Yeah... maybe if you read the validation/invalidation chapter... you would change your own comments from above. Maybe not. I'd be interested in knowing if you would, though, before I respond.
Trust/Safety are the Ying and Yang of a marriage. Sex has NOTHING to do with this, but it is one of the first things that will suffer if you BOTH start ripping apart your Trust-Safety Nest... because you can't have MEANINGFUL sex without it!!!"
I can't agree with this more. After getting hit with the A-bomb in my first marriage, my trust in anyone was a hard thing to come by. I realize now that her affair was a blessing. It opened up a whole new opportunity for me that basically was be snuffed by her thinking that she was the Queen of the C.U. chair as some of you have put it.
I've since moved on and found a much happier place, but trust is still an issue. I better at it, but I still find myself with doubts at times and it really plays havoc on our relationship. 7 years later and I'm still feeling the effects of my ex ! It starts that spiralling loop, my lack of trust leads to her withdrawing, which intensifies our lack of intimacy, which leads me to more doubts and on and on and.......
I'm trying and having some success in trying to break the loop. I see the where and the what I need to be, just need to better figure out the how.
Gary
P.S. - Corri, the Aveeno bath seems to help - thanks _____________________________________________________________
"If you can't lick em, lick em" - Ted Nugent "D'ooh!!" - Homer Simpson
Again, Cobra, the goal of differentiation is NOT to block out anything.
I disagree with this. Differentiation is not to block out greater understanding or awareness of your partner, or greater knowledge of how you feel or what you feel, but it’s effect is to help block out or control the negative reactions and responses that you feel from someone else, either by their direct negative actions or their lack of validating you.
You are upping the validation (to help your partner get to a place of self-validation), and at the same time, you are STOPPING the invalidation you are throwing at your partner, thereby helping yourself to self-validate, or 'hang onto yourself, or... differentiate.
Yes, use differentiation to control your own responses to negative emotions, then give validation (aka healthy enmeshment) to support the other person who otherwise has not been able to reach full self-validation for whatever reason (possibly because s/he is human). The process creates an understanding or mutual respect and empathy, and therefore an emotional bond.
As for the online book, I’ve looked through the site, though I haven’t read everything in detail. The book itself does not give me any “clicks” like an “ahh hah” moment. Most of what I see I have read one place or another. The compilation in one place is nice though. The EQ test seems interesting. I would like to see how my wife scores. I suspect that she would think she can score rather high, but because I think her emotions is where most of her denial lies, her score might be lower. I will try to bring this site to her attention this weekend. Maybe something will click for her.
Imconfused,
I generally practice not talking about my work too much either. I will discuss it at times, mention neutral topics or the like, but I have always understood that men should leave the office at the office. Bringing it home opens up too much possibility to drag in all the negative crap that can occur. Then after a while the wife can feel like she is only there as a punching bag or something. At some point the feeling of validation and being included starts to wear off for her and changes to feeling like she is an emotional dumping ground (she gets enough of this from the kids). I think a lot of men understand this dynamic and therefore try to keep the office at the office.
I also think that most women do NOT understand this. My wife talks incessantly to anyone who will listen about all the crap at her school. I will listen for a while, but honestly it’s like a bottomless pit and a one way conversation. She does not want to hear my opinions or advice, so there is little more I can do but listen to something that is boring to me and frustrating too.
I certainly understand how my wife can feel like this if I were talking to her in this way about my work. So I don’t do it. She has figured out her side yet.
Yea, it's amazing what a little communication can do. I crunch numbers all day long at work, the last thing I want to do is talk about them when I get home. But unless I tell her this, how would she have ever known?
You've hit my wife on the head (or is it hit the nail on the head???) My wife's love language is QT and I have to admit that we have not had much of that lately. I've been making more of an effort to make what little time we do see each other, quality time.
Corri I read the chapter on validation/invalidation and it doesn't really change my mind on what I posted. I agree with what the author wrote for the most part but it seems like its missing a few dimensions to the concept.
My problem is that there is zero on self validation or positive self regard given in the authors concept. When speaking about invalidation the author just basically says it sucks and it hurts there is no counter for it no way or method to deal with it given.
It seems too simplistic and ignorant of many aspects of validation and invalidation and of the dynamics that can go on.
I'll have to read the whole thing but so far it's not really resonating with me so far.
*edit just re-read this and I'm really not sure about
"When someone validates us, we receive what we all yearn for: Acceptance, understanding, and a sense of connection"
I also think that most women do NOT understand this. My wife talks incessantly to anyone who will listen about all the crap at her school. I will listen for a while, but honestly it’s like a bottomless pit and a one way conversation. She does not want to hear my opinions or advice, so there is little more I can do but listen to something that is boring to me and frustrating too.
I'm pretty fortunate here as my wife has not reached that level. Either she senses that she is losing her audience or one of our 2 girls interupts by hanging from the chandelier or bites the dog.
Gary _________________________________________________________________
"If you can't lick em, lick em" - Ted Nugent "D'ooh !!" - Homer Simpson
My problem is that there is zero on self validation or positive self regard given in the authors concept. When speaking about invalidation the author just basically says it sucks and it hurts there is no counter for it no way or method to deal with it given.
That isn't true. He talks about self-validation in another part of the book... which makes talking about the book very difficult, if you haven't read the whole thing.
Quote:
just re-read this and I'm really not sure about
"When someone validates us, we receive what we all yearn for: Acceptance, understanding, and a sense of connection"
Why not? The intensity of it may vary, but validating is MORE than complimenting. And the intent of the validation can impact it. Validation, as the author discusses it... can be as simple as acknowledging that THE OTHER feels their opinion is valid. Which it is. That doesn't mean YOU think it is, nor does it mean that you even have to lie that your opinion differs in order to acknowledge them.
Even more important than that, is to not INVALIDATE them... disagreeing with their opinion does not constitute invalidation... it is HOW you disagree with the opinion that can be validating or invalidating.
I generally practice not talking about my work too much either. I will discuss it at times, mention neutral topics or the like, but I have always understood that men should leave the office at the office. Bringing it home opens up too much possibility to drag in all the negative crap that can occur. Then after a while the wife can feel like she is only there as a punching bag or something. At some point the feeling of validation and being included starts to wear off for her and changes to feeling like she is an emotional dumping ground (she gets enough of this from the kids). I think a lot of men understand this dynamic and therefore try to keep the office at the office.
Wow. You did a lot of assuming, and took all her ability to choose away from her. THIS is invalidating.
I also think that most women do NOT understand this.
Well... maybe because, one, you invalidate her, and two, you don't explain what you want/need from the conversation. So before you begin, you could:
1) I'm venting, I don't really want your opinions or feedback or suggestions. I'd just like you to listen.
2) I'm going to tell you how day went. I'd like your opinion on x, y, or z.
You can add other parameters as needed. If you define the parameters for her, it will help her give you what you want/need.
Quote:
My wife talks incessantly to anyone who will listen about all the crap at her school.
She's starved for meaningful connection, and will get it wherever/whenever she can... even if it is 'crap' connection.
Quote:
I will listen for a while, but honestly it’s like a bottomless pit and a one way conversation. She does not want to hear my opinions or advice, so there is little more I can do but listen to something that is boring to me and frustrating too.
No, she doesn't want your opinion. She wants the validation of your active listening. If nothing else, give her a time limit... and tell her that it is hard for you to 'actively listen' for more than 15 minutes... but you'd be willing to do it for 15 minutes each day. Or whatever it is you think you can honestly do for her.
