OK... I apologize, you are correct... but it sure appeared as if you were flying by the seat of your pants...
Hang in there. We are all here to help you... and get help from you as well!
It is truly a counterintuitive way of thinking - exactly the opposite of what we are "supposed" to do. Indeed, my wife has told me explicitly, "This is not a normal response to this situation." To myself I "yelled" in response: EXACTLY!!!
This stuff takes time to learn. Visit this board every day. Lurk and read other threads. Ask questions on your own, and contribute to others.
Bottom line here is that we are on the same team. Go team go!!!
A word of advice on this - get a disability lawyer, okay? If you try to do it yourself, they just almost automatically reject the claim. A disability lawyer will know the tricks and how to get your claim through. My friend's H has a brain injury (serious - I mean, parts of his brain are MISSING) and they still rejected his claim the first time. Once they got a disability lawyer it went smoothly.
Then - think about what you REALLY want to do with your life. Disability pay is pretty low, and plenty of deaf people have good jobs. Do you need to go back to school to train in some skill that doesn't depend on hearing? Perhaps some kind of computer work where you could communicate through email with your employer? Don't resign yourself to being a victim and only making a pittance on disability - you are worth more than that! Make yourself a truly valuable employee. Or start a business of your own. Dream BIG.
Yes, I agree that Disability pays very little, and I know that it won't cover all my expenses. But at least it's a steady source of income. Trust me -- it's my last resort. I know that I'll get turned down the first time, and that I'll need to hire a lawyer who specializes in Disability cases. I know the process can take anywhere from 5 months to a year or more.
I won't bore you with details, but I've been fighting this battle for over 20 years. I've been turned down for countless jobs, lost temp assignments within the first 5 minutes ("we're sorry, but we hired you to answer the phones -- didn't the agency tell you?"), been forced to answer the phones anyway (with disastrous results), and been openly discriminated against in the workplace. Been there/done that.
My writing income probably pays less than Disability, and it's too hit/miss if I need to survive on my own. My business is definitely improving, though.
Yes, I agree that I should not let the bombs get to me. (More on that in an upcoming post...)
Thank you for the compliment! I've been writing professionally (journalism and copywriting) for about 4 years. My H never seemed to appreciate my writing, though. Actually, I take that back. He thought I was a good writer, but he hated the way my obsession with writing took over my life for such a long time. By the time I woke up and realized that it was a serious threat to my marriage, it was too late.
I have a confession to make: I'm absolutely terrified of roller coasters! So why did I keep hopping on the same old one over and over? I don't know. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results?
I completely lost my cool yesterday after this latest bomb (H and OW moving into my neighborhood), and H left for work. I felt a lot better after I prayed with one of my friends, though. Last night, he came back to the house to watch a football game he'd recorded, and I watched part of it with him. When I got up to leave the room, he asked me to stay there and watch the rest of the game with him.
After the game was over, I ever-so-platonically said, "Okay, bye." and he asked me not to go. He told me that he was having doubts about moving in with the OW, and that he really missed me, etc. Then, he asked if I would have s*x with him. He'd approached me for s*x a few times since he moved out, but it always seemed like a *lust* thing. I always turned him down. This time, though, there was something *different* -- his approach was very loving, and I... caved. Twice.
Did you guys break out the pitchforks and tiki torches yet? Yeah, I know I was stupid, stupid, stupid for caving. I realize that I probably killed my chances of ever getting my husband back. The difference is, I did not assume *Oh, this means he's coming home!*
He went back to his apartment, but he said ILY and he seemed VERY sincere.
Today, we had some business-related things to take care of at the house, and he made a few *wink-wink* type comments about ML. Did I start boo-hooing and asking him about or relationship? Nope. I did not say one word about our marriage, future, feelings, etc. I just made a wink-wink comment back at him, and I did not let anything *get* to me.
I've jumped off the roller coaster.
I finally realized...
* I need to stay in God's will, and TRUST Him no matter what happens * My obsessive grip on this situation means that I don't trust God enough to take care of me * I'm ready to get a life! * God's love is unconditional, and He will never leave me nor forsake me (unlike H)
As long as I focus on God, I'm happy. When I focus on my problems (or even little victories), I'm a mess.
Yes, I know that my H and I spend too much time together. However, that will change once I GAL.
Is it also stupid that he's starting to kiss me again?
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” - Matthew 19:6
You did alright. I know it's hard. You think "well maybe this time will be different". There is no easy answer. You don't want your husband to have both the other woman and you so you don't give in. but then you feel like you are closing the door. If you don't. There comes a time when you have to set boundaries. I am not good at this but I am learning. I am to the point myself that I need let my W know it is not ok the way we are living. She needs to make a decision. Not a cared in stone decision but at least let me know if there is a chance for romance. Hey that was cool.
Sorry I had a couple of shots of JD. This is another problem that is arising with me. I am beginning to drink a little too much.
Anyway sorry for going off o=in a different direction but don't be so be hard on yourself. There are no rules in this game. We kind of make them up as we go along.
The GOOD husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I agree that I need to set some clear boundaries that will give me some dignity and self-control, without completely pushing H away forever.
One of the positive things about being separated (yeah, I'm looking at the bright side of this!) is I'm using this time to GROW. I'm slowly learning how to develop a better attitude, take better care of my appearance, and cut back on the whining and desserts.
Whenever I suspected that my H was going out with women from work, I immediately poured myself a glass (okay, sometimes a REALLY big glass!) of wine after dinner *to take the edge off.* Got into a bad habit that continued after my H moved out.
A few nights ago, I realized that I started drinking while I was praying. So much for the prayingwife, eh?! Not a good combination. So, I decided that I was NOT going to drink any *adult beverages* while I'm separated because... God won't honor my prayers if I'm even a *little* hammered... It looks really bad when I'm fighting for my rights... I need a clear mind to make important decisions about my life... And drinking prevents me from feeling that gut-wrenching, hellish, unbearable pain that we all need to go through during the healing process.
I just decided that I loved God, my H, my kids, and myself more than I loved some temporary buzz, a plate of brownies, or another bowl of ice cream.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” - Matthew 19:6
Do not whatever you do do not stop praying!!! Gos is what gets me through & w/out HIM I could not get up out of bed everyday!!
I notice the changes HE is making in both me & my H. I am still ML w/ my H & Michelle encourages it even if theres OW as long as you can handle it and it doesnt affect badly.
Keep up the good work. Definitely GAL ASAP! Also show H your 180's. H sounds close to reconciliation. There was a point when my H showed doubts about leaving and I became paralyzed and forgot how to DB! That moment is gone and it was over two months ago. Be prepared and read everything. Consider it Wayward Spouse 101! I am not sure about the sex thing. It sounds good to me. I know people say they were never share someone, but how does one deal with such a confused and lost soul?
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
