongue, very hard when I feel unsupported and unappreciated and it doesnt stop my resentment?

Cat - thankyou for your continued support, you always say what I need to be told. Sometimes you can't see teh wood for the trees and you offer such clarity. Have you posted recently, I would like to catch up with your stitch.

I have always iniated LM and been rejected. 2 yrs ago I found by chance some viagra tablets and confronted H as it was such a shock. He said the problem was his and he had sought help for it. He's not taking them now as there is no pressure to ML. Would it help to start piecing if I were to start iniating again? (and of course I may be rejected). I dont want any R talks about boundaries as BTDT which solved nothing, so i'm working blind folded on trying to DB.

I'm reading Michele's 'sex starved marriage' atm, but my problem is about trying to establish a connection not mis matched sex drives.

Look forward to hearing from you.

xxx

you dont' know that for sure, stop forture telling and coming with such conclusions. In a healthy R, each partner should be in charge of their own happiness to begin with, if your mood depends on what the other person does/says, something is very wrong.

My H also has the worst hrs, but we were able to steal 1-2hrs here and there to see a movie, go out to eat.

Yea, I've posted, there are two pity parties there, LoL, so watch out. We are all allowed a little drama now and then, we just have to be careful not to be toxic to our Ss when it happens.

About ML, is there no presure because you are both in agreemtent to take time off or because you decided to give it a rest for the time being? How does he feel about holding hands, hugs? test the waters that way, then maybe go for cuddling and see if he is receptive.

A year or so ago, my SL got started because I initiated most of the time, had I not, we prob wouldnt' have had any for months (H still bewildered from broken A). So, in some cases it helps if the LBS initiates.

Thanks Cat for the advice.

I shall suggest some time out, I think the cinema is the best option for now. I was DB until we had a R talk about 2 weeks ago when H said he 'thought' he needed to move out. It was a back slide for me, as I thought we were doing ok. I said some stuff that on reflection I shouldn't have said and I feel guilty about now. I feel as if I have become stronger in the last 2 weeks and no longer have the same fear about him moving out.

My H often mirror images my behaviour ie if i'm nice, he'll be nice, if I phone during the day he will (although yesterday i ignored a text and he commented on it later). Mind games do not work with him and it drives me insane when he does it to me. I have said to him to not do it to me and to be kind and respectful to me and i'm learning not to do it to him.

The problem is he said we get on like friends and in this current mood, all seems ok on the surface, but I obviously want more connection and intimacy with him. I feel that I hardly know him at all, our current relationship is how we have been for the past few years except i now have the knowledge of how he truely feels.

He said he didnt want to be intimate with me anymore, yet we have been. It sends a confusing signal. Does he do it out of a need just for sex or out of desire?

I forgot to mention that another issue maybe finances (apart from the issue with my D's from PM). WE have a property abroad and the mortgage is crippling us. We bought it as an investment, we rent it out, but the cash is tied up abroad. It has crippled us for the last 4 years. I think it has been a noose around his neck and a huge pressure. It was a risk for me to do, but i backed him on it. It is on the market now, so i'm hoping for a quick sale. I have asked him if he is waiting until it sells before he moves out? His answer was 'no', but this was around the time of bomshell, and we haven't talked about it since.

Just a bit cross that I also seem to have to clear up after him, dirty plates, sock etc. I work full time as well.....

I'm getting the impression from you cat, that I have nothing to lose from iniating almost everything, but perhaps I am frightened of the rejection, but If I don't try, i'll never know will I.

Can anyone offer clarity or advise?

I feel as if I have become stronger in the last 2 weeks and no longer have the same fear about him moving out.
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You are on the right path there, as hard as it would be, picture yourself with him gone, how would you handle things? make a plan, that way you wont' feel as lost and helpless.

I always, always discourage mind games, sarcasm, any kind of manipulation to get a reaction out of spouses. We must be true to ourselves, be ourselves and mean what we say and not try to get yank our S's chain to make them respond the way we want them to.

About being intimate, that's a tough issue, it took my H a while before he was able to initiate and mean it, not just to humor me. I wonder if your H is depressed, that's the other reason SL suffer, I see he has irregular working and sleeping schedules, that affects SL a lot, and maybe he feels selfcouncious about taking viagra or going to a dr about it.

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Just a bit cross that I also seem to have to clear up after him, dirty plates, sock etc. I work full time as well.....
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that'd be you, me and my 2 older sisters In the past I would've mumble or complain loudly to him while washing dishes or harrasing him about his socks in the stairs. They are grown men now, and no amount of nagging will make things better, only the opposite. I often have to remind my H about the pile of dishes on the sink. He starts washing when I come home because just then he remembered, but... he does them! because I made it so when I remind him I do it gently "hon, dont' forget the dishes ok?" not "you didnt' do the dishes again? do I have to do it all?"

It's a lost battle, socks and dishes, most men wont' do it out of the goodness of their hearts, we must work on getting things done while using gentle words. When my H attempts to put his sweaty shirt on the kitchen chair I dont's screach anymore "are you crazy? that's disgusting!" I tell him "you can put that in the white laundry basket in our room" and he does not mind and does it.

Yea, I got rejected plenty of times, but remember that pressure will accomplish the total opposite of what you want.