Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, #4

update from talk with friend about the difference between males/females WAS/LBS: the one thing she did say, and this is not across the board, of course, but generally many women will use sex for power, while men will see it/use it merely for pleasure. obviously this is not true for every person, but it does often trend that way. so the reason a WAH might be more inclined to have sex with a female lbs is because it is about pleasure, and that a female lbs might be more inclined to have sex with a wah because they might see it as a way to gain power. of course, the reality is, the wah is just getting pleasure, not sacrificing power or changing in any way. as for a WAW, they already feel like they have power, so no need for sex with the male LBS.

I thought that was interesting. we talked about my own situation. I think she is disappointed that I went that route, but she understood it and made me promise I would careful and really understand my motivations and also understand that his may not be what I wish they were (no matter how blase I may sound about it). she also recommended that I have the conversation with H today about it..make it clear to him that I understand this was just a f-buddy moment, that I do not think there is more to it for him or for myself.

One thing I am sure of, this was not a spur-of-the-moment thing for H. He planned the whole weekend around it, or at least around the idea of seeing what the chemistry *could* be like.

A man who was happy with his sex life would not do all that, and risk getting the whole separation thing out of whack, just to see if he could "have" you. Something is amiss in OW-ville.

Maybe something went wrong between them because of the new job. Maybe she is pressuring him to file for D. Maybe she was pressuring him to bring the kids to the beach, knowing that would start a conflict, to see what side he would come down on.

Maybe he is just having second thoughts. And before dumping OW he wanted to be sure that the path home was smooth.

Sorry, I know that you already spend too much time wondering what he is thinking, and I don't see any need for you to find out why his thinking has changed. But I think it has.

My point is, it would be a shame to tell him it was a f-buddy moment when he was about to tell you he wanted to come home.

thanks for the input, my3sons. unfortunately I think the things you posted are what I would like it to all be about, but my gut tells me differently. well, time will tell.

here's my update. H called around 5:30 to tell me he was on his way and asked if I was planning on running out while he was here. I said yes, just had some errands, but they weren't vital. turns out his old boss asked him to meet for dinner so he only had an hour to spend with the kids. I gave him the out, nicely, if he wanted to come tomorrow instead. he said me might come tomorrow as well, if I didn't mind, but really wanted to see the kids. that made me happy...I worry that he'll become distant from them.

I did run out while he was here and was home just as he was putting them to bed. weird to put them to bed together, its been a long time since that happened. we were helping them brush teeth when H asked me what the bruises on my arms were. um, dude, you put them there. he was shocked. I wasn't kidding when I said he bruised me during the grope-fest on saturday. he asked if I took pics of them (I had joked about it at the time) and I looked shocked and said, why would I? I mean, yes, I'm bruised, but it wasn't like he was being abusive, it wasn't. he had no idea how hard he grabbed me. he said, "I don't know where your head is at." I literally almost choked on that, laughed, and said "my head?" the freak. he got my point, and laughed, too.

that was as far as any conversation went with us. there wasn't time, and it wasn't the time (he was nervous about the meeting with his old boss).

he did keep asking if I was okay, and I just said yeah. again, not the time to have a deeper discussion, whether the f-buddy one or one that was more involved/different tact.

and that was that. and now I am listening to my daughter scream her head off, she misses her daddy and nothing I am doing is helping her. she is just overtired and sad and I've sung/hugged her and comforted her, and now she just needs to go to sleep and this SUCKS.

my3sons, WOW to all your wrote!!! I never thought of some of those things, for sure.

Glad the exchange went well for you. He seemed worried about how you were, huh? LOL at "My head?"

Oh and I am very happy about him wanting to see the kids, that makes my heart happy.

thanks, lwb.

he never called so no idea how the dinner meeting went. guessing not well, work wise. but who knows. will find out when he calls tomorrow. I just feel sick about the whole thing. he is so stressed, so full of mlc fog and crap that adding this to the mix is not good...I'm afraid he's going to lose it even more.

I am happy about him wanting to see the kids, and I do know he worries about me/wants me to be okay, but that doesn't really change things between us, ya know? just means he's an ass, but not a total dick, like I've said before.

the my head thing was funny, though, and a nice acknowledgment at just how messed up he is. I think he even realizes it. and he said as he was leaving that he was sorry that he had to run off. normally he does just leave, but maybe he wanted to talk? or maybe he was just bummed that he didn't have that much time with the kids.

okay, s_o_t_s is going to come after me for making this all about H again. lol. must stop, must stop, must stop.

nothing to do about anything here, but can i just say I did tae bo yestday for the first time in a year and today my ass is KILLING me. ouch ouch ouch. its actually starting to distract me from my problems. so maybe a good thing. lol.

see, there I go again, avoiding anything real...although really, it is part of me GAL and doing stuff for me, so hey, maybe not so far off. I have been doing really good at GAL stuff, the more I think about it, so that is a huge proud. I've reached out to people I don't know well, I've re-connected with old friends, I've even started the october db boston meet. so hey, I'm doing pretty good, gal wise. yay me. now I just need to really figure out what my ayers rock/vespa is. the social stuff is fun, but I know there is more to ME than I have allowed to grow. no idea why I have such a hard time with that.

TaeBo! What is UP with Billy's tank top? LOL But yes, that stuff can kick your hiney!! Good job, did you picture H's face when you step forward and punched? lol

It seems like H did want to stay around and talk tonight. Maybe nervous energy, but look who he went to? You. And the kids.

Watch out S O T S is gonna find you. lol

lol. ahhh, billy. I have several tapes and crack up at some of the outfits. yeah, tae bo definitely has some great benefits, doesn't it? heiny-wise, but also getting out aggression wise.

Did your D cry because Daddy tucked her in and then left? Do they miss him or are they used to him being on his schedule? My H has not done the tooth brushbath time bed routine in about three months. I wonder if he misses it at all? I love it. I love bedtime. It is 5AM that sucks, but maybe I can reclaim it by working out or journaling too. Thanks for the inspiration.

Morgan, You sound closer to reconciliation. Tread carefully. Reread DR if you must. Those MLC creatures are fickle and not rational.

mk, yeah, I think she wanted one last kiss/hug from H, but he was gone. she really misses him...starts every single day telling me she misses him and wants him to come home. in case I ever need motivation to try to save my marriage if its salvageable, that gets me every time. last night I went up to her again and she finally calmed down and was able to sleep. my heart broke for her, though.

I don't think we are even half a step closer to reconciliation. I really don't. but I guess time will tell. I certainly am not thinking in those terms. I guess I just see so much that needs to change in order for us to reconcile. I guess time will tell.

he just called. I asked how things went with his old boss last night and things are still up in the air. interesting, though, what H had to deal with. H has always been a pretty popular employee...well liked, great reviews, etc, etc. this boss and he clash a little, but its never been an issue, never been in a review or even brought up to him as an issue. well, dinner last night apparently was his boss telling him all the things he was unhappy with H about over the last year.

I just thought the parallel was interesting. H said he couldn't believe the stuff boss was saying, that boss had never let h know boss was unhappy at all, that he felt like boss has forgotten all the good and focused on only any bad that might have been.

gee, h, kind of like you've done with me, ass.

anyway, its still up in the air, it all comes down to boss...boss holds all the cards. wonder if I should get H a copy of db to apply to his work life?


enough about him. going to concentrate on me the rest of the day.

Hi morgan.

Good grief. I'd forgotten what it's like to follow on w/ newcomers. So much to address, so little time. I'll hit some of the highlights.

what it all will mean for us/me. so much out of my control...and typical, hard for me to let go, when really, there is no point for me even thinking/worrying about it at all.

Don't think we all don't struggle with this too.

I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice, the wrong decision

Are "wrong" decisions immutable and irreversible?
Not very often.

being the hero means real forward movement, and that scares me sometimes. so much easier to sit back and feel the pain and the fear.

Facing fear is difficult, that's for certain. But I do know this: what we worry about is usually well out of proportion to what actually happens.

I recall being a kid and getting in trouble. My mother always told me to go to my room and wait until my father got home before the punishment was meted out.

The time spent there thinking about what might happen was always far worse than what really happened.

so I have to do what he did, and what so many others have... gird my loins and have at it.

But remember what this really means... It does not mean that you're giving up on him and/or your M. It means that you're going to move forward for you, knowing you're going to come out of all of this OK no matter what the outcome.

I sometimes wonder if its even me scared of making the wrong decision, but rather just scared of making the right one.

But maybe the scariest one is not making one at all.

I work myself into a boil about something (like the office stuff), completely distract myself from myself and any forward movement, and then poof, its all gone...except I'm still not focused on myself.

I put this up there as a perfect example of why you can't worry about what he's thinking... what it all means. IMO, nobody can know what's going on in his head, and the office example clearly demonstrates the futility of trying to figure it out. So divining his motivations/thoughts as:

• this was not a spur-of-the-moment thing for H
• A man who was happy with his sex life would not do all that
• Something is amiss in OW-ville.

Well, one could just as easily imagine other possibilities here too. And unless you know the truth (you don't and may never), they're all possible.

Which is why you focus on you, and move forward for you.

and a nice acknowledgment at just how messed up he is. I think he even realizes it.

I guess I didn't see it that way...

I do know he worries about me/wants me to be okay, but that doesn't really change things between us, ya know?

You got this one. My XW was always afraid that I'd off myself and then she'd have to feel guilty about it for the rest of her life. That was the motivation for her concern. So, even the seemingly human act of concern may have different meaning than one would like to believe.

okay, s_o_t_s is going to come after me for making this all about H again.

I don't think I'd ever "come after" you; so if this comes across as being attacking or hammering away at your failures, that's not the intent.

I actually think you're quite grounded. More like you need a little nudge to help get back on track as you're about to derail.

avoiding anything real...although really, it is part of me GAL and doing stuff for me, so hey, maybe not so far off. I have been doing really good at GAL

Doing things that are a) distracting and b) make you feel better?

That's the point. Don't sit still and let all of this consume you.

yay me.

Got that right. Don't forget to remind yourself of these times the next time you aren't doing so well.

I don't think we are even half a step closer to reconciliation. I really don't. but I guess time will tell. I certainly am not thinking in those terms. I guess I just see so much that needs to change in order for us to reconcile. I guess time will tell.

I find it intruiging that someone so new can write this.

I find the writings of inmyplace to be quite enlightening and I rather hope he makes it to the Boston GAL meet.

But I've had this discussion w/ others here and imp makes the same point. There's only one SIGN that really matters and that's when they walk through the door and say they are back and want to work on things.....

Everything else is just obsessing about the meaning of small details where one only has a few pieces of the puzzle. And by now everyone should realize how fruitless that is. Perhaps a useful denial strategy to help us cope? Maybe. But what we should be striving to do is to move forward and forge a better life where we are OK no matter which outcome happens.

This only happens when you're ready to make it happen, though.
Everyone has their own timetable for that one.

wonder if I should get H a copy of db to apply to his work life?

I wonder if he would make the connection to other parts of his life?

enough about him. going to concentrate on me the rest of the day.

Good for you. But I must ask...

By doing????

Because I always said I was going to do stuff like that, but unless I made specific plans I tended to sit around and think too much.

And one more thing...

this SUCKS.

No doubt about that one.

I feel right along with you, morgan.

Take care,