Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now I've done it

Hey, My H was thrilled to do the family bed with our D but not our S. He started sleeping in another room and became sleep deprived for two years. You know how they say that divorce solves no problems. It is true! My H's complaints were that the kids kept him from sleeping because he sleeps days. Now that he is homeless he cannot sleep anywhere during the day. He also complained that the stress was making him a bad father. Now he is a dead beat dad who only sees the kids a few hours at the pool or library. He also said he could not give me a life I wanted, meaning a bigger house-which was untrue- now we cannot afford one place much less two. It is crazy to think divorce solves any problems. My H was also unhappy in his work and dreamed about being an artist or poet, no money but his passion. well, now he has to get a civil servant job because my mom is firing him for having an affair and giving away free drinks to impress strippers in the club. Great.

Your plan sounds good except the finances. If seeing the bills means you are snoopingyou need to find another way. Maybe you can tell him that the cell and credit bills are exposing you to his affair and you need to find another way to handle finances. Otherwise your snooping will continue and that is bad for both of you. I had no idea how obsessed my H was until I saw the phone bill. It is crazy. Maybe H's get obsessed with the OW and have to call them all the time because they are so insecure and need a lot of reassurance. Maybe the OW are kind of like wh#$ and WS need control? I hate to dehumanize our Hs but that is uncharactersitic of a healthy man.

A weed ago, I e-mailed him (all busisness) with a formal financial proposal. I asked him to respond via e-mail. He has not, but I requested that he take over responsibility of his cell phone on our joint account, get his own checking acct, put the minivan (which he has taken leaving my to stuff our 3 kids in our 98 Saturn w/no A/C and only 2 working windows) in his name (requiring him to apply for a loan), and cut me a check every month. I made it very clear that I felt that he deserved his privacy along with his freedom, and that I did not want to see who he was talking to or where he was spending his money.

He responded by trying to cancel his phone, leaving me with a $200.00 bill and no way to contact him. He has not responded to the rest. He said he left the check to go direct deposit, however it is not there as of yet and should be. I'm hoping there is just a delay b/c of the holiday. The deadline I proposed for a check was the 10th of every month. So I guess I can't freak out til then. I just wish he would be man enough to be straight with me and at least take care of business! He still uses the acct blatantly so I see where he is-restaurants, new cell phone + accessories. I think it's his way of rubbing everything in my face. If I can't get him to co-operate, I feel I have to make the choice not to take the bait.

If the check isn't there by 9:00 AM, it isn't coming. If he undermines me like that, I'm closing the acct so he can't take what's left of the $300.00. I can't believe this. Our savings has been completely depleted in 2 months time. With his current selfishness, I'm afraid he's going to try to justify not giving me any $ with the excuse that he has to get his own place. There goes my perfect credit with my savings. Darn it! Why does he have to be sooooo stupid! Why can't he just wake up and see how rediculous this all is? Idiot! Everything we've worked for and built, down the toilet in seconds flat! It's a good thing he hasn't called b/c I'm ready to let him have it!

He hasn't admitted there is OW. Actually, he adamantly denies it. Whatever. Sounds like we're in the same boat on this one, TOH. Keep up the good work on staying dark. Sounds like it's doing something. Just remember to stay upbeat and not react negatively to his anger.

MK, may I ask wherebouts in CA you are located? I'm in Downey (LA County). The family bed did get a little tricky with 2 nursing babies in there. I sleep with one on each side. Makes romance a little tricky, but I felt we managed ok. Actually, sex was non-existant from about half way through my last pregnancy til I started realizing something was wrong. He came home very late every day, and, when he did, he would just go to bed. Then I tried to re-connect. He wouldn't talk or spend time with me, so I tried sex. Seemed to work at first. Then he was just irritated with me on that too. He would still do it, but it became very selfish and cold. This hurt a lot. Still does. I tried to kiss him once, and he literally pulled away and wiped his mouth with disgust. All this is timed perfectly with the phone conversations with OW on the phone bill. Go figure.

When I think of everything that has come from this man in the last 2 months, I question why I still want to make it work. I know it's mostly for my kids and I hang on to what I know we had, the man I knew him to be. However, he is not that man now. This man is an imposter, and I don't know if I want him around my kids. Choice isn't mine, though. He's gone AWOL and he's not around his kids anyway.

Lord help me. He's coming to see the kids! Tried to keep it light on the phone, but did talk to much. Now my head is spinning. Gotta play it cool.

Money went into the bank, thank goodness. Now he wants his own account. Even though this was originally my suggestion, I'm extremely uncomfortable. Makes the separation more final.

I think he's living w/OW and her boyfriend. Can you believe that? What an understanding guy! <That was sarcasm>

Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

What? That sounds crazy but I think myH is doing that too! I think my H is crashing at some emo punk complex with a lot of animals and teen boys along with OW. Crazy compared to 3 bedroom home in the country, but I guess a family and wife and a mortgage is part of the package deal he cannot handle.

Was the last pregnancy planned? Is he on any drugs or meds currently? Does he suffer from any sleep deprivation or depression?

My H has been suffering from post partum depression! Do men get that? Our MC suggested his new job hours and the birth of our S2 led to my H's depression. He flat out said, "No, it is that my W can't respect that I never got my degree." I was like, "What?"

Your plan sounds very cool, calm, and collected. Keep your home a safe haven in comparison to his transitional lunatic asylum. But you know a lot of homeless punk kids leave nice suburban homes to live on the streets in the name of freedom. Maybe our H's MLC are akin to that experience.

MK, You're going to love this!

H came to get the kids and I almost laughed out loud! He bought these new rediculously thick framed trendy glasses and is combing his hair like one of those emo musicians. What on earth!!??!

I somehow managed to control myself.

I think you are right, this wonderful home is what he just can't handle. On the other hand, with the birth of our new one (who wasn't exactly planned), it did get very stressful, and we were too busy surviving to really take care of each other. So maybe our wonderful home wasn't looking as wonderful as I thought. That's what I'm working on, without saying it.

I acted "As if" and stayed up beat and pleasant (my 180). Didn't talk about R and stayed busy. When he brought the kids home, he came inside and lingered a lot longer than necessary. Think he was expecting me to try and get him to stay longer (usually have). I just went about my business and stayed pleasant. When he said he was leaving, I looked up and casually said, "OK, have a good night," then continued what I was doing. He stood at the door a minute, then said "Keep in touch" as he was leaving. This from a man who wouldn't give me his new phone number!

My dad was here too. When H came to pick up the kids, I could see he was apprehensive. His family is giving me he cold shoulder, to say it nicely, but my dad is a bigger person and greeted H respectfully. When H was leaving, after returning the kids, he actually sought out my dad to say goodbye and shake his hand.

These are baby steps, and it's still early in the process, but I think these are positive signs... right?

Now I just have to stay consistent. I will wait for him to initiate the next contact.

I did mention that I was invited to go to Vegas with a friend for a few days. He said he would be happy to take care of the kids. Said he would stay at his Aunt's with them. I told him I'd let him know. Now I have to plan a Vegas trip, which shouldn't be too hard.

Sorry, I forgot.

No meds or drugs, except alcohol. I think he is struggling with a depression of some sort. The last few months he was here, he was always sleeping. I don't know if that's depression or just his way of escaping because he seemed to have plenty of energy for being "out". He definitely wants to be young again.

I can't really figure him out these days, and I go crazy if I try.

How long has your H been gone?

Yeah, those glasses are straight out of the emo handbook along with the Rommulan or Hitler hairsweep! But on a more serious level Emo kids also relish in torn relationships and have issues with class and the environment. They enjoy feeling pain in their music and on their skin. Hence the name "Emo" for emotional punk music. I have seen my H is into this with his transitional friends. These are the people that accept his new lifestyle since his past life was comprised of being a son, husband, and father. He wears a new "costume" in his new lifestyle during his MLC. I used to make fun of his "suicidal white man music" but now I do get reports from his aunt that he does act suicidal. That might be her take but she lost her adopted son to a heroin overdose and she is frightened of history repeating itself. I still see him every other day but I try to limit contact if possible. Tonight is Open House at D6 school and it is my hope that he not be there.

My H tends to be a bit of a follower. He's gone on tangents before. Guess I'm hoping this is more temporary than the 2-7 year MLC. Maybe I'm just in denial.

He had a dentist appt this AM just down the street. I know he went b/c of the chsrgr on our acct. I reminded him of this appt yesterday (I know. Still the caretaker, but he wouldn't have even known otherwise. I scheduled it months ago.) Anyway, I bet he was surprised I didn't show up.

We'll see how long it takes for him to call.

mk,

It seems like your sitch is pretty extreme. How are you coping? What do you do for you and your kids? My 2 yr old is always asking about his dad. I don't know what to tell him. He thinks his dad is at work all the time.

I'm worried my H had the kids with the OW yesterday. It's really upsetting me, but I know I can't make a fuss. He'll just deny it anyway. I have no proof. Just a hunch b/c he was very vague about everything. Said they were at the park, but he brought them home well after dark and were gone 6 hours. He wasn't looking at me when he was talking. I didn't press the issue. In fact I completely ignored it, but I'm very bothered and don't know what to do about it.

Any one have any suggestions?