Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now I've done it

HI
The LRT method is the Last resort method. I am new to using it myself but what I have been doing is

No matter what he sees me as happy. I am the happiest miserable person you have ever seen. I no longer push him for answers or try to talk to him about our R. I just go on with life in general and talk about mundane things. I even let there be silence if need be. I just keep living my life. I never let him see me down or unhappy. I just put a great big smile on my face and fake it until I feel it. The last step is the one I am having the hardest time with and that is the waiting and watching. I am a very impatient person but I am waiting. The watching is kind of driving me crazy because I see signs for one way and then I see signs for another way. So I am still very confused but I do think it is working some since we do not seem to be as stressed around each other.

I hope this helps

Oh man, do I know about the snooping. Picture me sneaking in our pantry, scrolling through H's phone at 3am. Yep, not pretty, but it was my life for a long time. I think the term 'gaslighting' is what they call what your H is doing (lying, defending the lies to the end, and making YOU feel crazy for even thinking them).

I have slooooowly realized that snooping hurt me, hurt me a lot. It put H on the defense when I confronted him, and it was never, ever good news. And yes, I was a shell of a mother during this time, overly obsessed with my situation. I have leveled out a bit, and you will too. At the very least, when you stop snooping, pleading, and pursuing, H might not run towards you right away, but he will stop going the other direction. Then, when he realizes you are going on with life (taking care of your kids and NOT asking him for help or advice, just doing it., and taking care of yourself by looking good, rested and healthy, and getting out when you can), he will find you more attractive and less threatening.

Then you can tackle everything else. Take care!

I'm not gonna call him. I'm not gonna call. Not gonna call.

Someone tell me not to call!

NO calls!! Step away from that phone. Honestly, where will it get you? Its hasn't been good calling him lately, and that will not change. Don't!!!

Hi, Big breathes! I don't think you are ready for the last resort technique, because that is what it is, a last resort, and you are just beginning. Or going dark.

Try and stop pursuing him because you are reinforcing the behaviour that he doesn't like. I know you are worried about your financial stuff and I am sure that is adding to your anger and pursuit of him. They will not do what we want, in fact the more we state what we expect the less they will do if you are begging and pleading and carrying on. Get a copy of Divorce R and take advantage of the information on the website which a lot of excerpts and extras from the book.

I would suggest you calmly call him and say that you would like to sit down and talk about the finances and set something up to see the children. Tell him you are not interested in talking about the relationship, just business. Maybe meet in a neutral spot, a fast food place or a park.

BE strong, you can do this. Try and follow the DR principles.

Thanks. I needed that.

I didn't call him today, and I did get a copy of DR today also.

I feel like I have to do the LRT b/c I have pushed him so far that he doesn't even ask to see his kids. He hasn't mentioned D yet, but I feel like, in his mind, our separation is completely permanent. After all, he signed a 2 year contract for a new cell phone the day after he left for the sole purpose of talking to his OW w/out me knowing. Yet he didn't make too much effort to hide it. He lies and denies but always leaves a definite trail to bait me. I think my biting just boosts his ego at the expense of my self respect and dignity. He blames me for everything and says he can't stand to look at me.

I feel like my only chance is to do a very definite 180 and cut all contact. We have very little contact right now, so he won't notice my GAL, even though I'm doing it anyway. The only thing I can do differently that he will notice is to stop bugging him and checking on everything he does.

The finances are scary, but I have decided that I am determined to survive that aspect no matter what.

I did not know until people told me in my life and on this forum. I read the articles on the first page. They talked about alien abductions and usual indicators. My H acted extremely uncharacteristic of himself. He used to be a sweet devoted kind of cerebral nerdy type. Never wild or unsavory. He could have a temper but not towards the kids or women. Never a flirt, quite the opposite. His dress changed as did his speech. He was reverting to a younger age often complaining about his looks, balding, face, etc. Worse was when he dropped from 145 too about 125 and then even smaller. Emaciated or manorexic or meth, you tell me? Then the affair. This from a guy who hated cheaters and dead beat dads with a passion. He used to say that strippers were an embarrassment to female empowerment, etc. Now he buys them free drinks at his work and pines over them in front of my mom. WHAT! MLC.

Can men have MLC at 33? My husband started wanting to go to clubs, happy hour with his single co-workers and talking about "getting his drink on"? Everytime he drank something he would say "Hey, you think we can mix this". He was never a big drinker before. Then there was the new trendy music.

He's a high school teacher, so he hangs out with teenagers... a lot. But he changed his look a bit too and then there was the OW. My husband was always big on monogamy and how stupid cheaters are. Oh, yeah, he got really adventurous in the bedroom. I felt like I was in a three ring circus. Where is the man I married? The last three months have left me very confused and feeling like I really don't know who he is at all.

How is the LRT going .... I am not sure.

Ok, My H is not happy with the situation. he wanted to have his cake and eat it ....

He is clearly angry with me, frustrated that I am difficult to communicate with (his words)(meaning i will only talk to him about son and nothing else that is going on in my life)

He is VERY curious as to why I am acting like I am. (totally blanking him - seeming not to care)I am getting a lot of attention that way. (Not sure if it is good attention...)

He is making any excuse to come to the house and trying to get me to talk. He is seeing our son every day - taking him off somewhere (H is not allowed in the house)

For me.. I am feeling great most of the time. . I feel I have control over my life. I do what is best for me, not what is going to keep him happy. My H gets a lot of reasurance that I am still in the game by upsetting me when he is around. I have taken that power away from him.

For me it is brilliant. My son is gaining a lot out of it too. Not sure what is going on with my H. It is either making him realise what he has lost ...or pushing him closer to OW. Not sure. Time will tell.

One thing for sure is . . he doesn't seem like a happy man; a man in the honeymoon period of a new relationship. he looks like a man with the weight of the world on his shouldres.- shame! ;O)

Take care Nutty x

God bless you nephariti. I have felt as nuts as you do many times over the past 4 weeks but never had the courage to express it. Thanks.

I think you can have a MLC pretty much anytime you stop and notice life. It's not time that's the factor, it's an awarness of our finite time here that does it.